First of all sorry for the long post.
Looking for advice from night shift working parents or dad's perspective please.
Me and my DH have been together for 10 years now. We have 2 children.
I work from home which is great as it's flexible hours and allows me to spend time with the kids, pick up from school etc. One is in school the other one in nursery in the mornings.
He works from home mostly too although travels quite a bit as well. Great thing is that once the kids come home he is usually there and we have dinner together, helps with bathtime. etc.
He works evenings and nights as it's the time he can concentrate best and doesn't get disrupted. He programs and builds hardware circuits so it's quite intense which I get.
So he will go to bed anywhere between 3 AM to 6AM usually.
Now to the problem: During the weekdays I don't mind as much that he works those hours, we have a set routine but on the weekends he sleeps in EVERY TIME. We never have breakfast together unless it's Christmas or a birthday or mother days, that's it. Sometimes he will make an effort to get up early 10am is super lucky but usually he drags himself out at about 1-2pm.
With the kids being up from 7am, if not earlier that's half their day gone before daddy makes an appearance.
To give you a very quick background.
I come from a very tight and loving family. We are very close, especially with my mum and sister and coming from a country where family is at the essence. My parents still love each other very much which I admire.
DH comes from a broken home which comes with a lot of baggage. His mum abandoned him when he was four and his Dad (who he idolises) had a few different women until he decided to leave the house at the age of 16 and live with his uncle's family for a while. DH left school young and ended up living on his own from an early age. Dad committed suicide when DH was about 25.
Despite all that he worked hard to get where he is now. Which is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.
I understand there is pressure from him to prove himself at work and make enough money to sustain the family but I just think at the core his priorities are different. I LOVE spending time with the kids although I aso need my space from time to time as it's very tiring to work, but my main issue is that he doesn't feel like part of the family. I hate weekends for that very fact.
Don't get me wrong we will do things together but not as much as I would like to. Many times I just plan things with other friends and he stays home sleeping. I am too embarrassed to tell my friends he sleeps all day and always make excuses for him not being there.
I just wish he could be more 'normal' and make an active effort with the kids more. Which in a way he does but not enough.
He has never taken or picked up the little one from nursery.
He rarely picks up the older one from school. Childcare is all on me pretty much.
One thing that does work is if I plan something in advance and let him know that he needs to be up for x time so we can go and that usually works well. But as I said it's not part of the routine.
Working from an office or renting at the minute is not an option. Rent is very high where we live and he did try it for a while but the money just doesn't stretch that far.
He really is a night owl. When he tries to adapt to normal hours he struggles and is just tired all the time which is no fun for anyone.
I wish he would get up early and have breakfast with us.
I wish he would play more with the kids and be more involved in their day to day life.
My dad was a hard worker but the weekends he always made sure he spent quality time with us.
Am I being unreasonable here? Am I asking for too much? I have talked to him about it many times and he knows what my issues are but there is always an excuse as to why he was working late. He knows when I had enough and actively tries to make a change but it's part of who he is almost and finds it VERY hard to change that fact.
I tried to put things objectively but obviously this is my side of the story,
Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading if you got to the end.
Any advice will be much appreciated.
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DH works nights and doesn't spend quality time with us - am I asking for too much?
6 replies
MonkeyBread · 24/10/2016 11:06
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