Parents want to come and stay to help when baby is born but I don't ... am I being unreasonable?

[peggy0062]

My parents wants to fly in from overseas to stay with us for over a month when baby comes. I don't think I can handle living with them again. Last time my son was born they were here, although grateful for the cooking and cleaning my mum did, I found the whole experience unbearable. Had a bad time trying to breastfeed, not to mention that my parents disapproves of breastfeeding; and they gave me looks each time when I tried to breastfeed. I found they are unable to respect or treat me (or my husband to an extent) as a adult - to this day my mum still say 'good girl' to me e.g. when I bring her a cup of tea (I am over 30). I know my 2 year old is going to be very demanding when the little one comes and I have to do what's best for them. Do you have similar experience with interferring parents? What would you do?

[bristols]

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell them not to come. Could you suggest they come and stay in a local hotel? It sounds as though you had a dreadful time last time and the last thing you need is to be worrying about it for the rest of your pregnancy. Perhaps you could say that it would be too much upheaval for DS what with a new baby arriving and them staying?

HTH and that someone with some better advice comes along soon

[Runninglate]

I agree with Bristols. A month is far too long and besides, you are the parents now and get to run your home and family as you wish to. Difficult thought it may be to tell them, it will be far easier than putting up with their visit, so you may as well 'fight the fight' now rather than later. You will cope with the 2 kiddies and you will find local help that suits you perfectly for when the time comes. Your family can visit when you're ready and not a moment before.

My personal view is that your 2 year old will be fine with non-family when she's not with you and perhaps integrating with other 2 year olds for some time each or most days, might do her the world of good?

[paulaplumpbottom]

Kindly explain that you would love to see them but ask them to wait until the baby is at least two months old and request that they stay in a hotel. A mommy with a new baby needs peace not harassment

[dionnelorraine]

This is your time! The last thing you need is to worry about other people and having other people 'help' when you probably dont need it.(especially ater what happened when you ds was born) Maybe when your baby is a couple months old and you have settled into a routine it will be a lot easier. The 1st few weeks is bonding time, you sleep when baby sleeps in the day etc... You cant do that with family under your feet all day. You need to let them down gentley I think, as they are doing it cos they love you.
Although, why on earth do they not agree with breastfeeding???!!! Its the most natural, healthy thing you can do for a new baby!

[ChaCha]

My father stayed with me for 8 weeks when DS1 was born and although it was very difficult living with a parent again, he was able to help around the house and take DS from me in the mornings after having not had any sleep the night before. Well worth it IMHO. My mum and her DP came to stay when DS2 was born and they took great care of DS1 giving me time to just curl up with DS1 and b/f etc.. My family are also a bit weird bout b/f, I remember my dad telling me to give the baby 'proper milk and fatten him up' after i'd been struggling to b/f DS1 This time round I've just picked up DS2 and told anyone 'off to feed the baby' where i sit at the PC or read a book for a good half hour or so - nice peace and quiet!
Also, my DH wasn't/isn't around much and had no paternity leave so having extra hands around and someone to play with DS1 was great - I can put up with anything for that in return. HTH.

[saintmaybe]

Those first few weeks are so special and you, and your baby, and your family will never get them back. You are a grownup and you have both the right and the responsibility to take control and do what you think is right for you.
That's ok.
If there's anything they can usefully do to help you; eg, in a month, (from their hotel!) taking your 2 year-old out for the day, or staying in your house to help clean, or get a meal ready while you have a family day out, ask them for that, not to be confrontational, but because you know they love you and want to be involved; they just need some guidance to see how sometimes!

[bananabump]

A month??? Woah. That's far too long! How are you supposed to sleep when he sleeps and recover if you have to entertain them? Plus if they aren't supportive of breastfeeding and treat you like a child, I would be horrified at the thought of them being around you in your first days with the new baby when you're feeling vulnerable.

I have a similar situation in that my mil has offered to come and stay for a week or so (she lives 120 miles away) to help when baby is born, but I honestly can't imagine anything I'd like less. It's nothing personal other than maybe that her house is always immaculate and it makes me feel quite inadequate, and after having the baby I was hoping to spend a week in my jammies letting the dust gather and only having people round for 2 hour stints.

I certainly don't want to stop her seeing her grandchild, but it means I've had to make plans for a 3 1/2 hour car journey 4 or 5 days after he's born to visit her just so we have the option of leaving! bah.

Is there no way you could visit your parents on your terms a fortnight or so afterwards?

