finding it a bit difficult to accept baby 2

(12 Posts)
justonesherryformedicinalpurpo Wed 17-Aug-16 21:33:45

I am going to feel awful posting this but I'm hoping I'm not alone in having felt this way.

Firstly let me say I do love DD2 and couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to her and it feels so right being a family of four.

However I must admit I am finding things a bit difficult and frustrating and I guess I feel a little favouritism towards DD1?! DD1 is 18 months old.

DD2 is a cluster feeder so from 5 until DD1 goes to bed I basically have DD2 attached to breast. I enjoy getting DD1 ready for bed but the past couple of nights DD2 has "ruined" the fun fussing and crying until she is attached to me again. DD1 is very patient and doesnt seem to mind but I feel like I'm forever saying "watch your feet near baby" "don't stand on bed near baby" etc.

DD1 is a mummy's girl and we often cuddle but that can be difficult atm. We co sleep and giving her a cuddle in bed is one of my favourite parts of the day but at present I have baby attached to breast so cannot.

DD1 is easy to look after now. She is, confident, cheeky, independent and plays well while I tidy. Sleeps through. That took a while and I guess I've only just got used to it and now I'm back to breast feeling in the night again! I feel I can't really enjoy DD2 newborn stage because I just don't have proper time to enjoy it like I did with DD1 and I am looking forward to her turning a year old I guess when they can really start playing together and I get a little independence back.

DP is helpful but he is currently spending the evenings decorating our new home. This won't go on for long and I guess things will be a little easier then.

I don't know. This is a ramble. Does/did anyone else feel similar to this when baby 2 arrived. I really didn't think I would feel like this tbh. I knew it would be difficult having two under two and I thought knowing this would prepare myself for it. I just feel like I'm letting DD1 down a bit because she doesn't have my full attention anymore..

HariboFrenzy Wed 17-Aug-16 22:29:15

Hey, I only have 1 ds so not been in your position but it all seems quite normal to me? I think we are programmed to forget the relentlessness of the early days... Maybe you need to lower your expectations and be kinder to yourself. It's great that dd1 is so patient. Relax.. it's a big change for the whole family. Give yourself time to adjust flowers

AnnaT45 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:39:54

I hear you. My dd1 is 19 months and dd2 two weeks. DD2 cluster feeds every afternoon/ evening and screams if out down for ten seconds. It means I miss a lot if time with DD1 and I really miss her. But I appreciate it will get better with time and that my relationship and bond with dd1 grew over time as it will with dd2. I think the whole toddler newborn is really hard in general and things get neglected. Be grateful your first sleeps through. Mine doesn't and it's bloody hard work!!

AnnaT45 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:50:31

Sorry didn't meant to sound catty re your first sleeping. Just dealing with mine who won't sleep after finally getting the newborn to stop feeding. I just keep thinking of when it gets easier in a few months and hanging on to that. Hope you don't feel so alone now

SleepFreeZone Wed 17-Aug-16 23:00:30

See interestingly I have felt differently. DS1 is three, nearly four and I have made absolutely sure that he knows it's important for me to spend time with the baby. I've lost count of the number of people who told me no.2 just had to fit in, to stick him in the corner, to let him cry, to give him formula as it's easier. I wanted to make sure that DS2 had every opportunity to breast feed and have one on one with the extra stimulation of having a big brother too.

So it's been a bit of a battle but I think we are now winning. Some might say i have sacrificed my relationship slightly with DS1 but I think it's actually made him a little less selfish, he adores his baby bro and DP is around every evening and weekend to do some one on one time with DS plus he has lots of time with Nanny and Grandad too.

