No friends after having baby?

(21 Posts)
lucy1997 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:05:08

So I had my first baby 4 months ago now and I'm only 19. Before having him I was working and liked to keep myself busy. Now all of a sudden I have no friends. Everyone who I knew before has gone away to uni and my only friend is my boyfriend but he is working all day so I'm starting to feel incredibly lonely on my own all day long with the baby and miss having real conversation with people. Even when my boyfriend comes home he hardly speaks to me...

isthistoonosy Mon 19-Sep-16 09:08:07

I think the standard advice is get put to every baby group you can stomach and try to be friendly and chat to people.
If you worked and esp if you plan to return could you meet up with your old colleagues at all?

Now personally I'm anti social as fuck and have loved not having to.interact with people, but its not for.everyone. grin

lucy1997 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:11:39

I'm quite anti social myself actually but I do enjoy having a few friends but I also have social anxiety so going to mummy and baby groups scare me. I do plan on going back to work in a few months but where I worked before was only a really small place and I worked with about 4 other women who were almost at retirementconfused

BikeRunSki Mon 19-Sep-16 09:20:30

Ask your HV if there are any groups for young/teenage parents, they may be less intimidating.

isthistoonosy Mon 19-Sep-16 09:20:41

Could.you ask.your hv if there is anything specifically for young mums, maybe knowing people will be around your age would be easier?

Any chance to reconnect with a friend that has gone to uni, could.you arrange.to.visit even just travel up.Sat and home Sunday if your oh can have the baby in a few months or so.

lucy1997 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:23:12

That's a good idea, my hv is coming again in a week so I will mention it to her. I have 2 high school friends who still live near me and I try to connect to them all the time but they aren't bothered. I just want new friends near enough my age who also have a baby so they understand what it's like.

I just feel as if I can't make friends

lucy1997 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:23:42

That's a good idea, my hv is coming again in a week so I will mention it to her. I have 2 high school friends who still live near me and I try to connect to them all the time but they aren't bothered. I just want new friends near enough my age who also have a baby so they understand what it's like.

I just feel as if I can't make friends

Annabel11 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:25:56

How about being friends with the neighbours, assuming you know them and you feel ok with them? I suppose that would be less intimidating?

ArcheryAnnie Mon 19-Sep-16 09:28:36

I agree with everyone else about joining every baby group you can find, and seeing what you like, and if you can find other women you can connect to.

What worries me about your post, though, lucy, is what you say about your boyfriend. You have a four month old - he should be pitching in and being a part of both your lives, not "hardly speaking" to you. That's not a normal relationship at all, and not one you should be prepared to put up with indefinitely. What's his problem? Is he just selfish (eg gaming with his mates instead of spending time with you and the baby) or is there an even bigger problem?

2016Hopeful Mon 19-Sep-16 09:30:35

Also, look at local meet a mum boards as you may find a similar minded mum on there. It was a big shock for me when I was 28 as I moved with a new baby and didn't really know anyone. I eventually met people through groups and then preschool and now school. I do find that friends seem to parents of my children as I work from home.

Also, why not do something in the evening or at the weekend, ie gym class or something that interests you so that your boyfriend looks after the baby for a bit alone.

Good luck with it all. I hope you find some nice friends soon.

ArcheryAnnie Mon 19-Sep-16 09:30:35

Oh, and on the social anxiety at baby groups thing, don't worry too much - you have a prop! And the prop is your baby. It means you have the perfect excuse to engage and disengage at will, and makes meeting other people much easier as you have both a ready-made conversation-starter and an escape route.

doyouseeme1 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:31:40

I could have written this exact post. I had friends until I settled down (im only 22) and had a child, now I never get invited out or see/speak to anyone. I also have social anxiety and the thought of going to a toddler group fills me with fear. I work part time so I get some adult interaction and a decent xonversation for a few hours but otherwise I'm lonely. My dp works two jobs and because of the timings there are three days when I only see him for an hour.
I've got no suggestions how to make friends, I used to find it so easy years ago and now I have no idea! I know how you're feeling.

doyouseeme1 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:36:17

I forgot to say theres an app called Mush that helps you find parents in your area who want to make friends. It shows their interests so that could make it easier for you to connect with someone and have something in common

honeysucklejasmine Mon 19-Sep-16 09:38:08

My SIL struggled with this, as she was a similar age. She has found going back to work helped, but she never really got to baby groups or anything. She definitely sees fewer people now, but the friends who have stuck by her are the only ones worth calling friends, anyway.