[Olihan]

I agree, bite the bullet and say 'sorry, this time I'd like to just get to know my baby and keep things as normal as possible for ds. You're welcome to come for a week and stay in a hotel and come over to see us but we need our own space.'

I let myself be coerced into having lots of visitors, including my mum staying for a week, after my 2nd dc was born and it made things so much harder. Ds1 played up becuase he was getting too much attention, and was a nightmare when she left, I couldn't relax because I felt obliged to entertain her. She also treated it as a bit of a holiday, one evening dh came home from work and found her sat on the sofa reading a magazine while I was cooking dinner and trying to bf at the same time .

As a result, before dc3 was born we said to everyone that they were welcome to come for a couple of hours in the first 4 days then after that we wanted a bit of time with just the 5 of us to get bf sorted, let ds1 and dd get used to it. TBH, it was the best thing we ever did, I think some people (inc my mum) were a bit put out but it made the early weeks of having a newborn so much less stressful.

Obviously it's a bit harder for you because they're flying in from abroad - have you got any other relatives they could go and see while they're over? Taht way they could come for a few weeks but not spend all of it with you.

[Idreamofdaleks]

IF it was unbearable last time then avoid repeating the experience - it is your call. There are plenty of compromises you could offer. If you would prefer them to come for a week and stay in a B&B that's fine, or come for a fortnight a bit later on.

Have they thawed out about breast feeding now? My dad did after I breast fed dd, he could see that it comforted her and that seemed to get him over the embarrassment factor.

[contentiouscat]

I think the ideal situation would be if they could stay locally and just pop in to help you but if this really isnt possible then you will have to bite the bullet and tell them they cant come

How big is your house? If you would need to move your 2 year old into a diffent room you could always say "DC1 is going to feel very unsettled with a new sibling without ousting him/her from their bedroom too"

Parents are always funny about bf - I just took the opportunity to get some peace & quiet in another room!

[PregnantGrrrl]

just say no. i couldn't bear to have anyone stay for a month when i've just had a newborn.

suggest they stay for a week or two in a hotel and visit, or stay with different relatives if you have any near by.

i have to admit- i disliked people dropping by when i'd had DS. I either wanted a bath, or he was sleeping, or i was b/feeding and they were uncomfortable with it...in the end we decided visitors could only come every other day, no more than an hour at a time, and only if they arranged it with us first.

[FiveFingeredFiend]

i would tell them that the hospital got my due date seriously wrong. and that its actually 2 weeks later.

Then tell them that you have had octuplets and doing fine

[bananabump]

Ooh, naughty, fivefingeredfriend. And oh so tempting! hehe

[MissGolightly]

Say no no no!!! And thank you of course. But definitely no! I think the 6 weeks post-partum is the one time in life when you are entitled to be completely selfish and do what is right for you and your family. You have the rest of the year to make it up to them.

My MIL very sweetly offered to come and stay and help out when I had my DS (my own mother is dead), but although I was really touched I knew it would make things harder, not easier. It was incredibly difficult saying "no thanks" but I did and she was very understanding. I just said that I wanted to spend time alone with my baby and partner and that I wouldn't hesitate to let her know if I was struggling.

Why not say that you have plenty of support lined up immediately after the birth and would appreciate their visit later in the year when you... (insert appropriate event, eg go back to work, celebrate DS's birthday)?

As others have suggested, you could get them to stay in a hotel but that will only help if you trust them to go back there occassionally - if they spend all daylight hours hanging round your house then they might as well sleep there and be done with it.

[Gingermonkey]

Are we actually sisters, peggy? My mum is the same, and tells me 'you're such a good mummy' all the time. TBH, I could be beating the crap out of my kids and she wouldn't know, would she?! (Obviously I'm not tho - before social services are called!) I told mine they could come and stay for a weekend (they don't live overseas tho) and I still hated it. I think you need at least a month to settle in, especially with another one already. What about asking them to come a bit later, and not for as long and maybe to stay in a B&B for a bit? Compromise, it's not a word I like but sometimes you have to!!! And apparently (according to every grandparent I know) the love they feel for the grandchildren is over and above what they felt for their own children and just floods them so much it's overwhelming. After all, something your parents created has grown up and produced babies of her own, that must be quite special (think how proud we are when our LOs do something clever!) and we can't help to treat our Los like children, your parents have had many more years of practise. I'm feeling guilty I don't speak to my mum enough now

[foxybrown]

Good God NO!

Couldn't think of anything worse.

Check out local B&Bs and assume they wouldn't want to stay in a house where they'll be kept awake all night by an unsettled newborn. Any relatives close-by who can put them up?

