Adult "Children"

[PowerScreech]

Help!!
I live with two of my daughters, both of whom are in their early twenties. There are just us three, and there have been just us three for the past seventeen years.
Ok so.. things are awful!
Things (things being family life and our relationships with each other) have been deteriorating since before the daughters hit their teens.
I don't know where to start really, one daughter lives in her room of seriously mentally ill filthy squalor, rubbish and stuff she's hijacked from the kitchen like saucepans, empty beans tins along with years of mouldy banana skins, all the cutlery, mugs etc. My doctor says there is nothing she can do to help my daughter unless my daughter asks for help, she is not going to do this as she has THE INTERNET and knows more than doctors.
Other daughter works two days a week and then is so exhausted that she stays in bed for the other five days.
So.. for exhausted read lazy, she also stayed in bed for the last two years of school and didn't get any qualifications and blames me for not "making her go to school" HAHAHAA OMFG!! School would NOT support me, every single day I phoned them to ask for help getting her to school- their answer-threaten me with prosecution over and over again if I didn't get my angry daughter into school.
So.. no dishes get washed, no rubbish gets put in the bin, the dog does not get walked or even let out to go to the loo, the fire doesn't get lit, dog poo doesn't get picked up, this list makes it sound very trivial but it is hell.
The response from dd23 when reminded to clean up after herself is ANGRY AGGRESSIVE VIOLENT UPSET
Response from dd21 is she works and is exhausted and dd23 should do it or, as I'm the only person who gives a shit-I should do it.
I have some relationship counselling lined up with relate, there's a two month waiting list, I need to figure out how we can all live together because I really feel I don't want to spend my time picking up after adults, not mentioning it to them because they are so angry, reinforcing their current crap behaviour.
I'd love a one bedroom flat for myself, I've spoken to the girls about moving out, dd23 says no, she won't be ok and dd21 says no she can't afford it, both say they don't want to live here with me but here they bloody are and no-one's enjoying themselves.
Help help help

[originalmavis]

I'd organise a new home, give them notice and go. They aren't babies. I moved out when I was 20 and married with a mortgage by 23.

You've done your bit, you need to get on with your life.

Is their dad anywhere on the scene?

[PowerScreech]

No dad, just us three, no dad since 1998

[idontlikealdi]

Blimey.

Did they have any form of counselling after losing their sad? I would hazard a guess at that having had a major impact on their behaviour etc.

You shouldn't have to live like that though.

[idontlikealdi]

Sorry - I make read that wrong if he is alive not just on the scene.

[originalmavis]

I think you need to have the 'this is just not working for any if us' conversation. They need to decide what they want and you have to cut the apron strings. You are supporting their lifestyle - or back of motivation really.

You deserve to have your life back after 16 years. When did you last have some fun? Go on a date ? Have a friend over for dinner?

[Jabuticaba]

Put the house on the market. You don't have to sell and given the state of your daughters room you might not be able to, but they don't know that do they

They need a wake up call. Tell them your buying yourself something smaller and going on a well deserved holiday. You could even offer to help them get themselves on the property ladder with the profit but only when they get their acts together and find out how to do that.

[dailymaillazyjournos]

This sounds dreadful and certainly by the sounds of it DD working 2 days a week is taking the piss. Unless she has actual physical health issues there is no reason she should be in bed for 5 days recovering from the 2 days working. The only reason she probably does do this is because she can.

Does DD in filthy room have actual MH issues or is she just choosing to live this way. I think this is important to know because you can't go for the tough love option if she is unwell.

If there is not any MH or physical illness involved I'd put yourself first here. Tell them this way of life cannot go on indefinitely as it's not healthy. Some people, if they have the option of falling back on someone, will fall back. They won't attempt to make their own way in life.

Re school and lost opportunities. What's done is done and they need to now be helped to move on and take on the life and responsibility of adulthood. Tell them you will be moving into a 1 bed flat and that they need to apply for housing and benefits in their own right if they aren't able or intending to look for work. If you don't take steps to help them to leave home, they maybe won't ever leave. And as things aren't harmonious or working out well for any of you, that can't be allowed to happen. I know it's really easy to say all this but very difficult to implement when it's your own 'kids.' I really feel for you but I think you are going to have to start toughening your approach.

[Snowflake65]

What Mavis says. They are adults - they need to pull their weight or find their own slum to live in. You don't need to put up with this.

[DearMrDilkington]

Sit them down and tell them you'll give them until the end of the year to change their living habits otherwise you want them to move out by February.

Don't put up with it, they are both old enough to know better. I wasn't that bad at 15!

