Willful 12 m old! Help!

[lyndyloo]

I am new to this parenting game and my lovely firstborn has, on reaching her first birthday, changed into a right little madam.

For someone who can't talk or walk properly yet - she rules the roost!

She won't let me change her clothes without a fight, she screams, rolls around etc. Nappy changes are even worse. Her new thing is going limp when I'm trying to lift her up.

I assume this is normal but wasn't expecting it until she was nearer 2! Is it too early to start disciplining? I mean she needs to know who is in charge surely? Today when she was having a nappy change tantrum I just kept my hand on her chest to stop her rolling about and left it there til she gave in and I could change her. Is this the right thing to do or should I just leave her to do her own thing?

I thought I would be ready for this kind of thing but I am totally clueless. Help!

[dustystar]

DD has her first full blown tantrum when she was 10 months - she threw herself on the ground and kicked and screamed for 15 mins. Obviously you need to show her who is in charge but at this age she is too young for conventional discipline techniques. Keep doing what you are doing and just say 'no' in a calm firm voice when she is kicking off.

[rookiemum]

No answers, but our 14mth old has just started doing the limp arm things so I can't lift him up when he has a strop.

I have been doing standing nappy changes for months now as I don't know what the answer is but if I tried to get him to lie down we'd both be in tears every time.

Oh and dinner times are a nightmare, if he doesn't like something it gets thrown over the side of the high chair like a miniature version of Henry VIII. I just try to ignore it on the basis that if I react I figure he will do it more.

So I'm hoping someone comes along with some good advice for both of us.

[Trinityrhino]

don't be too down hearted
dd2 started being a right little madam once she turned one but now she is 2 she is calming down quiote a lot

so you never know she may be over it by the time she hits 2

[FrannyandZooey]

I think encouraging the attitude that you are a team, and that you both try hard to please each other and make life easy for each other, is a better (and more pleasant) method than trying any form of 'discipline' at this age or showing "who is in charge".

Obviously if we are talking about dangerous situations, then immediate firm action needs to be taken, but otherwise, distraction, patience, humour, kindness and compromise go a long way

[lilymolly]

God yes you must discipline them now, my dd is 18months old and she started this behaviour at about a year. wriggling at nappy changes, throwing a strop and chucking her self on the floor if she did not get her own way
I am very firm, and she knows the boundries, she is however now testing them again, especialy when I am with my mam and dad and mil/fil, when she trys it on as they are there and she thinks she can get away with it!
clothes changes are difficult, eating is difficult, but we are consistant and she seems to know how far to go

my disicpline methods are: Telling her NO in a load voice and straight face.
ignoring the tantrum, and if she gets herself in such a state that I can not get through to her I shut her out of the room for a minute, to calm down.
It does seem to work.
watch this space

[rantinghousewife]

Although she's only 12 months, she almost certainly will understand what you're saying, even if she can't talk. Try telling her what you are going to do, eg; We're going to have breakfast and then get dressed etc. Perhaps ask her to help you pick clothes out, fetch the nappy. This way, she gets forewarned and a bit involved. And as rookiemum says, don't rise to the tantrums, ignore, ignore, ignore, if you find you're getting het up, make sure she's safe and go to another room to calm down. She is a bit young to be properly disciplined but you can use strategies for making it easier.

[FrannyandZooey]

I think using your absence as a punishment tool for a child of this age is really harsh tbh

I wouldn't recommend shutting a baby out of the room for any reason - if you feel you are losing it, then settle her with some toys in a safe place (cot for instance) and go off and calm down yourself.

[rantinghousewife]

Can see what you mean Frannyandzooey but, I found it helped me cope better just to take 2 minutes to get some perspective back and cope with the situation better. Rather than getting all het up and collapse in a puddle on the floor. Everybodys different, tho.

[dustystar]

TBH I was the same. I would have loved to be the type of mum who could stay calm and wait it out but sometimes i just needed a bit of space. It wasn't a case of punishing my child with my absence but knowing mu limits and keeping her safe.

[lilymolly]

agree, I find it better to leave the room for a minute and calm down.

[FrannyandZooey]

Ranting I do agree it's a good idea to leave the room if you are getting the red mist

it was the putting the baby outside the room suggestion I think is a bad idea

[rantinghousewife]

Ohh, gotcha, (nervously laughs). Sorry

[lilymolly]

you mean me then?

I have down this twice in 18months, and it has been when she has totally lost it, ignoring what I say, and needs to calm down.
I keep an eye on her at all times, and its for a minute max.

[lilymolly]

oh and dd may only be 18months but she knowsnexactly what is ok and what is not, believe me.

[FrannyandZooey]

Well, you were advising it as a general punishment for a baby who is having a tantrum and not doing what they're told.

"if she gets herself in such a state that I can not get through to her I shut her out of the room for a minute, to calm down.
It does seem to work."

I don't agree with you that it's a good idea.

[munz]

I have the same from a 15 month old. tantrums are ignored distraction we've found makes him worse so ignore it and touch wood the day ones are now more or less finished with (has the odd one as he doesn't like waiting) but more or less gone. when he gets really bad he;s left and after a few mins I try the gently talking approach of enough now come on calm down stop being silly etc. but as I say touch wood things are loads better.

ooh also music helps to calm him down as well.

agree with the posters thou who have said it's better to leave LO in the cot with some toys while you go out of the room and calm down - make a brew and take it in.

we started this at 1 year, and it's coming/going still. nappies etc we tried the pull ups for a spell when he was really bad. dressing I get him involved when possible.

[juuule]

I also think it's a better idea to settle the child with something and leave the room yourself. It's not the child that's lost it it's yourself and you need time to calm down and get it together again.(talking the generic you, here). At 12m a child is not doing things to deliberately upset you. They might know what they want and they will understand some of what they say but they are unco-ordinated in what they can do. A lot of what might be considered bad behaviour is a result of being frustrated. They need you to be there to guide them and help them make sense of things.

[lyndyloo]

Lots of good advice - thanks. Will see how it goes!

[GibbonInARibbon]

excellent post juuule