Friend's parenting differently

[Namechanger5432121]

I have name changed for this as aware my friend may be a mumsnetter.

I have this friend who I have seen almost fortnightly since our DC were born almost 3 years ago. We are great friends and have supported each other through the highs and lows of baby stage and now toddler into preschool stage and always got on very well despite having quite different parenting styles.
Lately (last couple of months) I have noticed her DS behaviour becoming more and more disruptive and have mostly accepted that it is the age and stage for this but the last couple of meet ups we have had have been awful and his behaviour is terrible.
She is extremely laid back and even sometimes allowing ds to do things that are dangerous because she is chatting/ eating/ can't be bothered (her words) and I am getting more and more anxious when we are together.
We alternate between houses for play dates as neither of us have much money.
The last few times we have been at hers I have witnessed the following:
DS climbing on coffee table and banging on the TV on the wall
Throwing toys down the stairs repeatedly resulting in them breaking
Emptying a whole box of toys and then just jumping on them breaking a few in the process which then result in sharp plastic
Standing on high window sills and jumping around
Each and every time she has just moved DS and laughed about it.
She didn't even notice the broken toys and I have to sift through them as didn't want my DS to then stand on one and hurt himself.

Anyway yesterday they came to me and I spent the whole time watching her DS, clearing up after him as he was getting out my things as well as every single toy, he also managed to break a photo frame which was on a high shelf by climbing up my bookcase and she did nothing. I thought that was bad enough but after they had left I go into my kitchen and find drawing all over my wall and white kitchen units! I have scrubbed and scrubbed but it won't come off. Its the last straw for me as there have been so many issues and things broken lately that my DS usually ends in tears.
I thought that maybe she was struggling with his behaviour so asked her how she was finding this stage as my DS is no angel and I've had a few 'lose my shit' moments but she just replied that it was exhausting but so much fun!
I asked what she did when ds didn't listen to her (as if asking for advice) and she just said she couldn't be bothered to carry on telling him as he doesn't listen anyway.
Obviously she doesn't know about my kitchen and I'm not quite sure how to tell her? And in all fairness I'm not even sure what the point would be as she probably won't do anything about it anyway.

I don't want to stop seeing her as I still think of her as a close friend but I just don't want them over here anymore! We will often meet at the park if the weather is OK but more often than not, it is raining and like I said we then alternate houses.

[AmeliaJack]

"Your DS drew all over my walls last time, let's meet in the park next week"

I would think that would do it.

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

Oh no that's so awkward. I'd not want him round again either. I would want to mention the kitchen, by way of explanation, but I don't know how you could bring it up.

In time, he might calm down, perhaps you could stall meeting up for a while and see if he's better in a couple of months.

Things like this can ruin friendships though. My friend's son usually breaks something of ours every time he comes round, or empties my entire wardrobe and drawers all over my room so there's clothes everywhere when they leave. But he has ADHD, and my friend hardly ever gets a break, so if he's entertained playing with my kids and we watch him carefully together, I feel like I can pay that price for her so she can feel relaxed and get some hint of peace. She's very proactive though. If she was doing fuck all I'd be pissed off like you.

[RoseDeGambrinus]

Sounds like a nightmare. I don't have any advice about handling it tactfully but have you tried magic eraser to get the drawing off?

[Namechanger5432121]

Haha I would love to be that blunt Amelia but I just hate confrontation!
I think I am going to have to stop seeing them for a bit before it does ruin our friendship tbh.
When he first started showing this behaviour I wondered if she wasnt sure how to deal with it and may have been putting on a nonchalant face but the more I see them the more I realise that I don't think she can be bothered to be the bad guy and be consistent.
It just annoys me that DH and I have been so mindful bringing up our DS not to do things like this and respect his things so it is upsetting that she is not even bothered when she is at others people's houses.

BTW I am not implying that I have a perfect child by any means!!

[FuzzyOwl]

Tell her about the kitchen and say because of it, you'll have to meet at the park in future and if it rains then you'll have to rearrange.

[Namechanger5432121]

I've just Google magic eraser as never heard of them! I am hoping that is the way to go! Thanks rose

[AmeliaJack]

It doesn't have to be confrontational Name. Say it with a smile.

I see lots of threads on MN where people let friendships go rather than be honest and lots of threads where people have been dropped and gave no idea why.

A calm, straightforward but polite conversation can avoid all the angst.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

"Let's go to the park, let them blow off steam and keep the houses in tact."

Or, hang out without the kids.

