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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Hate being a mum ..

19 replies

bestofbothhovis · 22/08/2016 19:16

Have a 14 month old DS. We did not plan for him. I never wanted children, ever.
I love him to pieces, I really do. I just hate being a mum. I've lost all my friends because they don't have children and I'm the only one who does. I had to give up my once in a lifetime dream job which I'm still really struggling to come to terms with. I did have bad PND after DS was born but I thought I was getting better.
I really don't know where to go from here.
I was on anti depressants and although they numbed my feelings they didn't take away the fact that I just don't like being a mum. I am not cut out for this, I am not a good mum and I don't think I ever will be

OP posts:

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RamonaTheGreat · 22/08/2016 19:21

I can't offer any advice but didn't want to read and leave. Have you spoken to anyone IRL about this?

JeepersMcoy · 22/08/2016 19:24

Hi best. First thing first. It is OK to feel like being a mum is not that great and it doesn't make you a bad person. Secondly, have you been back to your gp. It might be worth another chat if you are feeling low. Having a baby is really hard and not always the wonderful world of sunshine and joy it can be made out to be. I have certainly found it seriously tough.

I really, really wanted a child. I love her to bits (more than I ever imagined), but I also just don't particularly enjoy being a mum. She is 4 now and it is better. She is so much more fun and turning into a real person I want to hang out with. I have also realised that I don't have to be a great mum, I just have to be good enough and I think I can manage that.

Take everyday, every hour if need be, at a time and get through that. Everything else will sort itself out.

MotherofPearl · 22/08/2016 19:25

OP, this sounds really hard for you, sorry. What is it that makes you think you're not a good mum? IME, mums who worry about whether or not they're good mums are the good ones! The 'bad' ones don't bother giving it any thought. Do you have a partner or husband you can discuss this with?

Missgraeme · 22/08/2016 19:26

Could u teach your lo to baby sign? Once your child gets past the baby stage and can start to communicate it brings on new meaning to being a parent. My lo was prem and I struggled to manage a tiny one and other kids as he was so demanding. Once he started signing it became so much easier to share a bond with him. I remember when he signed 'I love mama' and I began to enjoy him a lot more. Don't be ashamed to confide in someone that u are struggling. Try and get to baby groups and find support.

bestofbothhovis · 22/08/2016 19:29

Sometimes I'll tell my DP how I'm feeling but he knows me so he's noticed im going back to how I used to be.
I'm just not very good with him, I don't even know how to explain it. And I'm selfish because I don't want to be a mum because I want to do my own thing and have my life back. I've lost all sense of who I am. I feel like a robot with no identity and I can't carry on like it

OP posts:

JeepersMcoy · 22/08/2016 19:35

You are not selfish. You do not have to give yourself up just because you have a child. Fro. Your op I get the impression you are no longer working? Can you afford some childcare so you can go back to work? Even if it only pays enough to cover nursery fees it sounds like you need something to help you get a break and be you again.

I went back to work when dd was 6 months old and it saved my sanity. That time being an adult with other adults was really important to me.

If not then do you get some time during evenings or weekends to go out and do something for you?

Heathen4Hire · 22/08/2016 19:56

I didn't like being a mum at first. There are still some aspects of it, years later, that I feel inept, and out of my depth with. My daughter is fiercely independent and will not let me do anything for her. I feel inadequate. One day, after a fight over plaiting her hair, I said I just want to parent you and feel useful! She replied, Mummy, although Daddy and I love our geeky stuff and spend a lot of time together, I still need you to be around. I miss you when you are at work. Am I doing anything wrong? I asked her. No, you are the best mummy in the world. And she hugged me. She is ten next month.

I do miss not going out when I want to, meeting friends when I want to, having a different relationship from DH though. Things changed when she came along. If I don't fuck her up, as the Philip Larkin poem goes, she will be the one thing I can truly say, I had some success with in my life.

HamSandwichKiller · 22/08/2016 19:59

I'd suggest getting some solid childcare in place, mine was doing 2 half days a week from 6 months on so I could do a bit of freelance work. It was lovely to have that bit of time even though I was working.

Please don't SAH if you feel this way at 14 months old, it will do
neither of you any favours in the long term.

Oh and pretty much everyone thinks they're doing it wrong at some point. It all seems so high stakes, like is this the thing that's going to
screw up my kid forever? Truth is it's impossible to say - do your best as often as you can manage and love them fiercely, hopefully everything else will pass.

Iflyaway · 22/08/2016 20:06

It is SO HARD being mum... to one and only without a dad around. sometimes better

AND BREATHE...

Single mum here...

