Calling Mums of older or grown up children

(13 Posts)
cheekyfunkymonkey Mon 07-Nov-16 10:15:46

Any pearls of wisdom to impart to us novices? Anything you wish you had done, done differently or not done at all?

frenchfancy Mon 07-Nov-16 10:20:41

Start as you mean to go on. Don't wait until they are teens before expecting help around the house. Have conversations around the table when they are little and it will be normal for them as they get older.

ReallyTired Mon 07-Nov-16 10:21:22

My eldest is 14. I wish that I had worried less about what other people thought about my parenting style when Ds was little. If I had a time machine I would go back in time and tell the younger me that the health visitor was speaking out her arse.

My youngest child is 7 and I enjoyed the parenting experience more. I had more faith in my ablity to decide what is right for my children.

missyB1 Mon 07-Nov-16 10:27:16

Keep all lines of communication open, and that is something that doesn't happen naturally it's something you have to work at and practice. Spend one on one time with your kids and know what's going on in their lives /friendships. It's too easy to let them drift off as teenagers and suddenly you can find they are living a secret life that you aren't a part of.
Oh and they are never too old for affection and to be told how much they are loved!

myyoyo Mon 07-Nov-16 10:30:30

My eldest is 14. I wish that I had worried less about what other people thought about my parenting style when Ds was little. If I had a time machine I would go back in time and tell the younger me that the health visitor was speaking out her arse.

Exactly this.

sijjy Mon 07-Nov-16 10:34:55

I have a 16yr old. 10yr old and a 4yr old.
Listen to all the little things when they're little as this will help them tell you. Offer things as they get older.
When the big things happen stay very calm and talk instead of shouting and remember to listen.
Try and remember what it was like to be a teenager.
My 16 yr old recently had a cigarette out of her bedroom window. I went upstairs told her not to smoke in the house. And if she really wants to smoke get a job and pay for them herself and smoke outside. She hasn't had one since. Sometimes the less of a issue you make it the less of a issue it will be.

angus6 Mon 07-Nov-16 10:46:16

If you say you're going to do something/ take them somewhere/ buy them something then make sure you do it.

If you say No, mean no. Resist the nagging and the whining. Compromise is fine, but not after you've categorically said No.

Taking this stance from when mine were little has meant my kids trust me to do what I say I will.

Secondly if you share parenting with a partner, back each other up. Don't undermine each other in front of the kids. If you disagree on a parenting issue discuss it out of the child's hearing.

Lastly as a PP has said, trust yourself and have faith that you know how to parent your child. I cared too much about what school and other mums thought.

Ginslinger Mon 07-Nov-16 10:57:48

set sensible rules and sensible consequences but pick your battles - I remember telling DS1 that I'd cancel the holiday if he did something, he did it - I couldn't cancel the holiday because it would have involved the whole family. I was stupid.

I always expected the kids to be 5 minutes late - the consequences kicked in after 5 minutes.

Your kids will be embarrassed whatever you do so you might as well do what you want (within reason)

EVERYONE ELSE in their class will have the latest thing and their life is thus shit because they don't.

Get them used to budgeting by giving money and not topping up when they spend it all on crap.

sponkle Mon 07-Nov-16 10:58:44

Remember that they are individuals who need to find their own direction in life...that won't always tally with your ideas of what that should be. understand that making poor choices and mistakes is a way of learning and gaining life experience as long as they learn from it, don't panic. Always be there to talk, be calm and reassuring and they'll gain your trust. Be a good role model and enjoy your friendship with them.

cheekyfunkymonkey Mon 07-Nov-16 16:57:21

Great responses so far. I am already doing things differently with number two (so much more relaxed about potty training), but both really young so don't have much to go off! I always wish I had been talked to more about career options, and boys, but glad I was taught how to love nature and the great outdoors and to be happy in my own skin.

Yamadori Mon 07-Nov-16 17:16:09

No means no (but pick your battles)! And you are allowed to reconsider if they come up with a sensible reasoned argument.

They are capable of doing more than you think they can, so give them the opportunity to prove to you (and themselves) that yes, they can do it.

Cake or a few sweets/crisps here and there are part of everyday life, not a special treat (that way they don't become a yearned-for obsession)

As soon as they start fighting against the boundaries, think about whether you can widen the boundary a bit - that way, they have less to rebel against.

With freedom comes responsibility.
OK, so you don't want me to keep nagging you to do your homework? Fine, but that means that you have to accept the telling-off from your teacher when it isn't done on time.
Want a later bedtime? Fine, but I'm not going to keep coming in to wake you up in the morning, so if you're late for school it's your own fault.
Don't want to tidy your room? Fine, just don't expect the dirty clothes all over the floor to make it to the washing machine all by themselves.

MrsPigling Mon 07-Nov-16 17:20:33

pick your battles

junebirthdaygirl Mon 07-Nov-16 17:32:42

Most things work out in the end so don't panic. Just because as Sijjy said said they have one cigarette they are necessarily going to become chain-smoking dropouts. Keep a level head.
Put responsibility back on them eg for doing well in exams. Encourage them and listen and help but don't waste energy chasing them as they will do it how they want in the end and it's usually fine.
Eat dinner around the table as often as possible when very small so when they're older facing you at dinner every evening lessens the chances of them hiding stuff and is also fun of course.
If you have a fear of something eg dentist leave that area to your partner if you can as it reduces passing on fears.
Always greet them when they come in even when the answer is a grunt as they need to feel welcome and wanted. Go in to say goodnight until it gets a bit ridiculous.
Mine ate grown now and the best thing is most of my anxieties were groundless.

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