You know you are finally a real mother when......

(121 Posts)
bookwormmum Fri 15-Jun-07 21:27:23

You encourage everyone to go to the toilet before a journey of whatever duration (even 2 mins walk to the papershop) and have to resist the temptation to tell anyone who doesn't go 'to go and try' .

You look on enviously as your child happily demolishes chocolate/crisps/icecream in the back of your parents car ^when it is in motion^ when all these things were banned for you (partly in fear of travelsickness, partly as you were probably sitting on someone's lap, partly as they probably couldn't afford them).

You hear the illogical words 'because I said so' and 'I'm finishing it' coming out of your mouth and they don't even sound unfair to you .

gingeme Fri 15-Jun-07 21:10:00

You start saying things to your kids that your Mum used to say to you and they actualy make sense

autumnlover Fri 15-Jun-07 20:50:13

its friday night and yr children are either ill, asleep but about to wake up or refusing to sleep .... and you realise that this is yr life

MrsWho Fri 15-Jun-07 20:40:58

Its Friday night and you are in bed reading this

Katy44 Fri 15-Jun-07 16:28:40

"you want to cry with joy when your baby has that first real poo and you contemplate framing it"
very true - I offered to dig it out of the nappy bin to show DH, and i was only semi joking

easywriter Fri 15-Jun-07 16:11:33

The puke on your shoulder is actually THE latest is fashion accesories!

kels666 Fri 15-Jun-07 16:10:13

You give away an entire chocolate bar, after your toddler looks at it longingly

skidaddle Fri 15-Jun-07 15:42:49

you are so confused as to who is the mother and who is the baby that you mentally remind yourself to change your nappy before you leave

goldenwings Fri 15-Jun-07 15:38:53

oooh youve just reminded me. whilst at a restaurant you closely examine all highchairs and wipe down vigourously the one you want to use.

you order an alcoholic drink and because youve not had a drink in ages you finish it in five seconds flat.

after the meal you hand out baby wipes because hey they do a faaaaaaaar better job than napkins.

MascaraOHara Fri 15-Jun-07 15:30:50

You finish a meal in a restaurant in 5mins flat and only then look round and realise that everybody is still quietly nibbling away with all the time in the world.

You start saying 'Oh just pick it up and eat it, it'll be fine' referring to the sweet/ice-cream/biscuit that has happily landed itself right in the middle of the kitchen floor cos LO eating a dirty sweet is much easier than the 10 minutes of heartbreak.

You go shopping with a friend and everytime they leave a changing room/restaurant table/car etc you look round to check they haven't forgotten anything.

goldenwings Fri 15-Jun-07 15:24:07

when you walk round the supermarket with your hand shoved up a puppets bum entertaining your baby. he falls asleep you get to the checkout and discover puppet still there. so you have to buy it and give it a name.

your clothes are now mainly dark colours as you are sure it wont show all the dirt/sick/poo from the day.

you go out with cornflakes in your hair baby sick on your jeans and your blouse done up all wrong but guess what? YOU JUST DONT CARE.

you thank the gods when you and your hairbrush finally spend quality time together

you want to cry with joy when your baby has that first real poo and you contemplate framing it.

cat64 Fri 15-Jun-07 14:23:25

Oh I haven't laughed so much in ages. Can one of you clever publisher type people get all these put into one of those little books and sell it for charity ? I'd buy several to give to all my RL friends, and then a few more to have in as gifts for new parents. Pleeeeaaaaassse !

glamourbadger Fri 15-Jun-07 13:33:53

You struggle not to enthusiastically narrate your actions when alone in the supermarket "Shall we get some red apples!" or alone in the car "look, a funny dog!"

You go out in the rain having taken ages getting your children togged up in wellies and mac and the raincover on the buggy.... only to realise once you are halfway down the road you have completely forgotten to put on your own coat.

RubyRioja Tue 12-Jun-07 22:07:01

You de-nit or nit detect once a week
Wind up a cot mobile and consider it time for foreplay
Refuse to consider any car that does not come as an estate
Can do 25 things at the same time

Katy44 Tue 12-Jun-07 21:55:36

ooh it's been ages since I've had a mini milk

wulfricsmummy Tue 12-Jun-07 20:02:18

you're surfing mumsnet wearing a pasta necklace on your head and eating mini-milk ice lollies.