[Luckystar1]

Oh this sounds very stressful! I have noticed behaviour like this creeping into my friend's children (and my own DS of course!) but for the most part we are all very vigilant!! If that changed I wouldn't be a happy bunny!

I have had 2 friends recently whose children have come once when I was heavily pregnant, son wrecked my house and repeatedly hurt our son, we spent the whole visit on tenderhooks as he took lumps out of our walls throwing toys and we literally couldn't leave our son alone with him for a second.

More recently a friend and her daughter came (baby was 5 weeks), girl went fucking ballistic around our house, it was left like a bomb site, they merrily left, I tidied up after them... Lucky me!

I like you, OP, end up just stewing as I hate confrontation, but I try so hard with DS I really hate being around people who can't be arsed as for the next few hours, DS is a little shit!

[Cakescakescakes]

Yes a Flash Magic Eraser will take the marks off anything!!!

[lovealatte]

It's really difficult. I've been in your friend's shoes (kind of) in that I have a very energetic and unfortunately at times quite rough ds. Although unlike your friend I do my best to keep an eye on him, speak to him/remove him when he's hurting or being silly and apologise profusely for any damages (my ds isn't in the same league as the little on you describe btw but has his moments). Anyway I have been on the receiving end of mums not inviting us over anymore or becoming distant and unfriendly. I know why it's happened and it's horrible. I don't really know the answer but I know what it feels like to be phased out.... I guess if it were me I'd rather just be told what my ds had done and have the opportunity to apologise and offer money/help cleaning up etc.
Having said all that, if you do bring it up and she doesn't apologise and take some action I would maybe just say something like "let's stick to meeting in parks or soft play for now as I'm fed up with the kids trashing the house".

[GoldFishFingerz]

The boy obviously needs a good run round. Why don't you just wear waterproofs and wear the kids out properly before a quick cuppa at home

[GoldFishFingerz]

Or just meet at her house. But it seems he really needs a good run round and hanging out at home isn't enough

[Stevefromstevenage]

Yes I do think her son has outgrown the 'at home entertainment' and it is time to spread your wings. I would be inclined to say that too, make it sound like he is developing faster than your chap, no one gets offended by that

[gamerchick]

I see my pals without the kids and if they're particularly insistent I only see them in a bingo hall. Can't be doing with kids trashing my house.

Yep a magic sponge should sort out your scribbles.

[Oblomov16]

Your friendship is over. This happens all the time. There are tonnes of threads about this, all the same, over the last decade.

[Oblomov16]

Your friendship is over. This happens all the time. There are tonnes of threads about this, all the same, over the last decade.

[Oblomov16]

Your friendship is over. This happens all the time. There are tonnes of threads about this, all the same, over the last decade.

[popthisoneout]

I've found as children get out the toddler stage and become preschoolers, tolerance for boisterous, bad behaviour hugely reduces.

I've let go of a few friends who didn't discipline their children through either laziness or different parenting styles, and despite having known them for years, it just wasnt fun anymore.

Others will find it too, so you won't be alone. Tbh if she's not gone type to step in, it will only get worse. Just try and see her in her own if you value her friendship.

[FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose]

I have a friend like this. She's a lovely person but I hate having them round because her dcs wreck the place.

Even when we're out, her dc will be a pain. Once he climbed into my napping DC's pushchair. Friend gave tinkly laugh and said how dc had been asleep for ages so it was probably for the best!

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Send her pics of your kitchen. And then suggest free places to go next time. Do not have her to your house and accept that behaviour!

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Meet at either her house or the park. Or without the kids.

[Paintedhandprints]

I tried meeting my friend with the 'boisterous' dc in the park and my dc (and any others in the way) got shoved off the top of the slide and whacked with sticks. Fun times. My friend did ask for advice and try to deal though. We still reduced contact for a bit. Just tell her straight

[Cocochoco]

There's no way round this apart from stopping seeing her with her kid, or only meeting in parks. And only do the latter if he's not rough with your dc.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

I've dropped a friend from my NCT group over this.

I was very clear that her DS was hurting my DS and I wasn't going to put up with it. She did nothing, just stood watching whilst in a whiney voice moaned at him "don't do that". God forbid she actually went and intervened.

I stopped seeing her, then her DS bit another child at a sport lesson my DS also went to. It was excuse after excuse no actual telling off, her DS was asked to leave the lessons and that was the last time I saw her. However, if your not willing to actually willing to explain what the problem is, I think you are being unfair to her.