Feel like I've lost daughter age almost 12 years

[Brighteyes27]

DD Year 7/almost 12 had an awful last year at primary school with friendships. Anyway in the last couple of weeks at primary and over the summer hols she got friendly with two twins from primary from another class who lived round the corner. They seem lovely girls and seem to have embraced DD and another girl has also joined the group and they all get on well and walk to and from school and spend a lot of time together out of school which is great lovely seeing DD so happy. The problem now is she won't come home. She calls round to the other girls houses on the way home from school (they live slightly nearer than us &
More often than not their parents aren't in). I phone her to ask where she is, invite them round to ours but when it gets past 6.30pm and she hasn't come home (every night) hasn't had tea, hasn't got changed etc. They rarely spend time at our house and I miss my little girl. WWYD I don't want to ruin my DD's life as she claims by wanting her home but I love her, it's pitch black and I would really like my DD home from school before 6pm some nights. What would you do? Goodness knows how she is getting on with her school work she is not academic but is PE to she is doing the bare minimum. I have explained how I feel and she just gets shouty and stroppy.

[blahblahblah2000]

She is eleven, she needs to be home by a certain time or privileges are taken away. If they live close by it is also reasonable to ask her to pop home first after school to get changed and check in with you, unless pre arranged.

[NapQueen]

Why is she allowed to stay out till whenever takes her fancy? Give her a curfew!

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

She's 11,you give her a time to be home or there are consequences.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Give her a time to be home or tell her you'll go and collect her from the school gate. Now that would be "ruining her life".

[SorrelSoup]

Either say she must come home first to eat, change, do homework and then go out. Or she must be back home at 5.30 to do all of the above. Set rules and routines up now.

[GizmoFrisby]

Think you need to nip this in the bud. 11 is a little young to be doing what she likes.

[greenfolder]

I think you give her choices. But reasonable ones. She can come home, get changed so honework then pop out to see friends. She can walk home with friends, stay there for an hour then come home to do homework, dinner and catch up. She can have 1 or 2 evenings a week where she can stay longer.
Critical thing to remember is to work out exactly what is acceptable and reasonsble and why and stick to it. If you dont start now you have zero chance at secondary!

[MTMFH]

Think you need to be a little tougher. Set rules and a time to be home or as others have said, go and collect her. She's only 11, she shouldn't be dictating to you.

[Gooseberryfools]

Sit her down and tell her she can see her friends on two school nights (agree which days exactly) but she must be back 6. Have two nights as family nights (and you do family activities), one night as a homework night. Ring the school to see how she's doing homework work wise.


What happens when she rolls in late having actively ignored your boundaries.

Does she usually ignore you completely?

[Gooseberryfools]

Prewarn her. Tell her you will collect her at 6.10 if she's not home and follow through

[TataEs]

tell her she has to be home by 6 if that's what u want. failure to be home by 6 and she'll be grounded/removal of phone/tablet whatever.

deal with the fall out. she'll hate u. but your job is to keep her safe and on track with her school work, not be her friend. you're gonna 'ruin her life' every time she wants to do anything for the next 7 years. deal with it

[iMatter]

I agree. You need to nip this in the bud.

11 is very young to be deciding when she comes home.

You decide when she comes home, not her.

My Y7 12 year old ds comes home from school and does homework straightaway unless he specifically asks permission to go into town after school (maybe a couple of times a month). If I say no then he doesn't go.

Is she doing her homework? How is she doing at school?

[youarenotkiddingme]

Agree with others.

It's great she's gaining some independence with with freedom comes responsibility. My friend went through the same with her DD when she started secondary and then her behaviourap spiralled out of control.

[luckylucky24]

I would be saying as above, she needs to either be home by a certain time, or go home first to complete homework/eat etc. I would probably give her free rein on Fridays and let her stay longer.

[Brighteyes27]

Thanks it was a gradual thing stemming from the summer hols and light nights when no homework and no need to get up for school.
One of the other girls mums is a single parent working as a carer the other two girls mum works FT has a career, dad works shifts (so sometimes in) they have an older sister and GP's living round the corner.
The other girls regularly stay at the twins house until after 8 most nights.
The school is fairly hot in texting if homework not handed in on time and we have only had one text the second week when she forgot her book with the homework in. So she is doing some homework. They often practice spellings together and do some homework together after school at someone's house it was here occasionally now this is extremely rare. She also does two or three pieces of homework on her own on a Saturday night or Sunday morning.
DD is 12 in two weeks but wants her independence and freedom over night. We always have family meals together on a weekend but in the week DH home late do I eat with him and now DS a year older but likes more exotic foods now eats with us and has what we have. DD has become such a fussy eater she's happy with something quick beans on toast jacket potato or a sandwich with some carrots or similar most nights.
DH just says she's happy and school would be in touch if homework not done. Just leave her, I do call round for her at 6. Or if I ask her to be in by 5 she turns up with an entourage and hard to get rid of them to do tea as they say they'll wait. So I become rude mum as this is the norm st the other houses. Occasionally I do pizza or pasta for them all as the other mums do. But I don't want to feed another 3 mouths every night or more than once a fortnight.

