Talked to mum of bully at school. . . .

[ahundredtimes]

Thought I was being really mature and modelling good social skills by bringing up with her the fact that her son is being horrible to DS1. Tells other boys not play with him or he won't be their friend any more, won't let him join in games, stands there muttering at him (I actually saw him doing this at the school fair this morning, hence my sudden decision to talk to her) etc etc. Think I approached it in quite a sane and friendly way ie. I wasn't confrontational and I didn't make mad accusations. I suggested we get them together to play and nip this in the bud. And she was fine, if a little shocked, but then said that her son had been complaining that DS1 was bullying him and trying to take all his friends.

Now what to think? Now what to do?

[Spidermama]

Well done.
I would follow through. Try to get them together.

It's really hard to know what's going on with the best of intentions, but we still have to be there for our kids when they tell us they're having a hard time.

Have them round for an afternoon and do some subtle observing.

[ahundredtimes]

Yes, you're right. How do you know if your kid is a bully though - especially when you think they're the victim?

[oops]

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[oops]

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[gess]

DS2 used to come home talking abut a particular boy (who he adores) said this and that, so I watched them from afar at school xmas fair and deciced it was 6 of 1 and half a dozen of another. They're good friends, very competitive- seems to be a bit of a boy thing.

[oops]

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[ahundredtimes]

deepinlaundry - yes you're right too really. Though have to say that I think, I hope, I was quite normal about it, and I said to her that DS1 isn't straightforward AT ALL and absolutely not an angel.
I don't know if this is normal practice to approach another mother. TBH I'd be mortified if someone came up to me. . . perhaps have crossed an invisible line?

[DrNortherner]

Well done. You'll never quite get to the bottom, but agree that getting them together is a good way forward.

I ahve just experienced a boy in ds's class telling me he's not allowed to play with my ds as his mum has told him to stay away as he is too naughty. This is very upsetting and I wish she had approached me first.

[Freckle]

I do think it was mature to approach the mum and suggest a way forward, rather than just accusing her son in a defensive way. And good on her for receiving what you said in the way she did. So many parents would immediately jump to their child's defence and deny any culpability.

Getting them together may enable them to get to know each other better and find out that they can in fact be good friends.

[ahundredtimes]

Words of wisdom oops. Just hope I wasn't too clumsy about it. Now fear I might have been.

[ahundredtimes]

Is there some kind of check list to establish whether your child is a bully? There is for the bullied isn't there?

[unknownrebelbang]

Good luck with sorting this.

We ended up having a couple of meetings with four other sets of parents over our five little darlings - it was very tense for a while.

In our situation, all five boys had been both the instigator and the injured party on various occasions. The biggest problem was getting the parents who initially put the complaint in writing to accept that their child was also involved as an instigator and not just the injured party.

They seemed to genuinely believe that when their child was the instigator it was just an incident, when he was an injured party he was being bullied. It was like seeing a lightbulb switching on in mum when she realised...

The positive thing though is that we got it sorted and four of the lads are still pretty good friends most of the time (one left school for other reasons).

[ahundredtimes]

Nice positive messages. Perhaps really is the best way forward (at least there aren't four of us involved). Can't help thinking that this is really due to cool and elegant response from the other mum, rather than my rather red-faced sweaty attempt at diplomacy. Not pretty.

[AnneJones]

Bump

(watching thread with interest)