CatIsSleepy Tue 12-Jun-07 19:14:17

my dh came up with this one...

when you go into a pub/restaurant to eat and you find the presence of other parents with young children a relief rather than an annoyance

MellowMa Tue 12-Jun-07 18:58:04

Message withdrawn

suzycreamcheese Tue 12-Jun-07 17:00:45

lol these are funny...good thread...and cheered me up!
rudyvonlasagne that struck home...!

ill today.. best i can do:
to accept and know that you will be jumped upon whilst suffering gastroentoritis...

& you are never short of a hanky..

Thanks muminbrum - have replied, you're a star <<oops, sorry for thread hijack!>>

MuminBrum Tue 12-Jun-07 16:32:03

Hi Bumps, have just tried again!

Soph73 Tue 12-Jun-07 16:31:46

ROFL Rudy (fortunately don´t know that feeling myself as had c-section but I know a couple of mums in that situation!)

Hi muminbrum no I didn't - email is bumperlicious . mn (at) hotmail . co .uk. Probably didn't give it to you properly first time round!

lanismum Tue 12-Jun-07 16:13:41

when your once quite decent respectable car has 2 carseats in, a double buggy in the boot, sunshades on the back windows, toys/crisps on the floor, and a smear of egg mayo on the back on the passenger seat.......

lanismum Tue 12-Jun-07 16:10:41

when you walk into a childless friends house and start moving anything breakable/expensive, switch their cooker off at the wall, make sure doors are locked, garden walls are secure..............

You stand patientl;y til the green man appears when you're on your own

JodyW Tue 12-Jun-07 15:54:55

You find yourself saying all the things your Mom said to you that you swore you'd "NEVER" say. It's do grow up to be your parents!

Katy44 Tue 12-Jun-07 15:51:03

MellowMa, did you tell her? or did you think it was an essential part of her outfit?

RudyVonLasagne Tue 12-Jun-07 15:49:16

You can cough and piss your pants at the same time...

CatIsSleepy Tue 12-Jun-07 15:37:01

Hassled: "You've scooped a child's turd out of the bath with your bare hands."
have been there too...what made it worse was dh and i were in bath with dd at the time!! have never moved so fast yet to so little effect

MuminBrum Tue 12-Jun-07 15:28:13

Hey Bumperlicious, I sent you an e-mail about those books you wanted - did you get it?

You get a wedding invite in the post and your first thought is 'oh, an excuse to buy ds/dd a lovely new outfit - rahter than 'what shall I wear?'

Is it more worrying when you do some of these things before becoming a mother ...

...asking if people need the toilet before we leave the house...blowing raspberries on DH...saying "clunk click" to people in my car to get them to buckle up...

MellowMa Tue 12-Jun-07 14:15:30

Message withdrawn

MuminBrum Tue 12-Jun-07 14:08:02

You put your hand into your jacket pocket for a tissue and find you're blowing your nose on ... a tiny pair of underpants with the Superman logo on. In front of your boss's boss.

MamaD Tue 12-Jun-07 14:00:30

You go out for the first time in AGES and when ordering your first drink realise that you have a sachet of calpol, spare dummy, plastic spoon and dirty bib in your handbag.

You automatically use the lifts in a shopping centre instead of the stairs, forgetting that dd isn't with you.

When 12 yr old dsd accidentally shuts her finger in the door you automatically rush over, smother her in a bear hug and .......kiss it better (cue horrified face from dsd and GET ORRRRF MEEE)

MuminBrum Tue 12-Jun-07 13:55:19

Oh yes, Maisemor, the wee-wee bottle is an absolute life-saver, isn't it, not to mention a surefire way to raise a laugh and cheer everyone up. I also find that "mummy pretending to fart into a bottle" is quite a good way to nip a tantrum in the bud.

lissie Tue 12-Jun-07 13:54:28

lol, you've forgotten what a hot meal/cup of coffee tastes like.

youre in a shop and you notice that ds has grabbed pair of ladies knickers so you take them off him saying please dont do that sweetheart, be a good boy for mummy, now do you want a wee wee?

then you realise that its someone elses child and youve left your own by the pyjamas

Soph73 Tue 12-Jun-07 13:45:20

This thread has definitely made me laugh. I haven´t done it for a while but when ds was smaller I used to rock shopping trolleys when he wasn´t with me. I think I realised I was finally a real mother when myself and 2 of my friends were raving about the chest freezer in the garage of our new house during my ds 4th birthday party

mummydoit Tue 12-Jun-07 13:31:08

You have the CBeebies website on your internet Favourites.

