"Shut Up"

[SpeckledFrog2014]

How do people honestly feel about parents telling their kids to "shut up"?

I have relatives that tell their kids to shut up, they're ages 20 months to eight and was at a playgroup today and a parent was telling their almost two year to shut up. My husband once told our dd at almost 14 months to shut up as she was fussing at breakfast in the pub and I called him up there and then, a few people probably heard as it was busy and I did do it in front of my daughter. I made it absolutely clear he was never to speak to her like that again, so you can see how I feel towards those words, but are they honestly not that bad? Is it the norm and I've just crazily sensitive to it?

I know we all lose our rag sometimes and say things we don't mean and if you're in the middle of it all it can be hard to think straight. However it seems like a perfectly reasonable command amongst parents now, maybe my connotations to the words are outdated (I do remember clearly a teacher calling up some girls about the use of shut up and saying it was disrespectful when I was younger so that's maybe we're it's come from).

[bonzo77]

I think like with much else in life it depends on tone and context. But there are better ways of getting a child to be quiet. Like finding out why they are upset and dealing with that. Or asking them to wait till later.

[NedStarksHead]

I use it jokingly, if DD is whinging or being bratty I'll say "och shut up will you!", though recently I've found myself saying "shush" as she gets older. I don't like the thought of her telling other kids/people to shut up as she obviously can't convey it jokingly like I do, so I opt for shush.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I absolutely hate it, vile phrase, wouldn't use it towards an adult or child. Can see it's ok in a silly time or whatever though.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Silly tone

[littleoctonauts]

I don't tell my children to shut up and I feel the same way as you OP. But also I would never tell anyone to shut up, I just think there's nicer ways to talk to ppl even when they're winding you up.

[SpeckledFrog2014]

It hasn't been jokingly in any of the cases I have heard unfortunately. I always try and opt for the root cause of grizzling too, but I'm not a very experienced parent! I only have the one at the moment and my younger brother who is 20 months younger than me is the youngest in my side of the family. The relatives I mentioned are in laws that we see once a month.

[Flacidunicorn]

My husband once told our dd at almost 14 months to shut up as she was fussing at breakfast in the pub and I called him up there and then, a few people probably heard as it was busy and I did do it in front of my daughter

Id say this was worse than telling a child to shut up.
You pulled your OH up in front of your DD, totally undermining his parenting and demanding he obey how you want your daughter raised. Are you his boss? His mum? You know that shes his daughter too, not just yours? If you had issue with how he spoke to her, fine, talk away from the child. If hed took issue with how you speak to her and gave you a telling off how would you like it? Youd likely tell him to shut up and be saying something along the lines of "Who do you thin you are?"

[ElspethFlashman]

I think it's a pretty bad thing to say to anyone tbh.

I can't think of a single person who I would say that to. Not even an annoying sibling - not now I'm an adult.

I think there are certain phrases that should be left behind once you grow up.

But then I cringe just hearing couples saying that to each other let alone saying it to a child. It always sounds awful.

[AndroidAddict]

I'm not a fan of the phrase but there are far worse things I hear people saying to our calling their children.
I agree with unicorn though re. pulling your dh up in front of your (as in, both of your) child. Continue down that road and you'll have far bigger issues than the phrase 'shut up'.

[AndroidAddict]

*or

[SpeckledFrog2014]

Sorry Flacid I will defend my daughter from whoever it is. I let his constant nagging of her slip even though that irritates me no end (and I have asked him not to), but this case was bang out of order, it'd be the same as him slapping her for knocking something on the floor in my eyes.

To put the event in more context we'd spent a couple of days with the relatives I mentioned and had been speaking about the phrase whilst dd was asleep at our hotel room and how it wasn't on. If he hadn't agreed with my feelings why didn't he say then instead of giving his own opinion it was bad then going on to do it? he did apologise to our dd and said he was just flustered because she was crying. This isn't one sided either, he's called me up for being impatient and raising my voice in the past and i couldn't say anything back to it as I was being unreasonable to a baby, I'm not that hot headed my judgement is completely clouded when behaving unacceptably. I don't want my children to feel that they are bullied with no one to defend them just to keep the peace either, but as I said I'm inexperienced with parenting, maybe this is ok?

[LowSugar]

Totally agree with you OP. Horrible bullying dismissive way to speak to a child. I'd be disgusted if I heard parents saying that.

[hownottofuckup]

I never had done as I think it's a horrible way to talk to anyone. But I did tell one of them to shut up just the other week. They were making a ridiculous level of tantrum noise, i walked in and said 'DC shut up' they were so surprised they did, and then I dealt with whatever it was.
So as par for the course, no. But on that occasion yes, and it worked.

[Dutchcourage]

I tried really hard not to say it to my dds (both older than your dd) but on the odd occasion when I'm at the end of my tether it's slipped out. The min it's left my mouth I feel bad as it doesn't work anyway.

BUT nobodies perfect and there are worse things that could be said. I wouldn't judge a parent that was harassed and said this.

[UmbongoUnchained]

I say it all the time. It's a very light phrase down here though, maybe it comes across as different in different places.

[Bottomchops]

I've said it when I've lost the plot with them. It's awful. I tell them not to say it to each other. I go for " please be quiet" this week they were lucky not to get shut the fuck up

[RebelRogue]

"X stop that please"
"X that's enough!"
"X shut up!"
"Muuummyyyy that is rude! Bad word" whatever she was whinging about quickly forgotten

[scallopsrgreat]

Agree with you OP. And pulling up your DH for saying it (even in front of your DD) is not worse .

[RiverTam]

I absolutely hate it and I will not say it to DD. It is rude, disrespectful and aggressive. If someone said it to DD I would pull them up on it immediately. Defending her from rudeness and aggression is more important and worrying about undermining someone, especially if it's an adult versus a child, the adult can sort themselves out.

Obviously, said in jest is very different. But I have heard it said too many times not in jest and it's horrible to witness.

[scallopsrgreat]

Can I also say that I can understand how people say it at their end of their tether! And how NedStark said it seems jesty and OK to me but I doubt I could pull it off