I think you have to look at the bigger picture. As they both get older they will have each other and with any luck be great friends. This is a snapshot in time and the baby will be starting to wean before you know it. DS2 is now 6 months and tonight was the first time he wasn't fussed about boob before bed as he'd had dinner and fruit. I'm already feeling a bit lost to be honest. I should be asleep 😁

Chattycat78 Thu 18-Aug-16 02:48:12

I'm hearing this too. Ds1 is 19 months. Ds2 is 10 weeks. Since baby has been born I feel like I've "lost" the relationship I had with my toddler. I can't spend any one on one time with him and he only wants Dh now instead of mesad

I'm also finding it incredibly hard- in basically exhausted all the time. Be glad though that your first child is patient and reasonable. Mine is not- he kicks, bites and hits me when I try to feed the baby, which is compounding the difficulties....

Agree with the others re the "bigger picture"- but saying that- I think it's very hard to see this when you're absolutely exhausted!

Liskee Thu 18-Aug-16 04:28:01

So interested to read this post and the comments as its all resonating with me! 6 week old DS2 and 20 month old DS1 and I'm struggling to justify time spent focusing on either individually because of the effect it seems to have on the other sad Add to that the struggle it is to get to go to the toilet or have a shower and I have fear of being so smelly its socially unacceptable mixed in with the guilt ;) I just keep focusing on the fact that one day DS2 will be big enough and robust enough that he can handle the boisterousness and physicality of DS1 and I will be able to leave them alone together, and DS2 won't always need to feed feed feed this much, and be prepared to miss it! That said I'm trying not to focus too much and enjoy the tinyness as well. A delicate balance!! I think we just need to hang in there...this too shall pass etc etc etc blah blah blah ;)

justonesherryformedicinalpurpo Thu 18-Aug-16 16:18:52

Thanks for all the replies. I'm already feeling more positive and I think being over tired last night didn't help!

Here's to adjusting to life with our newest additions as smoothly as possible!

Not catty at all anna and you are right and I hope your eldest sleeps through soon wine

Scotinoz Thu 18-Aug-16 20:02:21

I felt like this when my second arrived.

I loved DD2 because I was her mum and did all the right things, but still showed favouritism to DD1 (who was 17mths at the time), and it didn't feel felt like i loved her as much. It felt like I was cheating on DD1 when I spend time with DD2 and almost resented DD2 for spoiling our time together.

When DD2 was about a month old, DD1 clobbered her with a toy and I was livid with DD1. Couldn't believe she's hurt my precious baby! I worked out then that I really did love them both the same and it was all fine from then. I just feel horrible now that I didn't love DD2 enough at the start.

What you're saying is totally normal though 😊

MrsDc7 Thu 18-Aug-16 20:06:54

Don't beat yourself up for feeling like that... It's difficult when you've had all of your time and energy to devote to dc1 and suddenly you have another one to try and give the same too. You are also full of hormones and trying to get into some kind of 'norm'. Things will absolutely get easier and it will be hard to remember what it was like only having one! I found it hard to imagine being able to love another child the same way I loved my eldest but now I can't imagine not having my dd2 - you'll get through it and it'll settle down and get easier xx

Sierra259 Thu 18-Aug-16 20:27:09

It does get better! DC1 was 2.10 when I had DC2 and I felt so guilty that I couldn't give her the attention I did before. I really missed her! DC2 is now 8 months and much less dependent on me. I now put DC1 to bed while DH does DC2 and last weekend DC1 and I went out just the 2 of us to but her shoes and have a babychino! Be kind to yourselves in the early days, you'll get that time back with your eldest soon! flowers

MiaowTheCat Fri 19-Aug-16 08:16:01

I have a very very narrow age gap (11 months) and really struggled with DD2 arriving. DD2 was not an easy baby and DD1 hit a really delightful phase just as she was born so I felt I was ditching my lovely almost-toddler for this new thing that just hated the entire world. PND didn't help either though and I remember several times looking at DD1 thinking I'd ruined her life totally.

It faded - you just have to go through the motions essentially for a while until it does - and now DD2 is bloody adorable and I love her to bits (they're 3 and 4 now)

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