Your Sky + box is set to record Roary the Racing Car on series link.

Katy44 Tue 12-Jun-07 13:29:47

When someone says "oh your baby's been sick" and you say "and?"

PMSL also at the stylish winnie the pooh dummy!

elsieanjoanne Tue 12-Jun-07 13:19:58

Only read a bit of the thread so sorry if im repeating.
when a random child whilst out shopping shouts mom an you answere! ( even if it doesnt sound like your own child/ren )

Your childs is asleep/not with you an you saying arrgghh look its a doggy/mooo cow/sheepy baaa!

And the shshsh is a pain, my 1yo now does that to anything making the slightest noise lol

pucca Tue 12-Jun-07 13:11:30

Obviously i mean't squonk

pucca Tue 12-Jun-07 13:10:55

Sqonk...That is so true, i have done that with the snot on your sleeve!

pucca Tue 12-Jun-07 13:10:16


Some of these are soo true! and sooo funny! i am almost literally pmsl.

Tigana Tue 12-Jun-07 13:05:00

Instead of humming favourite bands latest song as you wander around town you realise you are singing
"Hey hey are you ready to play? It's time to come and play, why don't you come and play, with the Twee-ee-ee-nies!"

Tigana Tue 12-Jun-07 13:02:41

Dear god this thread has made me cry with laughter .

Lolly68 Tue 12-Jun-07 13:00:44

you dont lay in bed beyond 7am!!

i opened a packet of crisps for my bf once before giving them to her - she told me needed to get out more!

canadianmum Tue 12-Jun-07 12:46:52 get excited when you see a digger or a crane, even when you are alone

WK007 Tue 12-Jun-07 12:44:19 feel your heart stop for half a second when you hear a baby start crying...and then remember yours is nearly 4yo!!!

What is it with catching the sick? My motherly reflex action is to hold dd and point her away from people and easily soiled items, would never try and catch the puke Maybe its my general aversion to puke tho

having a poo becomes a spectator sport

akaJamiesMum Tue 12-Jun-07 12:33:48

...when you hear your mother's words to you as a child coming out of your mouth.

boomie Tue 12-Jun-07 12:32:03

You ask your 38 year old brother if he needs to go to the toilet before we go shopping together

fluffyanimal Tue 12-Jun-07 12:31:45

You always talk about yourself in the third person. "Fluffyanimal's going to have lunch now."

Flower3554 Tue 12-Jun-07 12:27:32

When a shower is a necessity but a bath is a luxury

When someone says "oh your baby's been sick" and you say "and?"

When you go shopping and just can't pass the baby clothes shops.

When you weigh up whether you should make yourself some lunch or get dressed first.

nogoes Tue 12-Jun-07 12:25:33

You are dressed up to the nines for the first time in yonks wearing very unmumsy 6 inch stillettos and sexy pencil skirt, not a sign of baby puke to be found. Smooching away with dh on the dance floor and someone says "what are you wearing on your finger??" you look down and see a winnie the pooh dummy.

PestoMonster Tue 12-Jun-07 12:19:45

You say

'because I say so!'

edam Tue 12-Jun-07 12:18:47

alfie, thank heavens I have so far managed to avoid catching any sick and ds is nearly 4. So I hope it's kind of optional...

How is it possible that this thread has made me pmsl and feel physically sick at the same time?
I'm quite worried actually my ds is only 7mnths and I haven't had to catch sick in my hands or put his willy in a bottle or scoop turds out the bath, is this really what I have to look forward too?
I agree with the rest though!I think you know your a mum when you walk round Tesco with a dummy in your mouth and dont even realise until another little boy shouts 'mummy, look at that lady trying to be a baby!'

maisemor Tue 12-Jun-07 11:59:50

When your son says he has to wee wee in the car, and there is no way you can stop, you quickly drink the remaining water in the waterbottle, pull his trousers/pants down and stick his little willie in the bottle so he can pee in there.

I was actually in the bath with my daughter when she decided to have a pooh. DH fell flat on the floor laughing so hard.

When you leave the house with all the RIGHT emergency backups.

Scoobi6 Sun 10-Jun-07 22:01:38

When you think 3 hours is a good chunk of sleep.

When you lean over affectionately to dh and blow a raspberry on his cheek where you used to kiss

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 21:34:43

That would be a good parenting book, with a parental guidance style stamp "Not for the faint hearted"

adath Sun 10-Jun-07 21:06:18

Katy never tried it for wee hmmm must see. It was a night when dd was throwing up constantly and I was stripping her bed and dp took her downstairs and the idiot never got a basin so I came down when I had done and dp had decided that when dd announced she was going to be sick again was the time to start looking for a bowl she vomited I threw out my cupped hands lol.

