Mother/Daughter Relationship Nonexsistent

(2 Posts)
herohayley09 Fri 26-Aug-16 11:29:47

So I don't have a mother/daughter relationship with my mum provides financially but not emotionally she just sits in front of the TV after work. I ask her how work was and she'll answer, and she'll answer ask how mine was and the convo ends there. She was away for 3 weeks and the first thing she said when she came back was do your chores I am 27 and I would thought by now we could have a relationship but no we don't. I tried to invite her out for Chinese and she said stop wasting your money on fast food and I said we could go together and she told me she was busy.

Her brother and sister my aunt and uncle have children who also complain their parents are completely disengaged and no nothing about our generation and what goes on in your lives.

My blood boils every-time I think about this but during the first year of sixth form which is education between 16-18 I had a mental breakdown when I was 17, the first time she noticed I was quite unwell she cried on the bus. It got worse and lasted about 2 months of me walking around the streets and going into school and sitting around because I wasn't getting the help I needed and my friends said they didn't know what to do which at 17 is understandable. At night time I would often go to this girls house from school because I was mentally unwell and not getting help, she ended up getting annoyed and my mum new I was leaving the house and it makes me think she is irresponsible and when anything else happens I can't trust her.

My friends dad called her and told her to take me to the hospital so she did and then took me home. And she got a call from my friends parents telling them to pick me up from their place and she did but did nothing more when we went home.

So that was 2007 and this is 2016. I was talking to her about the incident I said to her "How come you didn't take me to the hospital?" She said I was in such a trance that I hard to control and she said do you know you were going to your friends house and they said no this is wrong. So I feel like she is blaming me for my actions. She will not take responsibility whatsoever.

So mothers out there what do you think?

MamaMotherMummy Sat 27-Aug-16 02:13:01

I'm really sorry about this. I know from experience how upsetting it is to want to have a deeper relationship with your mum but receiving no response. It's very hurtful. And you feel she badly let you down all those years ago, but she won't say sorry or acknowledge what you went through properly. I have also had a similar experience with my mother.

Ultimately, the sad truth is you can't force her. And another sad, but perhaps liberating truth, is that she is doing the best she can. She obviously has her own issues and emotional baggage that is getting in the way of her connecting with you, however much she wants to.

This is deeply deeply hurtful, I know, but it is not your fault. It's nothing wrong with you that she doesn't want more of a relationship, it is just the walls she has up to 'protect herself emotionally.'

Now you're 27, a woman. I know mother-daughter issues keep hurting like you're still a little girl, even when you're well into adulthood, but at some point we've got to break away from needing their approval and the relationship we wish we had with them, because it's very unlikely to be happy.

Learn to give yourself the love and closeness you would have shared with her, and move on with your life. Perhaps move out if you can.

Still be kind to her and pleasant to her, of course, but realize that she actually can't give you what you need/want.

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