Am I doing it right?

[TellMeStraight]

Have two young DCs, eldest is nearly 7. Basically DC1 never does what she's asked to when she's asked. Mostly about getting washed and dressed the morning and getting ready for bed. But pretty much everything really. I'd driving me insane. And I feel like I'm losing my rag with her on a daily basis. sad Obviously it has to change. So I thought what she probably needs is to be allowed to take more responsibility for herself and that, in turn, giving her the power to produce consequences she either likes, or doesn't like. So, this evening she was told, twice, very clearly and very calmly that if she messed around after lights out, including coming downstairs, she would not be allowed to go to a party which is happening soon. The logic behind that being we had lots of nonsense last night and if she wants to go to a party she needs to get some good nights sleep. 5 minutes after lights out she came downstairs. So she's now not allowed to go to the party. Obviously she cried and asked for "one more chance" but I kept to what I had told her earlier and made it clear she needs to learn to listen to what we tell her, respect what we tell her and believe us when we tell her what the consequences are to not doing those things. I also told her that tomorrow morning I expect her to do what she's asked, the first time she's asked to to it or she won't be going to her after-school hobby either. And that she will continue to miss out on things until she can get herself ready in the mornings without any fuss and can go to bed without any fuss. Am I doing this all wrong? Am I doing what I should have started a few years ago? Or am I being too harsh? If so, what the fuck else am I supposed to do? Surely at her age this kind of behaviour is just ridiculous?! Please help before I completely lose the plot.

[TellMeStraight]

whoops. that was obviously the opposite of short.

[winteriscoming1]

No, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I had two like this, and they did change slowly but surely as they got older.
I always made sure that I did what I said I was going to do, so if I promised them a treat for good behaviour, they got it and if I said they would lose a treat they you have to follow through. As long as you're consistent they eventually get the idea.
Maybe try small immediate tasks, like asking her to fetch you something and then getting an immediate reward when she does, only something small, I used stickers a lot. Kids that age lose concentration very quickly and there are so many other things to distract them.
I found lecturing them doesn't work, and time doesn't seem to have any meaning to them, 5 minutes after bedtime may have seemed like an hour to her.
Keep slogging away, they all get there in the end.

[KatyN]

The only thing I would do differently is to make sure she hears the first time you ask.. So say her name, get her to look at you and nod that she hears the instruction. Sounds daft but I find I repeat myself all the time because my children are so engrossed in something they don't hear. I even have to tap their shoulder to get their attention.
I'm probably the same.. Pissing around on mn when they ask me to do something will result in them asking more than once!!!

[BertieBotts]

Interested in the "other school reasons non relevant". This sounds very similar to my own behaviour with ADHD (Inattentive rather than hyperactive type) and DS is very similar to me too and is very like this. But, on the other hand, it does also sound like very ordinary and frustrating childish behaviour because they just don't keep track of time, rather than being anything abnormal. But the mirroring at home and school is interesting, especially if school have pointed towards a difficulty with staying on task which is different from her peers.

How old is the younger one? If older than about 5, do you have similar issues?

I think that the party sanction was perhaps a little harsh because the birthday child will now be disappointed as well, but I don't think it's a bad thing to have a consequence like that every now and again because it does make them realise you're serious. One other point about this, is that it might have been better if she was given a chance to self correct. E.g. "DD it's lights out now, is there any last thing you need to tell me before morning?" Or when she came out before she spoke interrupt her and say "Before you speak: Remember we said if you come downstairs you can't go to the party. Do you really want to do that?"

But again, I don't think you've done anything terribly wrong. Those are just suggestions.

[TellMeStraight]

She's very bright and pretty much top of class for everything. Always gets 10/10 for a test. Just very day-dreamy and easily distracted. I've been told she's "young for her age" which tbh was a shock. I don't think she is. I don't think anyone else thinks. There have been a lot of unsettling changes at school which is generally having an effect on DD, and possibly everyone else at school. And I do wonder if her not concentrating at school is is because the work is too easy.

I think her general lack of being able to get a move on is partly inherent and partly because I've been too soft.

I've done those things you suggested but I feel like it doesn't get us anywhere.

Youngest is in reception and we've been told he's young for his age too. And slow and daydreamy.

No other indicators of anything else amiss.