I do know that when you have horrendous morning sickness and a toddler with a nappy that has been brewing all night IYKWIM the second your stomach lurches when you open that nappy having a potty to hand is good.

Maybe I should write down my ludicrous and disgusting top tips.

kinki Sun 10-Jun-07 20:59:23

Hassled - that happened chez nous a couple of hours ago. Only I called out helplessly to dh that I can't catch them (it was a rather loose disintegrated motion). Was about to suggest he gets the fishing net, when he says "move over, I'll get it" and swiftly catches it all up. Obviously more of a mum than me. But I can live with that.

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:57:42

adath - this sounds like a long-running gripe! I'll work on my cupping action, does it also work for wee?

Nbg Sun 10-Jun-07 20:55:52

the thought of doing the school run in your pj's sounds very appealing.

(that could be just me though)

adath Sun 10-Jun-07 20:53:54

""Does the vomit not just run out through your fingers? I'm confused!""

Nah if you get the cupping action right you can keep a hold of it until your dp finally stops banging about under the sink and comes back with the boody basin you could have got in half the time.

Hassled Sun 10-Jun-07 20:48:02

You've scooped a child's turd out of the bath with your bare hands.

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:47:06

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:46:20

Maybe there's a niche in the market for a foldable, portable, reusable, eco-friendly vomit catcher

fryalot Sun 10-Jun-07 20:46:01


fryalot Sun 10-Jun-07 20:45:38

sleeves, noses or children?

2, 1 and 3

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:45:36

When you're so tired you read the word "their" as "your"

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:45:13

sorry, ignore that

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:45:00

How many do you have squonk??

fryalot Sun 10-Jun-07 20:44:01

whilst telling your dcs not to wipe their noses on their sleeves, you are actually wiping their noses with your sleeve

LynetteScavo Sun 10-Jun-07 20:43:05

When you cut DH's dinner up into bite sized pieces without thinking.

Catching vomit is a reflex action once you are a mother. It's not always very effective though!

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:39:37

You measure how "good" a night is in hours of sleep. And come on MN to talk about it.

Smutti Sun 10-Jun-07 20:38:33

... you spell a word to a grown-up and realise you are using the child alphabet.

... you refer to adults as grown-ups.

Smutti Sun 10-Jun-07 20:36:37

Re vomit - I once helped out at playgroup and had a REALLY stupid reflex reaction to a child throwing up - yup, I caught it. Why, I am still wondering. Was even in a room with a wooden floor, fgs!

Smutti Sun 10-Jun-07 20:35:18

You spend half an hour deliberating over whether or not your DC is poorly enough to warrant a trip to the doc's.

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:30:43

Does the vomit not just run out through your fingers? I'm confused!

MuminBrum Sun 10-Jun-07 20:30:29

Oh Katy, you don't know the 'alf of it!!

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:30:12

Are you one of those footballer's wives?

adath Sun 10-Jun-07 20:29:45

""You have caught someone else's vomit in your hands and this was a) intentional and b) a good idea""

Yep that is my one too and when it happened I said to my own mum you know you are a mum when.....

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:29:42

MumInBrum, what a glamorous life you lead

fryalot Sun 10-Jun-07 20:25:49

When introducing yourself, you say "hello, I'm dd1's mum"

MuminBrum Sun 10-Jun-07 20:24:39

You are happy when a LO pees in your lap while you're watching telly together, because at least it didn't go all over the sofa.
You have sucked snot out of a newborn's nose to allow it to feed - and thought nothing of it.
You think leather jeans might be a good idea, because they are wipe-clean.
Your idea of luxury is being allowed to poo alone.

TheGoddessBlossom Sun 10-Jun-07 20:23:44

Jackie PMSL, I say Quick Sticks!!

TheGoddessBlossom Sun 10-Jun-07 20:20:40

....when you are called a "mummy" as opposed to "a lady", or "a woman", or "that person there" by someone else's small child, like i was today at a Country Park when asked if the train was running, answer, yes it is. "That mummy says the train is running, hurray hurray!" I felt great! Ridiculous really isn't it, you'd think the fact that I had two sons of my own would have made that fact sink in before now........