[KateDaniels2]

You say they hardly soend time at your house. Then that she turns up with an entourage.

What is that you want? Tbh, if she is keeping up with home work and they are helping eachother and she comes home at a reasonable time when asked, i woild ket her get on with it.

I would encourage her friends to come round too. We have more visitors now dd is in secondary. More than i would like, but it makes her happy. Her friends are lovely and its just one of those things.

[rollonthesummer]

DD is 12 in two weeks but wants her independence and freedom over night.

What does that mean?! She's 11!

[Weepatchesoflove]

In regards to feeling like you have lost your wee one, it makes it a bit easier if you look at it as:: they are developing exactly as they should and trying to grow up and wrestle some independence from you.
It is a horrible feeling when it seems like your wee one prefers friends to you. But remember, because you are their parent, you have rules and stuff. So you are, in effect: NO FUN. Its not personal as such and probs most parents (who have rules) suffer this. Also, if your wee ones pals house is empty, then this is the most exciting thing in the world! "A free house" where they can: talk about boys/not do homework/shout/pretend to be grown up/eat whatever stuff is there. You simply cannot compete with this.
Sadly though and quite why mums and/or dads are seen as ruining their kids lives is because you have to stop them doing stuff they like and make them do boring stuff. Whether that is coming home or homework or whatever you set. Try to remember it's not personal, although at times it can feel like it. I remember thinking I must be doing something really wrong with the amount of time my daughter did not want to be at home!
I would imagine it is also feels even harder for you since your daughter had such a rubbish time in the past and it's probably meant she was mainly with you? And you must be torn, seeing her happy with her pals and you wanting to indulge their friendship, without curtailing it too much, but on the other hand, you also want to see her.
As others have said, I think I would start to say, you can be there till -x time then you must be home and if not then you will be grounded or whatever and as being has said, otherwise you will be at the school gat for them for them. And yes, prepare for how much you are ruining her life as kids are pretty brutal if you are trying to stop them doing what they want. You need to be thick skinned, resilient and consistent and stick to your rules and not break them.
Good luck and remember, everyone goes through rubbish bits at times, it's just when things are going well we don't seem to notice it as much as when things are not great!

[youarenotkiddingme]

Your second post totally contradicts your first

Your first made it sound like she wasn't coming him when asked to eat with family and ignoring your directions.

The second sounds like a group of friends who hang out daily and turn up at everyone's houses - including yours.

Set some groundrules. You will have them all on a set day until x time. 2 days she can stay out until X time. Other days she has to be home at x time. I'd also be looking at what there is at home, if she's eating alone whilst the rest of the family eat together later what in centile is there for her to come home?

[Brighteyes27]

I would like her in on her own a bit more and her friends round more generally. But when I ask her to be in for x time. She turns up at that time or 5 minutes before with 3 friends in tow which if it's after 6pm on a school night and I am doing realms wanting her to have some tea. it is then annoying.

I have just told her tonight she needs to either come straight home after school at 4pm either on her own or with friends to say hello and get changed etc and she can then stay out until 6pm or she come go to friends after school but she must be in by 5.30pm on her own and she's reacted badly. Why are you being like this why are you ruining my life no one else's mum behaves so nasty and weird etc. Because I love you and care about you and think it's quite late enough on a school night in the winter also I'm tired and I like to get the tea over by this time.

[ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander]

Along with everything everyone else has said, I'd be more welcoming to the other girls - e.g. feed them more often. If you feed them one third of the evenings they spend together rather than sticking to an arbitrary once a fortnight you'd be pulling your weight (complicated by the fact that there are twins but unless you're really really short of cash I'd ignore that).

[Brighteyes27]

'You are not kidding me'. I have tried to get her home to spend time with us and or for tea nothing works she just wants to stay out with them until 8pm just about every night. When I give her a time she phoned up and begs for longer or turns up with them on occasions. We have gradually let her slip into eating later as she has got more and more fussy and faddy about food so she rarely eats what the rest of us are eating. She likes really plain bland food. I was doing something for her at the same time as the rest of us but she's begged and pleaded to eat later and have something on her own as she likes to stay out late with her friends. Her friends mealtimes all vary so much due to their dads shift patterns so I couldn't even say well they eat at this time roughly so come home for this time for your tea. Sometimes they eat at 4.15pm or anything in between but sometimes it's after 7.30pm if their mum is cooking.

[Brighteyes27]

I do offer to feed them but they often say no. Once a fortnight or something was just an example but I do offer maybe once a week.

[Brighteyes27]

Thank you wee patches of love that's exactly it. Trying to gain some time with my daughter and some control. As she's also getting Mouthy with us and her brother so I need to reign her in a bit but don't want to ruin her friendships.

They are having a sleepover at one of the girls houses this Saturday and one at ours the weekend after for birthdays.

[Stumbleine]

Watching this as we are having similar issues with our year 7 dd! I feel so sad at the moment - like I'm losing her. She has become so awful almost overnight! I'm happy for her to see friends after school if homework etc done (she has gym most nights anyway). But we are having major strops and rudeness if I ask her to come straight home for whatever reason. She is currently grounded due to outright refusal to come with us to a social event the other evening!

I was not expecting this sort of thing to be an issue so soon!