It DOES get better!

ifcatscouldtalk · 22/08/2016 20:17

You are not alone, many people feel the same. My daughter was planned for and i couldn't wait to have. I had pnd and thought wtf have I done! Whilst everyone was congratulating me I felt like I'd been struck by a truck. After about 2 years things got better and now she is nearly 12 and despite being a teen in the making I love life with her. I've learnt that although I may not be earth mother I am a decent mother. I adored the primary school years and her and her friends have me in stitches some days. It does get better, its never perfect or easy but time can change the way you feel.

ifcatscouldtalk · 22/08/2016 20:19

Btw im sure you are a great mum, just having a tough time.

bestofbothhovis · 22/08/2016 20:19

I would work again happily but ever job I have applied for I haven't been able to get because I don't have experience. I can't drive so I'm limited to working in my town and now I've ran out of options because I have applied to everywhere!
I just don't have any friends anyway. Nobody wants to be friends with a mum when I'm the only one with a child.
I just want my life back and to feel normal again

OP posts:

IDontWantToBuildASnowman · 23/08/2016 14:03

I felt exactly the same. Had bad PND. Thought I had ruined my lovely life. Wished I could go back and make different decisions about having a family. Hated the baby days, wasn't thrilled with the toddler years but finally started getting pleasure from around 2-3yrs when IMO they become a lot more interesting and develop personalities.

I now have two of primary age and I would say that once they are at school you will suddenly see your friendship circle increase a lot (if you are open to it) and with people you will have plenty in common with - other women also craving to be women not just mums.

I would recommend you go to lots of activities/clubs with your LO and try to chat to people. I also met people through a PND listening group which was a godsend and I think helped more than the prozac I ended up taking. I realise you will be befriending other mums, but you will be surprised how many other mums yearn for a bit of child free fun every now and again and you might spark up some really lovely friendships.

It's hard to advise you on the work side as I have no idea what you do, but even if you can get a part time job in non skilled work, just to give you a break from being a mum and some interaction with adults on non baby talk terms that could make all the difference.

Also do you have any family who could so some baby sitting (day or night) and give you a couple of days off every now and again to go and spend time doing something for you?

Hold on in there though as like others have said it does get better and the speed at which it improves accelerates with each year. You just have to try and develop some coping strategies to get you through until it starts to change.

Big hugs though, I know how awful it feels. xxx

afatalflaw · 24/08/2016 06:17

I really sympathise with you, parenting is horribly hard but from your last post those problems are not solely down to being a parent.

In terms of a job I assume you have some experience to have got your dream job before, can you increase your knowledge/ experience by going on a course, there are loads online now, or volunteering? Is there no way to get to other places by public transport?

Regarding friends it is hard for people with no children to realise how time and energy consuming it is. Older friends may go by the wayside for a bit until they 'catch up' or you have more time to socialise without your child. Can you make new mum friends at baby groups and classes?

Try not to associate what is lacking in your life with your child as this seems like a lot of pressure to put on yourself and your parenting.

bestofbothhovis · 26/08/2016 19:01

I've been to baby and toddler groups and try and talk to people but they just smile and nod and are too busy with their children.

I don't have any experience, the job was to do with horses and I got offered the job because they thought I was talented and could progress nicely with them. I have no way of working in this sector anymore as I haven't got a car or anyone to give me a lift to work anymore like before.

I had a job interview the other day and didn't get it

OP posts:

flowertoday · 26/08/2016 19:11

Hi hovis- I agree with the other posters, the baby and toddler years can be really hard and it isn't always easy to meet other mums. I started to do a few hours of voluntary work that interested me when my first two were little. It really helped me, gave me some space to be with other adults, learn new things and be me. Later on it helped me to be able to get a paid job again.
I know it is a childcare dependent option, but did help me. It does get easier.😊

Dragongirl10 · 26/08/2016 19:18

Is there any way you could learn to drive? Perhaps your DH could teach you the basics and a few lessons could get you through your test.

If you could drive your whole world could change for the better, it would open up a host of job oportunities and if you felt low you could drive to family or friends for a break and do more interesting things with Dc.

It does get more fun being a parent as they get older, and much less restricting.

waitingforsomething · 27/08/2016 07:59

14 months is a bit of a shit age op. They can do enough to cause havoc but have zilch sense of reason, danger or rationality. When my DD was this age I also hated being a mum. boring, relentless, grizzly, early mornings. She was a 'surprise' and I was on the young side, and never wanted to be a mum. Once she was 2 and a bit and became a real little person I started to really enjoy her, and now at almost four she is the light of my life and I love parenting her. Honestly, I was so impressed with her that I decided to have another who is now 13.5 months and relentless, grizzly and all the things I didn't like about being her mum. Difference is I know at some point soon-ish he will develop too and I will enjoy being his mum.
Going to work helped me - if it's possible for you in one way or another - even if it doesn't make you much money - then it's worth getting a bit of 'adult' back. Hang on in there, parenting gets better.

Kione · 27/08/2016 10:18

Agreed with learning to drive and your DP needs to step up and stay with your child so you can go out with your friends?

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