Parenting teens and use of the PC. I've done it all, does anyone have an answer, I'm getting so worried now that it's an addiction

[Xmasbaubles]

I am sick of the shouting, bad language and amount of life lost on this gaming lark.
I'm waiting for the miracle cure as I've tried most suggestions. There is a point where I can cut my ds14 from all outside communication but what do i achieve from doing that other than to isolate him and make him resentful of me.

The only people they take notice of are these gaming guru's they watch supping sticky drinks and playing all night. There is zero responsibility on the part of these foul mouthed geeks broadcasting to our kids.

As I type this my nerves are jangling with hearing his gob shouting at fellow gamers which resonates around the house and the neighbours. I'm on edge! Fully expect a knock on the door soon for disturbing the peace. His dad is not understanding (absent) and doesn't understand the dilemma, well you have to live with it to suffer it!!

I have a feeling I will hear the same ideas as before and hope that I'm not alone when I say I've tried most only for DS to overcome and carry on regardless. I can only conclude that it's an addiction that he doesn't want help with. Making me ill, every time I hear the raft of expletives these gamers exchange at the highest decibels, my blood pressure is going crazy.

Here's hoping there is real hope or at the very least real concern 😫

[JackandDiane]

sorry
You are shocked at 14 year old hears swear words?

Lady - move on

[JackandDiane]

'supping sticky drinks'

Alright, Grandma

[Gbean]

He's 14. He swears. If he's playing too much, you limit it.

[CodyKing]

Ear plugs?

He's playing with friends - not different if he sat with a board game

If it's excessive change the wifi password at 9pm or put a limit on it.

Does he do other stuff? Finish homework see friends etc?

[Xmasbaubles]

Supping bottles of fizzy drink daily because it's a gamer thing!! Yes I understand the language he hears, I don't want to hear it loudly in my home and certainly I don't want the neighbours to have to put up with it. There is an 8 year old little girl next door playing in her garden and older retired neighbours too who I would think are not accustom to it.

He doesn't go out with friends. I tried dismantling the lot and locked it away, only for him to break the locks and reset it all up. He becomes aggressive. Passwords, he is too advanced for that and simply threatens to hack and reset.

Anymore bright ideas would be welcome. Sorry if I'm a grandma, but long term health issues on sugar bingeing and all day and well into the evening shouting and staring at a screen in a darkened room is a problem. If you Cant see that it is then wow! We do have a problem

[PenelopePitstops]

Where's he getting the drinks from?

Take the WiFi router out with you or lock it in the car. He's 14 and needs boundaries.

[JinRamen]

Firstly, don't buy the drinks.

Second, earphones for the PC?

[weirdsister]

Does he get his school work done?

[Xmasbaubles]

Penelope, I have done the router thing and it means I'm without free communication and he just reverts to his phone which costs dearly after his allowance.

[PocketWatch]

A lot of teens are like this, I wouldn't worry too much. My teen went through a bit of a phase of being glued to her iPad watching gamers on YouTube, or gaming herself. But I left her to it. The games she played were often quite creative and she was 'socialising' with her friends (albeit not in the usual way but playing games together is something I'd still consider as socialising).
I think sometimes with teens the more we object to something the more appealing it is to them. I was quite nonchalant about it with dd and she soon got bored and moved on to the next phase. It's Pokemon go at the moment which at least means she's up and about.
Our rule is no technology at the table so for mealtimes it's a lol out away/switched off and then o turn the wifi off at 9pm and put it back on at 9am.
As for the swearing, does it really matter? My dd didn't swear herself but I heard lots of them swear through the monitor. I honestly wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Again, it's a phase. He's trying to fit in, be cool and grown up. He'll learn.
Good luck, it's a tough age!

[PenelopePitstops]

Then take his phone too! Leave him with a house phone.

Also make him pay back the money he goes over his allowance by doing chores.

You honestly sound like you've given up. Woman up and take control of the situation! Stop buying drinks, take the router and his phone until he can regulate his behaviour.

[TotalConfucius]

If you really feel that strongly:
Don't buy the fizzy drinks, he'll have to come off the game and go out into the world to buy his own. Problem solved.
Buy yourself a little iPad mini with 3G and don't tell him. If he asks what you're doing when you're mumsnetting, tell him you're reading a downloaded book.
'Break' the Internet and tell him that they can't repair it for a month even though you've threatened them.
Who pays his phone? If you do, ring them and tell them to cut it off. Then tell him there's been a terrible mix-up at the phone company, and you'll get it sorted asa soon as poss but in the meantime here's this old Nokia thing in case he needs to ring you in an emergency.

[Kerberos]

Just out of interest what's he playing? And would you say this is normal all the time or just over the holidays?

[Xmasbaubles]

Total Confucius, may try that plan, just a bit cautious on how much he could run up. I'm on my own you see, no job.

Kerberos, every waking moment, it's counter strike, fall out 4, sky rim, mostly the first two hence all the aggression.

Thanks pocket watch, I've been waiting for him to grow out of this for three years!! Hoping he will get bored sooner but in past experience of his interests he takes it to the enth degree. Knowing my luck he will move on and then go get the real thing, a gun next! 😩 Fed up tbh. As I think I've been uber patient and my family tell me he is pushing it too far, so I know it's not just me. When your lad is taller and stronger and no longer listens and you have no back up, I don't want to be physically removed from his room and told to get out as loud as he can. So when when a comment to woman up is said its said in the ignorance that I have tried all efforts to ignore, curfews and all inbetween.

