I hate my baby.(76 Posts)
I think "hate" is the wrong word. I think "resent" is more accurate, although it feels like hate a lot of the time.
He is 5 weeks old. Has CMPA and colic. All he ever does is cry. He will not be put down and hates the sling, which makes life with a toddler as well near on impossible.
Because I spend all day every day in futile attempts to get DS to sleep, DD is getting ignored most of the time, and I can't help but feel we've made her life worse by giving her a sibling
We've just been out for a walk because it's the only way I could get DS to sleep....the second we got in, DD decided to try and pick him up, woke him and then threw a tantrum, so the effort of getting everyone dressed and out for a walk was pointless, as DS is now wide awake again.
I've already been diagnosed with PND, and I feel like that tunnel is just getting darker and longer with no end in sight. I have precious little RL support, and my toddler's near constant tantrums are close to pushing me over the edge.
I just want someone to come and take my kids away
Oh no! Didn't want to read and run and sure someone better placed to comment will be along shortly. Being a parent is tough. Managing two brings even more challenges (although hopefully more positives too!) not much advice, other than I just took things one day at a time and focused that every day is one more day out of the baby phase. Have the doctors been any help with cmpa and colic issues? Here is a hand to hold!
How are you feeding the baby? Do you have any other probems, e.g. financial, relationship?
You poor thing, dealing with a toddler and newborn is so tough. How old is your DD? Could you have her in nursery or preschool a couple of days a week to give you a break? My youngest is 10 months and I feel like we are coming out of the other side of the dark tunnel.
I think what you are feeling is much more normal than people admit.
Is there anybody who can help out as take one or both of the kids for a little bit. I know what it is like to have limited support. Can you put your older child into some pre-school or nursery sessions?
DS2 had CMPA and severe colic, it's absolutely soul destroying. Has he been given the right prescription formula from the GP? Sometimes it's a hit or a miss until you get the right one.
For the colic, I tried everything and nothing worked until I discovered colocynth granules from the pharmacy. They are little white granules you give before a feed and I swear they are little miracle workers. They literally stopped his colic virtually immediately.
Does he have a bouncy chair or mat he could lie on with a pillow while you spend some time with your DD? That way you won't feel so awful about splitting your time between them and hopefully she won't be so quick to have a tantrum.
Are you getting any time for yourself? Even just 10 minutes for a cup of tea in peace?
Don't beat yourself up, it's hard when you have a poorly baby and a toddler, really hard. It does get easier, I promise.
Of course you don't hate him.
It's very early days. If he won't be put down you can still play with DD whilst holding him, or read to her etc. He may calm down if you just hold him, but ignore him by concentrating on DD.
Have you tried a bouncy chair - he may refer being a bit more upright.
It won't hurt him to cry a little bit either so don't drop everything as soon as he starts.
Is there someone you could leave him with for an hour to do something special with DD? Or if you're feeding him- could they come to the house and take him while you and DD do something?
Don't worry too much about housework etc. Try and rest when you can (easier said I know).
It will get better.
That sounds so tough, but you've got through the last 5 weeks, you can do this! I struggled a lot with my first and looking back I wish I'd made the effort to ask people for help more, including people I didn't know very well. Lots of people do want to help- I would if I knew you!
About the colic, I know a few people whose babies have improved with cranial osteopathy, could be something to look into?
I'm so sorry to read your struggling so much
I have no advice with colic or cmpa, although my dd does have a dairy intolerance it wasn't picked up on til over 12 months
I can comment on the toddler situation though. Our second born screamed for about six months. Ds1 was 16 months when he became a big brother and I did have some guilt for him having to grow up faster than others his age. He's nearly 9 now and I see no affects of that. He and ds2 are as close as they could be with no more than usual sibling disagreements.
Are you on meds for pnd?
Does your area have homestart?
This charity maybe able to help
Sorry for just focusing on the practical. Having a young baby is exhausting and relentless and what you feel while extreme is not unique and there is nothing wrong with resenting your new baby.
Where are you geographically? I can help point you in the direction of support if you're local?
