Too much to ask?

(18 Posts)
user1471455287 Thu 03-Nov-16 13:05:40

I'm at my wits end!

My DH started a new job just over a month ago, his hours are 3pm until midnight and I'm left looking after his daughter from s previous relationship and our gorgeous 10 week old.

She isn't the easiest of children to get along with, most things are a battle from showering to bed time. Her mother isn't a great deal of help, only having her the occasional weekend when suits. And DH pretty much has a go when I say I'm at my wits end with it all.

Anyway my question is am I unreasonable to want my DH to ask her mum to have her at least once during the week, not to sleep over but to pick her up from school and drop her off just before bed time?

I feel I'm missing quality time with my little one just the two of us, which is very rare. I also don't want to end up making myself ill with it all.

HaPPy8 Thu 03-Nov-16 13:31:16

If she is at school are you. It getting quality time with your little one then? I'm afraid you can't push an existing child away just because you have had another one. The first few weeks are always hard with a newborn especially first baby so Im not unsympathetic but I do t think it's your step daughters fault. How old is she?

user1471455287 Thu 03-Nov-16 13:48:46

im not saying it's her fault, I'm asking if it's unreasonable to ask her mother to step up and actually be her mother.

HaPPy8 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:17:12

Its your reason for asking though that is wrong. Its since you had another child that you don't want her there. Maybe your husband needs to rethink the change of job?

HaPPy8 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:17:55

How long has she lived with you?

TheABC Thu 03-Nov-16 14:26:29

So she has two parents but you end up with her?! Yes, if you are struggling, DH will have to rethink his hours or talk to her mother about more care. Having said that, if you are battling with her it's because she now has a baby brother or sister and she is feelong unwanted - hence the boundary pushing. If you want to take your step parenting duties seriously (as you are now her main carer) and see her as part of your family, this will (temporarily) mean focusing on her, sorting out her routines and generally love bombing her. Get a sling for the baby - all a 10 week old wants is cuddles, food and a clean bottom - so you can keep up with her.

justfor Thu 03-Nov-16 14:31:41

Fellow SM here, and I wouldn't be at all happy with the situation you describe. I'm happy to look after my DSCs on an occasional basis, but it sounds like you're doing all the childcare. YANBU to think that her mum could step up...or, as a PP says, that her father might look for a job which is compatible with taking care of his daughter (though obviously we don't know the background, and I realise that if it's this job or none, suggesting he look for another isn't very helpful).

user1471455287 Thu 03-Nov-16 14:47:48

She has always been like it, her behaviour hasn't changed since me having the LO, to which I have always said the same thing. You cannot just assume that me feeling this way has come about since having my LO. All I am asking is for one evening a week, if it came across as though I don't want her at all it wasn't supposed to I was just asking if it was selfish of me to think I deserve an evening of relaxed time with the LO. To which I am being slated for, MN clearly isn't the place to ask this question.

HaPPy8 Thu 03-Nov-16 15:55:03

Sorry OP didn't mean for you to feel attacked. It's just very difficult timing. Hope you get some more support.

kilmuir Thu 03-Nov-16 17:14:34

Yes her mum should do one day a week. But to be fair your partner is out at work , I assume you knew of said child when you got with him.
Most people manage a baby and other children.

user1471455287 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:23:21

Yes most people do, so do I the majority of the time. Like I said before I'm not hear to be slated by others.

user1471455287 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:54:10

justfor sorry only just seen your post and thank you for saying that you wouldn't be happy with the situation. Unfortunately in his line of work evenings and nights are the only option. I felt bad for suggesting this to my partner and PP haven't exactly helped, in fact made me feel even worse in even the thought of suggesting it!

Nottalotta Thu 03-Nov-16 19:19:37

I would want firmer contact arrangements in your situation, such as every other weekend with her mum.plus the one night a week you suggest.

AmberEars Thu 03-Nov-16 19:24:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable either. I hope your DP is sympathetic.

BackforGood Thu 03-Nov-16 19:37:10

I understand your feeling, but agree with others that, just after the arrival of a new baby really isn't the best time for her to pick up the message she isn't wanted / isn't still in the same place at the heart of the family that she always has been. I know you aren't saying she isn't wanted, but this is about her perception.
Obviously we don't know anything about the circumstances of her lack of relationship with her mother, but presumably there is a very good reason why she lives with you and dh full time, and hasn't been in the pattern of going to her mother's on a regular weekly basis. Now isn't the time to start to force it.
It is hard when you have a newborn, but you have to think of your whole family.

user1471455287 Thu 03-Nov-16 19:40:02

Nottalotta she's having her s little more at the moment, but I won't speak too soon as she sometimes can go weeks without her seeing her, sometimes not even ringing her.

AmberEars thank you, that makes me feel better. As I've said other posts have made me feel really crap and pretty useless!

justfor Sat 05-Nov-16 08:32:55

OP, I keep thinking about this thread so I've come back. I've already told you I don't think YABU at all. When I was on ML, I refused to look after my DSCs during the school holidays; arguably I could have done because I was there, but I didn't want to because I knew it would be too much (there are 3 of them, and one is quite challenging), and also because I wanted that time alone with DD. I told DH he needed to make other arrangements. Which he did, because he agrees that his children are not my responsibility. That doesn't make me a bad person or a bad stepmum! I do a heck of a lot for my DSCs and we have a great relationship, but I have limits and I make them clear. A stressed, resentful stepmum isn't good for anyone.

Good luck!

user1471455287 Sat 05-Nov-16 09:22:49

Justfor thank you once again. I was starting to feel like a monster for even suggesting having one evening a week, when I have her the rest of the time.

I do understand her behaviour (as any human whatever the age) feeling rejected by their mother. However her behaviour has not improved in the 3 years of being in each other's lives, and it does put a strain on the whole house.

How others have read this post, I am not in the slightest trying to "get rid" of her at all. I am simply trying to have a few hours where my attention is focused on my DS as it is rare we get any time. I have suffered with depression in the past and I feel this may help in keeping PND at bay. I know I cannot prevent it but I can at least try to. (Next I'll be told this is an excuse...)

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