All you Mums with younger kids who think you will control it, you really won't. You remove it from your home and they move into another's to play. I really think it's a serious issue and hang on to the hope that he 'grows out of it' will actually happen 😫

[CodyKing]

Game addiction is in the increase

You could stop doing stuff for him - clothes lunch tea etc and he has to stop and have a break

It will be affecting his mind and his education

Can you get out every day?

The fact that he's bigger and stronger does not take away from you as a patent - see if you can get a doctors appointment for him

[Kerberos]

How is he at school?

[PenelopePitstops]

Obviously nothing you have done so fat has worked, so you need to change tactics. Coming on here moaning is unproductive if you won't listen. It sounds like your son has few boundaries and that is your fault. If your family is commenting then things must be bad.

Is it so bad if he goes to someone else's house to play? At least that's more social.

Like a pp said, you are the parent and it is your job to limit him as he obviously can't do this himself. Do you have family who could "babysit" whilst you are working? With the caveat that he goes to their house?

You've been waiting for 3 years, jeeeez you are one patient woman. Sort your kid out.

[Xmasbaubles]

Hi wasn't really moaning but wondering if anyone had anything I hadn't tried. Anyway as usual on here it becomes judgmental and unproductive when it starts being about me and not the original post. I am very happy that you are in full control of your children. Toodle oo

[PenelopePitstops]

Sod off with your passive aggressive bullshit.

You posted about your ds and I have given advice on things that will work if you stick to them consistently. I'd be bloody concerned if this was my child.

[Xmasbaubles]

Yes I am concerned Pen and I have tried. So when all hasn't worked what then? The whole point in the op. So now I know I'm a crap mother but no further forward with my problem. So there isn't an answer. I wish you well in parenting and hope you don't have the same distractions because they are easy to handle when they are young but not so easy later. You may remember this post one day.

[PocketWatch]

Aww xmas I really feel for you.
What is he like in general? Could it be his hormones kicking in? A lot of parents see a massive change in behaviour from their teens but they generally come out okay the other side (around age 17, so you've got another few years sorry!). Or do you think it's something else, a bigger issue? Do you think part of this is about rebelling? Have you tried ignoring it, do you think he's doing it for a reaction? A lot of teens do rebel for attention and the more attention you pay them (even if it's negative attention) the more they play up. As I said in my other post o have always been quite nonchalant about my dd's screen time and it's turned out okay and the other parent I know (whose son was playing games like the ones your son was playing and swearing/shouting etc) also was very laid back about it and their son grew out of it too.

I'm no expert however and that's just my experience. And I really feel for you, being physically pushed out by him. Must be frightening.

[GipsyDanger]

seriously, a real gun? major to that.
I've been a gamer all my days and - shock horror - I haven't killed anyone.

He's 14, watch for the age ratings on games and buy accordingly. Get him a gamer headset for the noise. You know, parent your child. Blaming the video games isn't an excuse. sorry for being harsh but it boils my blood that lazy parenting is blamed on video games - which said lazy parents bought. To quote Bender, "have you ever tried turning off the tv, sitting down with your children. And beating them?"

[PocketWatch]

Is it the fact that he's gaming that bothers you or the fact that he's holed up in his room? What if he was holed up in his room drawing or reading?
I can understand you objecting to the swearing (although what 14 year old doesn't swear?), but maybe give him a break when it comes to objecting to the gaming. Have you tried switching it off at a certain time? Disconnect the router and hide it? I always found with my dd that getting involved with her gaming helped, so if there was a youtuber she was watching I'd have a look at them too, I knew all their names and what they did. Some of them did swear terribly and heir behaviour was pretty stupid too, but like I said in my other posts, I was laid back about it and dd soon got bored. She still games but not to the extent she used to.
I know most of the posters will disagree with my stance on this because most people seem to be saying to get tough with your ds, but I think the opposite. Be laid back, nonchalant, whilst showing a mild interest in what he's doing (but don't object to it). See how it pans out. You've tried coming down hard and it didn't work. At the same time you do need to create boundaries though - mine are, the wifi goes off at 9 (usually later in the school hols) and no devices at mealtimes.

Maybe I'm being too soft but I used to play video games a lot on my teens, as did my Dh, and we turned out okay! Granted, there wasn't YouTube and such a big online community then, but still, I used to game into the early hours/go round to friends houses etc. I don't think your ds is doing anything too unusual/awful (apart from trying to physically remove you from his room which is obviously a concern).

If you want my advice though I would honestly try taking a step back. And don't worry about your family members getting involved and telling you what to do. He's your son, you need to take the lead on what YOU think is the right way.
Good luck

[pointythings]

He does sound addicted, and I say this as the mother of two teenage DDs who love their internet - but they are not into gaming, they watch YouTube videos and chat with friends a lot. However, they abide by the no devices in bedrooms rule, socialise normally with us, still enjoy reading and outings and so on. Your DS sounds as if he has bigger problems and you are right to worry - you don't deserve all this flak you're getting.

I'm sorry I have no easy answers to you, but I would suggest changing his mobile phone to a capped contract - my DDs can't go more than £2.50 over their combined data/calls/text allowance. Something like that combined with a low data allowance might help.

[weirdsister]

''You posted about your ds and I have given advice on things that will work if you stick to them consistently.''
Penelope how can you know this? You haven't met the op's ds presumably.

OP - you could try turning down the speed of the router. It makes playing anything online very frustrating.
My ds went through this phase at a similar age so for you op.