Grandparents out of order?

[sugarbuttys]

So i find a ecig under my 12 year olds bed. He admits he tried it and got it from a friend at school but does not like it. I punished him by taking his xbox and mobile from him and grounding him until around christmas time. He accepted this very maturely and his behaviour has been fantastic since. Because of that i had decided to let him have his phone back as a reward after a month of being grounded. The problem is my 12 year old told us whilst he was staying with his grandparents they expressed to him, our 12 year old that our punishment was a bit sh##e and harsh? Even though they agreed with us. They have told him behind our backs and his uncle were being too hard on him by punishing him this way. And they had also been giving him an xbox to play with whilst hes been staying there. Is it just me or are they totally bang out of order here? I have been raging all weekend and not sure how to approch this without an arguement

[JayDot500]

They're taking the biscuit! . Are they your parents or your in laws?

[poisonedbypen]

It does seem like a very harsh punishment for minor curiosity. But he's your son, your rules & other people should not try to undermine your authority.

[LurkingQuietly]

Bloody hell, that is harsh and imo completely over the top! But they shouldn't have done that.

[sugarbuttys]

They are my in laws yes, im adament on smoking as both my mother, aunt, cousion, and grandfather all died young from smoking, im all for them talking to us over it but talking to my 12 year old over it is i feel out of order

[AgentProvocateur]

They shouldn't have undermined you, but grounding till Xmas is way OTT

[kiki22]

They shouldn't have said that however I think your punishment is way to harsh and unlikely to have much of an effect long drawn out punishments leave kids resentful and angry the message could be lost and how unfair you were will be what was remembered.

He knows he was wrong and accepted the punishment and told you what his grandparents said surely he has earned his freedom.

[Mumofttwins]

You're his Mum and need to show him it's not acceptable. However, you've grounded him until Christmas time ?!?! wow, that's a big punishment.

I think you're teaching him how to cover his tracks more!

[Bluntness100]

He wasn't smoking, it was an ecig, and they can even be nicotine free depending on the liquid used.

I also agree the punishment was way way over the top, at most a sit down discussion was required on why you didn't like it.

The grandparents shouldn't have said anything, clearly, it's your call, but removing his phone, his Xbox and grounding him for a month, down from three months, for what is no more than a minor indiscretion is really not good in my view.

[Helpisathand13]

I understand your point and why the over reaction to a period of time for grounding because of your experiences of smoking and cancer. But I do think to keep sanctions realistic and reasonable does help kids to reflect and understand. I totally agree with you about the in laws, if they had an issue they should speak to you privately about it, even if just to say, come on sugarbuttys that was a bit harsh. No need for confrontation nor to undermine your authority. Naive of them to think though that your DS wouldn't tell you.

[sugarbuttys]

Exactly helpisathand they have never had any problem speaking to us over anything regarding the kids. Thry have never had any problem voicing their opinion before, I do appreciate everyones honest comments and maybe we did over react a little. There is just far too many kids in this area who have turned from smoking then into other things like drinking etc and ive seen too many kids in ds's year falling about the shops drunk just so they 'fit in'. We did let ds out at the weekend and i have given him his phone back. And bit by bit we will. There has been reports know that these ecigs are just as bad as smokes, and the ecig ds had resembled a bong. After giving it away to a heavy smoker, i was told that it was even too strong fot him to smoke.

[Helpisathand13]

Don't beat yourself up sugarbuttys you are behaving like a concerned, caring parent. None of us get it right 100% of the time do we?! I find kids appreciate it when you admit that and say why you over reacted, worried, cuz of family, cuz you care etc. They understand and it does show your love and care. Parenting doesn't come with a manual and its easy to be critical when the action has already taken place its about putting it into perspective for you all and if it means apologising, explaining and reducing sanction you do. But that's your decision not that of undermining family members. Hope things have settled and DS is back on track.x