Is anyone's else DP/DH to harsh on their child?

(7 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Tue 21-Jun-16 09:02:57

Does anyone ever feel like their DH/DP expects too much from your child in terms of their behaviour in relation to their age?

My DS has not longed turned two and is displaying the usual "terrible two" traits, argumentative, whining, changing their mind all the time, tantrums if they don't get their own way etc and I respond to it in a manner that I believe is appropriate including any of the following: staying calm, ignoring, explaining why their behaviour isn't acceptable, using a time out session if necessary and other various methods.

My DH on the other hand has very little patience with DS and on occasion can snaps at him, raise his voice, lose his cool etc and I'm finding it uncomfortable.

My DH seems to think DS has the should have the same emotional and behavioural understanding of a 5 year old and so talks/shouts at him as if that were the case. DH expects DS to understand his logic and "telling offs" which is insane in my eyes. How can DH really think that he can l reason with a two year old and expect DS to comprehend a full on discussion about wrong and right?

DH is constantly huffing, tutting and rolling his eyes when DS does something that in my eyes is completely normal behaviour.

It's starting to get me down actually.

SleepyRoo Tue 21-Jun-16 09:09:58

Try to talk to your DP in a separate situation about raising your son ie not in the heat of the moment. Explain how you've done some research and reading and you think that your DS would respond/learn from an age-appropriate approach. Outline exactly what that is. Get your DH to feel like you are both collaborating in parenthood, not that yours is the "right" way and his is "wrong". Explain that you both need to raise your DS in a consistent way, that you're both learning as parents. It might work. If your DP has anger issues though, that's a different matter and appealing to his sense of reason won't work...

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant Tue 21-Jun-16 09:12:05

Yes my stbxh was like this. He has caused untold damage to our dd. He also expected her to understand at 2/3yrs his lectures of why she was in the wrong. It was low level bullying. I thought it was me who was overreacting but when I broke down to my best friend she said she had noticed it too. Then my dad who is an arse agreed with me and said he treats her horrribly. Makes me shudder now that I let him get away with it for so long.

Lighteningirll Tue 21-Jun-16 09:12:58

This is why I left my dc father

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant Tue 21-Jun-16 09:16:26

Oh and we went to marriage counselling. I gave some examples of how stbxh behaved eg he was sarcastic with her, passive aggressive - at 2! The counsellor told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was awful byt my stbxh hates females and didn't treat my ds - his dss - like this

minipie Tue 21-Jun-16 12:16:42

Not quite like you describe but yes.

DH has very little patience and as soon as DD does something "wrong" eg won't get dressed, he immediately gets cross and sometimes shouts at her or sometimes just stomps off and refuses to deal with her any more. He won't use the tactics that work for me like counting to 3, I don't know why. This of course leads to DD being upset and me having to step in and sort things out. I am not the most patient person myself but I have had to learn, whereas DH doesn't seem to recognise that he needs to learn to be patient, rather he seems to be waiting for the DDs to grow up so they are more compliant. I am worried though that he will always expect too much for their age, even when they are older. He also says horrible things about them (not to their face) like if they wake up in the night it's always "fucking child" whereas I might say "oh fucking hell not again" but I wouldn't say (or think) "fucking child". I really hate this.

Then when they are sleeping well and behaving nicely he is all over them and saying how adorable they are and how much he loves them. But then if DD does one annoying or naughty thing he is back to deciding she is a nightmare - the reality is she was a nightmare for several months at about 2.5 (overtired, new sibling, difficult age!) but these days (age 3.5) she is actually lovely and easy most of the time. But as you say, he is expecting age 5 level of behaviour. Next year he'll probably expect age 6. DD2 is only 15 months so doesn't get the same level of expectations yet, but when she is ill and grumpy and not sleeping he again doesn't have patience and just seems to feel sorry for himself rather than for her iyswim.

We had a holiday recently and every time something didn't work out he was going on about how awful it was and how we should have stayed home, in reality yes a few things went wrong and the sleep was bad but actually the holiday was really nice overall - or it was when he wasn't behaving like a sulky toddler.

It's really getting me down and it's driving a massive wedge between us as I'm constantly upset about his attitude. I don't want or intend to LTB but would be grateful for any other advice.

The only advice I can offer myself is to keep pointing out how normal your DCs behaviour is, eg point out kids in the park having a strop, see if you can start conversations with friends about DC behaviour. DH seems to be much better with DD if he can remember that it is totally normal behaviour.

The other suggestion is to record him and play it back to him. Then ask him what he would think if he saw someone else behaving like that to their 2 year old. I have considered doing this with DH, however never tried it.

Thanks for starting this thread, it has helped me to vent here.

FunkyColdOedema Wed 22-Jun-16 16:50:27

My STBXH was like this too, has only been better towards DC since we split up. Like pleaseholdyourcallisimportant , I let it go for far too long. Even others who are quite strict parents commented that he was way too bloody harsh.

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