3 YO DD rejecting SAHP when other parent is home

[elelfrance]

DD will only allow me to look after her when both me & DH (who is a SAHD) are present ... despite him doing a brilliant job, and they getting on great during the day.

DH is quite sad about this, he feels like a second-class citizen when I'm at home. Now I know that at 3 she can't reason enough to realise that the fact that she only wants mum is making daddy sad, but I still feel awful for him. I've tried explaining to her gently that daddy loves her and it makes him sad when she won't let him read a story/get her into her pyjamas etc, but she's too young to get it

We also have a 1 year old, and i'd like to be able to do his bedtime routine some nights too, but she will have a huge tantrum if daddy tries to look after her and not me. She doesn't usually mind when i look after DS, and will wait for me to finish to help her with her teeth etc, so i don't think jealousy of him is an issue - she just doesn't want DH doing it
It used to be just certain things (bedtime story, then went to getting her into pyjamas too), now its moving to her bath etc -its getting gradually worse

Anyone got through a phase like this ? Have you ever experienced it the other way around (ie SAHM being rejected when dad comes home) ? Any strategies that might help ?

[splendide]

My 2 year old is a bit like this but same way round (I work ft and DH pt so he's with DH more). Worst thing is sometimes in the morning I'll get him up and then when DH says good morning he'll shout NO NO NO NO and try to push him out the door. It's a bit crap.

[WheresTheEvidence]

I would go back to how it used to be so if he asks her to do something you repeat his request etc and just explain in a monotone voice "Daddy can get you some toast/Daddy can do your laces/Daddy will put on your pjs. By giving in to her; you're giving her the message that Mummy is in charge and it doesn't matter what Daddy says/tells me to do because Mummy is the boss.

I would also ensure you get some 1on1 time with her in the evening - when you get in; do some playdough/read some books etc but give her undivided attention for a short period of time.

If you want to do bedtime with DS just do it. Explain at tea time that "youre going to do bedtime with younger brother and Daddy will put her to bed - you'll pop in and give her a kiss though" and then just do that. If she tantrums about it - repeat that Daddy is doing bedtime and IGNORE.

Don't let a 3 year old rule the roost.

[ODog]

We have this. DS misses DH as he is out all day and wants/needs to reconnect with him in the evening. I don't take it personally.

[whatsagoodusername]

DS2 did this around 2/3 - always wanted DH when he was home and I could barely get him to cooperate with me when I was on my own because he just wanted Daddy.

He's 5 now and a complete mummy's boy.

[smEGGnogg]

Totally normal from my experience.

I am a sahm and every time my husband comes through the door they're all over him. He's a novelty isn't he?! I'm not. I'm here all the time to do all the boring crap.

He just needs to get on with it I'm afraid. It's nothing personal.

[KateyinBaku]

I sometimes wish my son (3) would favour his dad a bit more! I SAH and we have a 5 month old baby, and I could do with a break come 8pm! But I understand that it's hard for your DH. What we did when DS was being really difficult about letting DH put him to bed was we pretended I was out. One night I actually left until he was in bed asleep. After that I would go out the front door and sneak back in once he was out of the hall and wouldn't see me. We persevered with this until he stopped freaking out about Daddy doing bedtime. We've had to repeat it a couple of times, but mostly now his protests are minor if anything. Consistency and persistence was key. Giving in to the tantrums is not helpful. It'll be really rubbish for your H for a bit, but she'll capitulate eventually.
Where's the evidence's advice is good, IMO.

[elelfrance]

Thanks everyone, some great advice ... i just need to woman-up and face the tantrum when she doesn't get her way .. i've chickened out because I don't have that much time with her, and don't want to spend it fighting, but you're right ... can't let a 3-year-old rule the roost !

[WheresTheEvidence]

Remember the first few days will be the worse. Get through those and you should soon have harmony at home :)

[ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]

The first time my oldest chose daddy over me I felt sad. For about 30 seconds as I realised that now I can have a shower without a small boy clinging to me!

I do not see the downside of this. Tell your DH to go for a run or whatever & enjoy freedom for a few minutes!

[elelfrance]

ZingDrama, he does take time to get a bit of his own stuff done (tinkering on the computer etc) but he more often than not has to look after DS who's often in his witching hour at that time !
We've had battles over other stuff before where I've held out and we've gotten over it after a few days, so I can do it ... its just hard when the thing she wants is me and not another cartoon!

[WheresTheEvidence]

Ele you're not depriving her off you but just giving her opportunities to spend time with Daddy so you can spend some time with DS -

It's about sussing the battle; if DH comes in and says lets put our boots on and go for a walk, that she listens to him and Daddy helps her with her boots. If DH is plating up tea and she wants you to cut it up, then you just say no Daddy is sorting out tea tonight., or DH says right pjs and bed, that she does it with DH You can stil snuggle on the sofa with her if she wants to etc, you can still do bedtime if you want etc etc it's just tying to change her relationship with DH.

[m0therofdragons]

3dc once all came up two flights of stairs to where I was on the toilet so I could open their frube yoghurts! Dh was in the kitchen that they'd all walked past. That was dh's tipping point. We had times when I'd sit on the sofa reading and ignore them while dh said he'd help/get a drink etc. They still do tend to ask me but slightly less so. At a picnic they climbed over dh to get to me and dh had to insist he was capable of opening the packets.

[WheresTheEvidence]

motherdragon

[elelfrance]

m0therofdragons
WheresTheEvidence thats a good way of seeing it ... i know she misses me when i'm at work and wants to remain physically attached at all times spend time with me when I'm home, which I'm 100% ok with. DH gets it too, but I don't want her disrespecting him