Dabbles Sun 10-Jun-07 20:20:26 think 6.30 is a "lie-in"

Katy44 Sun 10-Jun-07 20:15:47

DS burps and throws up his milk down your leg and you're happy because you KNEW he had wind (as has just happened to me).
You finally figure out what the supermarket trolleys with the flat tops are for.

maisym Sun 10-Jun-07 20:06:56

snot doesn't bother you - you can wear something the next day as it's only got a bit on.....

nannyogg Sun 10-Jun-07 20:06:38

Rofl at octo! All true. I'm still thinking of a quick-fire answer...

ProfYaffle Sun 10-Jun-07 20:04:28

I'll let you know when i feel like one, I still feel like I'm playing at it.

jackie2kids Sun 10-Jun-07 20:02:49

You say "Quick sticks!" to a colleague at work.

NikkiBFG Sun 10-Jun-07 20:02:48

pmsl at eating chocs in the loo!!

octo Sun 10-Jun-07 20:02:16

you use hedrin

you get up from the table 15 times per meal time

you eat biscuits and chocolate in the toilet with the door locked

you play your music in your car really loud not because its cool but to drown out the millionth question of the day/fighting from the back seat

kinki Sun 10-Jun-07 19:57:32

when dh isn't paying attention to you, and you accidently say "I'm going to count to 3 and if you don't listen to me I'm going to..." Whoops, only made that mistake once though.

Roobie Sun 10-Jun-07 19:55:42

You find yourself wiping restaurant/cafe tables clean with wet wipes.

talcy0 Sun 10-Jun-07 19:52:32

You answer other peoples children in shops when they say 'mummy?'

lulumama Sun 10-Jun-07 19:52:14

you say cheerily to DH, before you get in the car, , 'Now, do you need to do a wee wee?'

regardless of who is in the car, when you drive past a field, you say, , 'looooooookk!! loooooookk!! lovely baaa lambs! look...!'

or indeed saying that to anyone over the age of 4!

second the catching vomit...did that with DD a couple of weeks ago, whilst DS looked aghast, and told everyone that we saw for the rest of the week

Scootergrrrl Sun 10-Jun-07 19:50:45

I still gently push my trolley backwards and forwards at the checkout, even if I'm completely alone!

LadyOfTheFlowers Sun 10-Jun-07 19:49:42

will go with the potatoes one.
i cant stand still without swaying, even once on a night out with dh in a wine bar i started!

PetitFilou1 Sun 10-Jun-07 19:49:37

Beansprout weirdly though, don't think I could do that for someone else's child.....

compo Sun 10-Jun-07 19:49:37

instead of telling your friend at the pub 'I'm just off to the loo' you say 'I need to go wee-wee's'

LadyMacbeth Sun 10-Jun-07 19:48:53

Even when you go away for a romantic break without the children, you are still on a VERY ORGANISED military operation - checking your watch every ten minutes and shouting orders.

beansprout Sun 10-Jun-07 19:48:30

lol Smutti

You endlessly sing the praises of the Council's library service.

kinki Sun 10-Jun-07 19:47:49

... when you try to rock a sack of potatoes to sleep at the checkout.

Smutti Sun 10-Jun-07 19:47:22

You go for a ride on a bus - just for the "fun" of it.

beansprout Sun 10-Jun-07 19:45:50

You have caught someone else's vomit in your hands and this was a) intentional and b) a good idea.

fryalot Sun 10-Jun-07 19:44:47

you only consider buying a handbag if it will fit in a couple of nappies, packet of wipes and a few toy cars

Scootergrrrl Sun 10-Jun-07 19:44:33

Your three-hour old ipod already has the Disney Princess and Sound of Music albums on it...

NikkiBFG Sun 10-Jun-07 19:43:34

You view sex as an opportunity for a lie down rather than the fun it was pre babies!

LadyOfTheFlowers Sun 10-Jun-07 19:43:26

you dont care what other peoplethink anymore....

mumfor1standfinaltime Sun 10-Jun-07 19:42:26

You walk around with blobs of calpol, yoghurt, milk and more on your jeans and you just don't notice anymore..!

edam Sun 10-Jun-07 19:40:56

You empty your pockets and find string, pebbles, sticks, acorns, feathers, pine cones and tissues but not the thing you actually wanted!

LadyOfTheFlowers Sun 10-Jun-07 19:40:47


PetitFilou1 Sun 10-Jun-07 19:39:38

You are eating a fruit Gu pudding and think 'that pot will make a good thruster for the rocket I'm going to build with ds'

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