Just screamed at my 11 month old, again

[Danity856]

I put her to bed and as soon as I'm downstairs at my computer she was up and crying. I went and up and I screamed at her :( "GET TO SLEEEEEP!"

this has happened a handful of times already not just this one time!

I have a business and this month is really important for sales. Everyday my to do list increases tenfold but most days I barely scratch two things off the list. My 11 month old DD is looked after for about 4 hours one day a week and that is really the longest period of time I have at once to work otherwise she is looked after on tuesday for 6 hours in the day but that is because I am actively selling at my pop up shop. I mostly wait until she is asleep to work on my business. Sometimes I have been able to get lots of work in at night time and evening times but recently she is teething...

After I raise my voice she looks shocked, goes completely silent and looks away from me and falls asleep. Why does she do this? Have I completely terrified her to silence?

Now that I have told you everything please can someone help me to come up with some solution or solutions to the problem of my anger and impatience with her lately? I can't give up on the business, it's getting National recognition, huge investment opportunity, and support from most well known charities. it's a ground breaking business with an important cause behind it and I think everyone will be disappointed in me if I put it to bed... but at the same time it's at an early stage where despite the recognition the investment is not confirmed and I can't actually afford to employ help or even to put funds into child care, my mum will only look after dd for one day atm .

On top of all that I feel like I'm going looney, when I don't get the time in a night to work I have realistic dreams that I complete the tasks I needed to, so much so that I failed to do a key thing this week because I literally though I had done it...

[poppopp]

Well, most people either work or look after their child, they don't do both at once! It's kind of impossible as you've found out! I know you say you can't afford extra childcare but I think that's going to be the only solution if you're to keep this up, can your mum do extra days temporarily?

My 11m old often wakes up a few time after she's been put down when she's overtired.

In the nicest possible way it's not her fault you're so stressed, I don't think shouting at her is a good solution, but I know it can be frustrating.

[Heirhelp]

Yes she has gone quiet and turned away because you have scared her. I think you need to look at getting some childcare so you can do your business or do less less work at the moment. If that is not possible you need to decide if your buisness is worth upsetting your child.

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

She isn't even a year old and to scream at her is pretty cruel. She doesn't understand. If she is in pain from teething this is pretty awful.

You can't work and look after a child that age. You need to find childcare or pull back on the work. You can't have it both ways. Where is her dad?

[Danity856]

Of course I don't think it's her fault. I don't why it just comes out of me. I never used to be so stressed like this, and I know that she doesn't understand. I am not a bad person I just can't cope

[pitterpatterrain]

You need childcare, or you need to figure out how to run your business in the 10 hours you have available - what can be done quicker, what can be crossed off the list as low priority.

I have worked myself up in the past when work is tough and DD is not sleeping and I have endless stuff to do in the evening, and it always feels like they refuse to sleep / wake up more when you have more on. No easy way to deal but it certainly isn't their fault.

[pitterpatterrain]

Sorry that sounds like I think it is simple and I know it isn't but burning yourself out is not ideal either

[Danity856]

Why am I being told I am cruel and I think it's her fault? I would never think my stress is my daughters fault she is a baby. If I didnt care I wouldn't be trying to change things. Do I seem like that bad of a person from this

[Nakupenda]

So everyone who loses it and shouts at their children are cruel people? ODFOD

It's natural, but when you've shouted once you usually either learn to manage the situation better or avoid it.

You're not a bad person but you need to get childcare or do something about the amount of work as it won't get much better!

[thenoisytimetravelstudent]

I screamed at my 6 month old today. I know it wasn't her fault and I understand how op feels. I love my dd & I know it's not her fault & I know I've reached my limit of looking after her for the day. I phoned dh to get him to come home and take over. Can you do that op?

[lucy101101]

You can't help but be stressed out by trying to work and take care of a baby at the same time... and clearly it isn't working for you.

Sadly you need either more help or to stop working... there isn't really any other option if you don't want to continue scaring your baby. Do you really need Mumsnet to tell you that?

I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and struggle to do any work when they are not at school/nursery etc. I had this exact same situation this morning, I needed to read a paper... but mine are reaching a point where they can just about understand when I said I needed time on my own to work for a short while.

[Bubblebloodypop]

I've been there. Screamed at my 10 month old because he wouldn't stop crying in the middle of the night. I'm not proud of it but I can understand what drives someone to do it.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to empathise.

[NerrSnerr]

Something has to give. You'll either have to get more childcare or take on less work. What about her dad, can he have her on his days off so you can get a day's work in then?

[minipie]

I think the reason you're getting harsh responses is because your posts make it sound like your business is your priority above your DD.

Also because you are trying to do something impossible - run a full time business with virtually no childcare - but you won't listen to people saying work less or pay for childcare because that's not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry you can't do it all, I really am, but you clearly CAN'T. It isn't going to be fixed by some de stressing techniques.