PotatoBread Mon 19-Sep-16 09:47:10

Are you in a sure start catchment area? If you don't know your HV will be able to advise when you next see her. Sure Start groups are normally a bit less intimidating than baby groups that are held in a church hall etc. Signing up for baby classes can also be good if you can afford it - baby massage, baby sensory, swimming etc.

My HV gave me a list of all baby/toddler groups in my area as I'm outside of the Sure Start catchment area. Definitely worth speaking to her about it

Loulou0 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:58:48

Have a look at your local NCT group. They often do groups, buggy walks etc. There are often volunteer roles available there too. I met loads of lovely people through mine. Good luck op x

lucy1997 Mon 19-Sep-16 10:10:01

Thanks for all the advice anyone. My boyfriend is hit and miss sometimes. He comes home from work and just wants to chill out which I get but it's the one thing I look forward to all day to get some help and chat to him. Sometimes he's chatty sometimes he just ignores me for his phone or goes to sleep. I just wish he was more energetic and wanted to go out more. I'm constantly suggesting places to go and he never seems to want to do it because he's out all day he just wants some time at home whereas I'm home all day and want to see something else other than these four walls. It's different for him he has lots of friends and goes out with them and we had a huge talk not that long ago when I had a breakdown and explained all this to him and he said he would try harder and he did but now it's like he's forgot about that conversation. I think I'm definitely going to look up some baby groups though and pluck up the courage to go!

ArcheryAnnie Mon 19-Sep-16 19:17:25

It's different for him he has lots of friends and goes out with them

Oh, lucy - if you want to have any chance of a decent relationship and a decent life for the next 17 years and 8 months, you need to sort him out. You have a baby together, and he's just carrying on as if he was still single and childless.

Don't ask - demand and take. If he's had a night out, when he comes in on another evening, hand him the baby and swan off out of the door, even if it's only to a local cafe to have a quiet coffee in peace. Or go out with him, and take the baby - and make sure he is holding the baby for half of the evening. (This is easy to say, more difficult to do, but you take my point, no?)

He has to learn that this is a family, not a thing he can pick up and put back down whenever he feels like it.

ArcheryAnnie Mon 19-Sep-16 19:17:46

It's different for him he has lots of friends and goes out with them

Oh, lucy - if you want to have any chance of a decent relationship and a decent life for the next 17 years and 8 months, you need to sort him out. You have a baby together, and he's just carrying on as if he was still single and childless.

Don't ask - demand and take. If he's had a night out, when he comes in on another evening, hand him the baby and swan off out of the door, even if it's only to a local cafe to have a quiet coffee in peace. Or go out with him, and take the baby - and make sure he is holding the baby for half of the evening. (This is easy to say, more difficult to do, but you take my point, no?)

He has to learn that this is a family, not a thing he can pick up and put back down whenever he feels like it.

ArcheryAnnie Mon 19-Sep-16 19:19:26

Gah! Double post, sorry! (That's happened to me three times this week, having never happened to me before!)

CodeBreaker16 Mon 19-Sep-16 19:25:39

Sorry only skim read but just wanted to echo the encouragement to go out to groups. I found my single friends drifted away after having my child but I made a few new good friends through baby groups. I have a bit of social anxiety too but I actually found it easier going to things with baby in tow, he's always there as a distraction, people often talk to/look at baby rather than me, if you need a break you can use nappy changing as an excuse! I felt my baby protected me a bit from the social interaction if you see what I mean! And defo ask hv about young mums/teens groups.

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