5 weeks is absolutely exhausting and especially with a toddler and weather being so grim the days and nights seem very long.
What rl support do you have? I would absolutely urge you to call on that now.
Do you have a local Surestart children's centre?
I think a huge part of why we can torture ourselves as new parents is because we can often experience these feelings of resentment during PND or having a baby with additional issues that make life very hard, and instead of acknowledging that that's how we feel and being able to ride on through it and/or tackle it head on we feel the need to suppress it through guilt of feeling that way. That if we address it, it makes it real and it's a very hard thing to accept.
It's absolutely ok to say things feel like shite at present, I found that the brightly saying 'I'm fine' broke me, and I only have one baby!! Until I broke down in front of a friend a and she said she'd felt the same way! Are you able to get to any groups? Toddler can run around and play while you can rock/sit with baby!
We now have dairy free formula which has helped to an extent, but he's just doesn't seem very happy to be alive to be honest He is rarely content. It takes hours to get him to sleep, and by the time he is asleep, it's only around 20 mins before he's hungry again and the whole cycle begins again.
Give yourself a break - crying babies are like torture ! Just think if he's been fed, nappies done and he's not cold or hot then being put in a bouncer to watch u have a cuppa tea or play with your daughter while he's crying is not going to hurt him! Go for a drive in the car maybe ? Play white noise helps my twins too. Go back to docs for the baby if he's not right or settled on the milk then it needs sorting don't let them fob u off with it's just colic. Please don't think your on your own in this or think it's your fault - it's sooo hard when all they do is cry x
Oh Lord, I remember the guilt of juggling a demanding new born (in my case she wanted to feed constantly) with a toddler. It is really tough at the beginning, and that's without colic or PND. I assume he is being treated for the colic (I don't know what CMPA is, sorry), but I think you do need to chat to your gP/health visitor again, to see if they can help him more. I found that whacking on c-beebies (we'd been tv free until dd2 was born.....) while breast feeding helped, I could cuddle up with toddler DD1, and she felt happier. I also read to her while feeding. Do you have anyone at all who might take your toddler out for a walk, or just play with her, or take the baby out for a while? Do you have a partner? Honestly this will all pass, it really does get easier, colic eventually resolves, but this patch is the hardest. My friend had a ds who cried all the time and wouldn't sleep unless being carried, after a very easy DD1. They were at their wits end, but then suddenly it all got easier . I really feel for you- just hold onto the fact that in time it will get better and you will feel more able to cope. Grizzly babies are very tough!
How long has he been on the dairy free formula? It can take a few weeks for the dairy to leave his system completely.
I have also heard wonderful things about cranial osteopathy if it's affordable for you.
I'd go back to the doctors and keep pushing if he still seems very unsettled.
Can you afford some childcare for your daughter? Something to give you even a few hours break?
Forget about trying to get the baby to sleep. Just roll with it. Remove that stress.
It might be not what you want to do but I'd recommend getting out and going places-local toddler groups etc. There will be people there who will coo over the baby (let them have a cuddle) and your toddler will be entertained. Nothing is worse than being stuck in the house with a screaming baby.
Where are you? There are places and people who can help-tell us where you are.
And it gets better. It honestly honestly does. This is the trenches right now-the black, lonely trenches. But you will get through it.
Have you tried playing songs, like twinkle twinkle little star, or singing them?
It sounds like it's not the right formula for him OP, can you ask the GP to try a different one?
How old is your little girl?
Is your partner or family around?
What pnd support are you receiving?
it does get better op
To answer other people's questions:
- We are a military family, so my DH works weird hours so isn't reliably around, and we are far away from any family help.
- We only have 1 car, and the only pre-school within walking distance only take children from the age of 2, so my DD is too young to go there.
I feel completely alone. I've heard people describe having a difficult baby before, but I never realised just how horrid it is until I found myself with a difficult baby that is never happy
Are there any local mums and tots groups? Could you try one of these so dd can have a play
Is a childminder or nanny an option? Just a few hours a week?
Just for your little girl maybe?
Sorry posted too soon ....
Dd could have a play at a group and not be fully demanding your attention, you can also get to know some local mums?
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