Is your DD's father around?

[Danity856]

I appreciate the responses. I'm sorry but things are not always clear when you don't get much sleep and constantly have people in your ear. I had no idea things were as bad as they are and regret not having taken a break to reflect properly. I will make some changes either in childcare or the work, work is in no way my priority, it's just been something I viewed as a future for us. but I can see better now that, that's not the way to view things. Her father is not around.

[YellowShockedFace]

I don't think telling a working mum not to work is that simple. Some parents have to work to pay for food and a house. Or just because they want to!
No one is limitlessly patient. Shouting isn't great but a lot of us have been there

[YellowShockedFace]

(It is harder for single mums too so and )

[RiverTam]

You screamed because you've got a lot on your plate. It happens. You know it's not great, which is important to acknowledge, bad parents either don't recognise their bad parenting or don't care. You aren't a bad parent.

But, you can't be an OK parent if you're working and caring for a baby at the same time, especially at bedtime, on your own.

Is there any family you could call on to help you out? Mum friend to do babysitting swaps with?

Good luck with your business, it sounds like your planning a good secure future for your DD.

[Danity856]

RiverTam Thank you for understanding and not judging, this evening has had me in floods of tears. Sometimes you need to see it all from an outside perspective.

My dd is everything and no work is a priority over her. I have until July next year to secure things with the investor, I will slow things down and just use the time allocated instead of pushing things. I've had a nursery in mind for a while now, I'll buck up and ask family if they can make contributions to the amounts I can't afford in childcare for my dd and then I can stop working in the night.

[strawberrybubblegum]

I think you're an absolute super-star. You're a single parent and still have the energy and drive to start your own business. I very much hope it does provide a very bright future for you and your daughter.

I think you are recognising though that you do need to really think about how far you can push yourself, and where is the right place to put your efforts (necessary entrepreneurial skills!)

Practical advice:

1. Students are often a fantastic resource for start-ups. I don't know what your business is, but are there any parts of the job which would be good experience for a student doing an appropriate course? You can get some really fantastic, capable and enthusiastic students to do a few hours at a much lower rate than you would pay someone fully working.
   

1. Maximise what will give you sleep. If your DD is teething, then rather than fight it for 3 hours in the evening, could you co-sleep with her in the early evening and then get up to work for a few hours in the middle of the night or early morning? (Depends on your sleep patterns of course - but I find that going to sleep really early then being up 12pm-3am works quite well for me)
   

1. I might get shot down for suggesting this, but a few episodes on cbeebies isn't a disaster if you need an hour in the day. The main risk is how tempting it becomes once you know how easy it is!
   

1. You say your mum will only do one day a week. Is this a hard constraint (eg she works)? If not, then maybe ask again and see whether there's anything you can do to make it work. Mothers want to help their children if they can.
   

1. And if your mum can't, then can you manage to pay for even a few hours of childcare? If you're in the house, then a local teenager is fine and would be cheaper (just make sure they know only to disturb you in an emergency!)
   

Hope it gets easier soon.

[Stevefromstevenage]

What about an au pair op. Given that you are always there it could just be the spare pair of hands to give you some breathing time. When I was writing my dissertation one summer our neighbours teenage daughter used to come and play with my 2. It worked out really well. Might that be an option st weekends at least.

[minipie]

Ok if father is not around then it's a hard situation and yes it makes it doubly important the business succeeds.

I don't think screaming a few times is the end of the world but it's a symptom that this probably isn't sustainable.

What stage is your funding at? Any chance of an advance now to cover some childcare?

Do you know any other mums - could you do childcare swaps, ie you have both DCs for a morning and she has them both for another morning?

Will you be eligible for 15 hours free childcare once she is 2 (depends on your income then) - it's a long way off but perhaps means you could ask for more help from your mum in return for asking less once DD hits 2...?

Have you checked to see if you are getting all the benefits you can, including help with childcare costs here

Any other family who might help temporarily?

[minipie]

Au pair not a bad idea if you have a spare room - do you? If so that would be cheaper than other childcare options. Normally not suitable for babies but as you'd be in the house it's a bit different...

[5OBalesofHay]

Really dont take strawberries advice to guilt trip your mum. That is not fair at all.

[MummaGiles]

You're not alone in finding it frustrating. I find the very simple method of taking a deep breath and counting to ten, sometimes removing myself from their presence if I know they are in actual danger, to be quite effective. Or forcing a really cheery tone can in itself force me out of my bad mood.

[GratedCarrotStick]

I can empathise as well. Ds2 was an all round shit sleeper up until a year every sleep and nap was a battle and hes a complete sticking plaster to me. Its not the first time iv yelled. Ur amazing what your trying to do single handedly. I try to remember that this wont last forever (although I know that won't help you get things done). Would your mum even sit an evening in your house and do bedtime with dd?