[PowerScreech]

I do need to toughen up in order to implement change, change which I am certain will improve all of our lives.
I am finding it very difficult to figure out what to do and how.
I'm also nervous, things can get pretty crazy.

Do any of you live with your adult kids?
How's it working out?

[Monkeyface26]

Do you own or rent your home OP?

[alotlikeChristmas16]

why don't you disconnect your home internet? It's too comfortable for them to stay in their pits. I agree, I'd put the place on the market or seriously investigate moving. The DD that's mentally ill - is she sectionable? I've never understood how adults that won't access any help and are not functionning can not be anyone's problem.

[PowerScreech]

It's rented from a housing association.
I've spoken to someone there about some stuff, actually I showed her a photo of dd23's room, she agreed it's not the room of a well person. Did you ever watch "how clean is your house"on TV? The room is like one of the places on there.
I am very happy to clear everything out of there with dd23 and see if having a fresh, clean and clear space will help her in some way.
DD23 becomes defensive and angry when this subject is broached and so it stays the same/gets worse. It is hard for her to get in and out because of all the rubbish she has in there and she needs help but will not get any. She has needed help with debilitating anxiety (in retrospect),since she was a child, doctors have always given her the option of counselling/young people's psychiatric services and she has always refused.
She had a job once and got a bit of a social life and a boyfriend but got fired and the social life fizzled out, still has the bf though, see home once a fortnight ish, I give her a lift to his place and if it's at the weekend and the other dd is working I take a deeeep breath and it feels good.

[DeathpunchDoris]

My two eldest (sons) are adults. One is very, very tidy and domesticated - the other is at the other end of the scale and naturally messy and untidy. I made it clear from the start that although I love them dearly, I do not run a hotel. Dinner is not provided if not requested, washing machines can be operated by anyone- as can vacuum cleaners. Laundry is their own responsibility if they want something specific - or put a load on for the household whilst they are at it. I work full-time and have a child at school too. It took a while for the harsh realities of adulthood to kick in ( they also pay rent) but it works well now. Not only do they learn to exist in the real world, but, importantly, they learn respect for others. Take the initiative, keep it simple but stick to it. Good Luck.

[PowerScreech]

Sees him once a fortnight ish*

[alotlikeChristmas16]

What do drs/health care professionals advise you to when your adult DD refuses help? My feeling is that she's able to refuse help because you are still looking after her and that's a situation you need to end, but i'd call a few charities that specialize in MH issues and see what they advise you to do about your 23yo DD.

[MoonriseKingdom]

What a difficult situation for you

My brother was living very much as your older child at that age. He was eventually sectioned but was suffering from psychosis and was a real danger to himself by that stage - not eating, wandering around woods in the night and many other things. Unfortunately it is very difficult to get any help if they won't access it. After being sectioned he did get a place in a sheltered housing complex for people with mental health problems. He still lives in mess and spends lots of time in bed but my parents are much better able to cope being separated from it. You could try speaking to social services although if she doesn't have a diagnosis/ psychiatric help I am not sure whether things like that can be accessed. Does she claim ESA or PIP? As difficult as it is you may need to put some pressure on her to accept help.

With your second daughter is there a possibility she is depressed rather than just lazy? Depression can present with lack of motivation and lack of pleasure in life rather than crying. I ask this because the school refusal sounds unusual for just laziness. Would she see a GP?

[PowerScreech]

To top it all off today I hear that due to DD21's refusal to provide payslips we are getting evicted. Ain't life just fucking brilliant!!

[Monkeyface26]

I'm very sorry that you are being evicted. Dd21 is too lazy to help, too lazy to provide payslips....I think it's time for the tough love mothering. She has a job and, having lost you your home, she needs to find herself a new home and you get a one bedroom flat for you.
Dd23 is a more complicated case but she needs MH support and has not been able to allow you to help her. I think allowing/requiring her to live separately from you could be an opportunity. The current living situation is not good for her. Try not to get drawn into arguing with them. Just explain that, with eviction, the time has come for you all to make your own arrangements. They are adults.

[uhoh2016]

I'd say it was a blessing in disguise get yourself a 1 bed flat and tell them they also need to sort their own housing out- it could be the kick up the bum they both need

[Out2pasture]

power the problem is you have for a variety of reason's waited very very long to get this situation under control.
no one can take care of your family dynamics but you.
people can suggest some drastic moves but this is probably not your "style".
sadly look into rehoming the dog.
then consider the next step which would be to ask the daughters to leave.

[alotlikeChristmas16]

yes I agree, the current situation is hurting your DDs too as they are not functioning because they don't have to.Go your separate ways while helping them to navigate benefits/MH help where they can.