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Pregnant and scared.

57 replies

tulip27 · 23/05/2007 15:26

I have a two and half year old son and a one and half year old duaghter. I thought our family was complete but have just discovered I am pregnant again despite using condoms.
I have really found the last two years hard with PND and was looking forward to life moving on, going back yto work etc and now I don't know what to do.
Thing is I have been broody for a while but my head has always said no, I find my two children cuch hard work. My husband said he doesn't want more but will support me if I keep it.
I feel like I cant talk to anyone I know about it , can anyone help me?

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fryalot · 23/05/2007 15:29

so sorry you're feeling like this... I have no practical advice, but I can tell you that three children are great - and small age gaps are tough at first, but so much easier when they are a bit older.

Good luck

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 15:32

Were you a stay at home mum for all three/ Are they all close in age?

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PetitFilou1 · 23/05/2007 15:38

Tulip
I think if I were you I would go to your GP and ask to be referred for some counselling to help deal with the situation. Especially if you've had PND for the last two years - that is assuming you haven't been having counselling already. Is your instinct to keep the baby?

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SueBaroo · 23/05/2007 15:40

Having three close together can be a really good thing. There's pros and cons with everything, but it's not really an academic question now, it's a reality for you.

I have four under 6, and it's a challenge, but really, once you've had two, you have the basics down pretty good. I appreciate how shocking the 'surprise' element is - our last one was very much a surprise.

I really sympathize with the pnd, too. I've really been helped coming on here and making contact with others. Talking it out like this can really help.

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squeakybub · 23/05/2007 15:44

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 15:44

No didn't have counselling for PND as work in the health service and PND is classed as mental illness, it would have prevented me from getting jobs. Yes GP sounds like good idea have arranged to see him tomorrow.
My instinct is to keep it as the reasons for not seem so lame but they are reasons my husband holds dear such as not being able to send 3 children to private school and me not being able to do a university course which would result in a better paid job. Also could I cope with another couple of years doing play parks and baby groups. Could I go back to work and leave new baby in nursery at a year old when I have been home for the other two.
Does this all just sound ridiculous?

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squeakybub · 23/05/2007 15:45

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fryalot · 23/05/2007 15:46

no, it doesn't sound ridiculous at all. They are all genuine concerns that need thinking about carefully.

So sorry that I can't advise you better.

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 15:48

Suebaroo how do you cope with four children. Do you have time for you atall?

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 15:52

I also feel guilty as my best friend has been trying to concieve for 8 years, I feel like this sould be her baby not mine.

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PetitFilou1 · 23/05/2007 15:57

Tulip Your reasons are not lame - they are very similar to mine when I think about whether to have another one or not (except for the private school as I went to a comp and did fine!) I'd like to retrain, not to be better paid but because I'd like to do something vocational in future that fits better with having to move around following my husband's career. Having another baby would delay that for me for another few years.
The difference with you is that you are already pregnant. Have you tried writing the positives and negatives down in a list and rating them? Sounds a bit practical I know but it might focus your mind a bit. I feel for you. Does your dh know yet?

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SueBaroo · 23/05/2007 16:02

tulip, it's hard, I won't deny that. I've a dreadful couple of pregnancies and PND with my third and fourth babies. I think I'm just starting to see the light of day this time round.

But they are all very close to each other, which is lovely and it's no more expensive with four than it was with two because we've already got a lot of what we needed.

Dh has been at helping me out - bathtime is his time at the end of the day, so that I get some time on my own. When I could walk I did that, and I'll have a few hours on Saturday afternoon to chill out. We take turns doing night shifts, too - it's my night to ignore all sounds of wakeful children tonight!

I really think you need to get some help from the GP. So many women struggle with PND and it just drags on. There's nothing to stop you starting a uni course a little later than you planned.

There are plenty of women on MN who work with little ones. I've been a SAHM for the whole time and wouldn't have it any other way, but we all do what works for our families. I do think your mental health is something you need to prioritize, though. Your two older ones and your baby would definitely want their mum to be looked after properly.

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Muminfife · 23/05/2007 16:04

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 16:19

you have all given such good advice and been so kind.
The university course I wont be able to do later though as Ive already battled against 370 other applicants for one of their 16 places for this year so not sure if i will be able to postpone that but any ideas what a nurse can retrain to do to get better family hours and pay?

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 16:21

Oh yeah, I told my husband about the positive test on the phone this am so I am just trying to get my head a bit sorted before he gets home as I know he won't want me to keep it

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PetitFilou1 · 23/05/2007 16:22

Also yes maybe your friend will be sad if she hears you are having no3 but it is YOU you need to worry about. If she is a good friend she will still be happy for you even if she is sad for herself.

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SueBaroo · 23/05/2007 16:27

Talk it out with dh. You're both going to be a bit shocked. I know my dh was! I did the test on a whim when he was away at a conference and told him when he came back. He took a few days to take it in, I think.

I'm not knowledgable about the job and retraining thing, but you could post on another bit of MN and get the advice of ladies wot knows more than I

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Muminfife · 23/05/2007 16:39

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Elasticwoman · 23/05/2007 17:07

I don't see why you shouldn't go back to work after no 3 if you want to, whether you did that with the first 2 or not.

Plenty of people have more than 2 children. Having 3 close together is hard work early on, but pays dividends later. Re private education: not always what it's cracked up to be.

You've suffered from PND in the past. Is termination going to be good for your mental health? You say you were broody before; many women become desperate to get pg after an abortion or m/c.

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PussinWellies · 23/05/2007 19:10

Oh god, been there, and it's utterly heartwrenching. Six years ago I was sitting at the foot of our stairs with a phone in one hand and horrid little test stick in the other sobbing as my DH told me just how much he really didn't want another baby. We had two, one with special needs just starting school and taking up so much of our time and energy, and I'd had PND too.

Our 5-yr-old is outside leaping around on the trampoline...

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 19:26

My husband has just told me he doesn't want the baby, he said it would be reckless of me to keep it as we were on holiday last week and each night I had 3-4 glasses of wine. I don't know what to do. If he doesn't want it I don't feel like I have much choice.

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squeakybub · 23/05/2007 19:39

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tulip27 · 23/05/2007 19:42

Thankyou x

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SueBaroo · 23/05/2007 20:00

oh sweetie xx Like squeaky says, don't worry about the drink thing, it's quite unlikely to have any effect.

Please don't feel you don't have a choice. It breaks my heart to think that you would feel forced into any situation by the expectations of others. Give yourself and your dh time. The very worst thing you could do would be to make a non-reversible decision if you weren't sure about it. I'll be thinking of you xx Do keep us posted.

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delores · 23/05/2007 20:02

Don't rush into a decision. Let yourself and husband mull it over for a few days.

Take care.

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