advice on helping husband understand toddler

[freyasiobhan]

Hi, we have a 22 month old and a 12 week old. Our 22 month old is a lovely child, delayed in speaking but very good at non verbal communicating. Like many children, if he is frustrated he shows this by biting. We have worked on it and he now only bites if he is overtired. My husband knows this, and yet we get into frequent disagreements. My husband loves doing bedtime and if I offer will usually insist, which works well as the baby cluster feeds. Usually it works well. But, to give an example, tonight he was on the phone to his parents- he doesn't get to talk to them often. My toddler started yawning, I asked if I should take him up and was told no, it's still early he can wait. My toddler 5 mins later shook the stairgate and shouted 'up'. My husband ignored him and I told him daddy wouldn't be long. He played for a few mins then bit my husband, who walked away. He followed and bit again. I told him no and asked if he was tired, he said yes and I told him again that he could go up soon. My husband was another 20mins by which point I had ignored him saying wait and was feeding baby in the bathroom whilst bathing toddler. My husband is annoyed I started bedtime and is also angry toddler bit him-he says he knows he is tired but toddler needs to learn to wait. I have asked if we can agree that I do bedtime when he is busy and he says toddler just needs to learn patience. Am I wrong that toddler should just be allowed to go up early if he asks to? It just seems silly to let him get overtired when he asks for bed. If I'm right, how do I explain this? And any advice for stopping the overtired bites if he should wait? Sorry for such a long post

[mousynon]

A tired 22 month old being expected to wait? Hmmm, that's never going to work. The child needs to putting to bed. No wonder he bit. Your husband needs to understand that he is the adult, the parent and has to do the parenting bit when the child needs it, not just when it is convenient for him.

[freyasiobhan]

Thanks. I'm glad it's not just me that thinks that. Any idea how to convince my husband?

[Cocolocos]

No bright ideas but I'm following for advice. My DH is the same, but worse in that he's like this with our 10mo. I'm dreading the toddler phase, and can forsee trouble ahead!

[freyasiobhan]

Hopefully someone out there has an answer for us!

[Seeline]

Have a routine with a set bedtime - non-negotiable. Leave phone calls, chores, TV programmes whatever until after bed time. Who ever is available at bedtime does bedtime. Ideally that would be your DH if you have the baby to deal with, but if not then you have to juggle the two.

[freyasiobhan]

We have a set bedtime and routine, the issue is when our son wants to go to bed early. My husband wants him to wait for bedtime

[Seeline]

It's unusual for a toddler to ask to go to bed early! Does he still have any naps?
What time is bedtime, and how much earlier is he wanting to go to bed? Does this happen frequently?

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

Your Dh needs to grow up. I'd get quite annoyed if this was my Dh.

You don't need to convince him of any thing. If your son is tired and wants bed then he gets to go to bed.

If your Dh has a problem and fights this I'd seriously look at your relationship and what type of man your with. It's terribly controlling and unfair on your son and you.

[Highlove]

That does sound annoying. You were definitely right to intervene. My DH can sometimes be a bit like this - as a PP says (and I've told him) you don't get to choose when you parent. He's generally a great dad but gets caught up in day-to-day crap and I don't think gets that those 20 minutes (or whatever it is) can be the difference between a managable and a nightmare bedtime! I'd explain that calmly at a later point, after the the toddler is in bed.

[freyasiobhan]

Thanks to those who've replied. Will try discussing it again.
In terms of time and naps- he naps for 2 hours between 1 and 3, occasionally 1.30 -3.30. Bedtime starts by 6.30 and he's asleep by 7 (7.30 if he's not tired). He asks to go up early once every 3-4 weeks.

[Seeline]

Well it sounds like you have a routine that works for you and DS - just not a DH that does the same
I agree with others - discuss it with him at a time when this hasn't just erupted and say that if DS is asking to go to bed earlier, he must be tired, and one way or another, he needs to go then. You could try dumping the baby on him next time and see how he deals with a hungry LO whilst on the phone etc!
Or perhaps next time he says he is off to bed, ask him to do something, and then something else etc and then explain that that is what it is like for DS.

[freyasiobhan]

Seeline - great idea!