You are completely normal for not wanting them to stay. I am due in June, and I do not want anyone else here. And I think that's the general consensus of most of us on the ante-natal thread.

Could your DH have a diplomatic word?

Don't feel bad, I think we all feel the same!!

[mamma2kids]

I agree with everyone. My mum came when DD was born (admitedly stayed in a caravan so it was ok) but I found it hugely stressful.We also had loads of family visiting from all over the country (so had to come for a day, not just an hour).
DS was 20mnths, and became understandably clingy to me after the baby was born, other people in the house just made it worse as they kept trying to take him out etc which I think made him more clingy.
Also you end up trying to be lively, make conversation etc when you just want to sleep (or cry).
I'd try to get her to come when baby is about 6wks, and stay in B+B.

[peggy0062]

Thank you thank you thank you. I was beginning to think either I am the most ungrateful daughter in the world, or simply hormonal.

Unfortunately no relatives live nearby. Staying in B&B is out of the question, they would never agree to paying someone rent for weeks when there is a room in their daughter's home. They complain about Asda being expensive, you know. Anyway we would feel obliged to pick them up from the hotel / drop them off, daily. not to mention paying the bill.

As regard to breastfeeding, partly they do not understand why the baby has to cry every 2 hours to get some milk instead of 3/4 hours for formula, partly I had no appetite after the birth and hence wasn't really eating for 2, partly I think they feel left out when I pick up baby and leave the room to breastfeed. Of course both myself and sibbling were fed on formula. They simply don't understand the close bonding experience.

Yes my son loves the company of other kids and I have signed him up for playgroup, as long as he is off nappy by then (fingers crossed).

My husband is still concerned there will just be the 4 of us, especially if there were complications and I had to stay in hospital for a long while. This scenario still worries me greatly.

I think I have convinced myself to ask them not to come. Anyway, baby is due in oct and they hate the British winter weather! Perfect reason to wait for a few months

[elkiedee]

I'd stick up for what you want, and I wouldn't worry too much about staying in hospital for a long time. Even after a Caesarian they don't normally keep you in apparently for much more than about 3 days, and you'll probably be out sooner.

Where do they live and what are the chances of them coming for a shorter period of time later, or you going to visit them once you're ready, eg after a few months?

[peggy0062]

The flight is 12 hours one way. Don't want to think about how much kicking and screaming there will be to get my 2 year old to seat for that long!
My parents are retired they are in no hurry to get back once they arrive in the country!

Last time my son had jaundice and despite only staying overnight after he was born, we (baby and I) had to go back in for 3 nights of triple light treatment. Then when he was about 3 months I had some health problems and was in hospital for 4 days.
My husband's boss is funny about taking leave. Sadly people without kids just don't understand.

[bobblehead]

I had my second baby 3 weeks ago and my mum has been here for almost 6 weeks now helping out (we live overseas) with dd1. She is brilliant as she is nothing but supportive, but it has been an unsettling time for dd1 having an extra person constantly around plus a new sister. In fact we put a stop to my dad joining my mum for a 2 week holiday as we felt that would be too much disruption for her, plus stress for me! We pointed out to him that dd1 needed life to be as consistant as possible at this time, with no extra excitement, and that our house would be a pretty dull place to be with everyone going to be early, toddler tantruming, baby screaming and a sea of dirty nappies! He didn't need much persuasion to stay put
Both parents are now coming out later in the year for a "holiday" when dd2 is bigger. Perhaps you could suggest something like this for your parents?

[vixma]

U need to try and tell them some how because the last thing you need is loads of stress while your pregnant. Any excuse....good luck, hope all goes well!

[christie1]

Say no. I told every one no. It will stress yo uout, you will be tired and you need to be alone as a family. They will be put out but that is not your problem ie their reaction. Just tell them you welcome them comming but not in the first few weeks (or whatever you decide). Stick to your guns and remember, if they come when you are ready for them, you will enjoy each other more.

[mamma2kids]

Have you got someone lined up to look after your LO when you go into labour?
This was my biggest headache as MIL needed several hrs notice to organise herself and GET A BUS over! I really didnt fancy entertaining her during early labour so planned to leave it as late as possible til I called her.
I went into a panic a few weeks before as MIL casually mentioned she had booked a holiday for 6 days after due date (she somehow thought that I was sure to give birth on that exact day!)We had to ask her to cancel the holiday, then DD was 10days early!
By the time I realised I was in labour, DH had left work, collected DS from nursery, MIL had got her bus etc I arrived at the hospital 12 MINUTES BEFORE GIVING BIRTH.
I'm sure your more organised than me! Good Luck