6 year old addicted to his dummy!

[Throughthewardrobe664]

Hello, I have a 6 year old boy who is still very dependent on his dummy. This is a huge mess up on our part, and I really want to get rid of it. I have tried before but unfortunately my view isn't shared by my mother in law. Now I must say that I am very grateful to my mother in law for all she does, and I am glad that she give so much to help me with the kids. But she is has a very strong option that we should let him have the dummy. We have tried to take it away in the past but she bought new dummies for him. She lets him have the dummy all the time, and he even is allowed to go to the shops with it, or on days out.

The dentist has been saying, for some time, that we need to get rid of the dummy because it is damaging his teeth. I have told my mother in law this, but she doesn't care and still gives him a dummy.

Until recently we have restricted the dummy to at home, but since he has been allowed it at his nans now he wants it constantly. And if he doesn't get a dummy, he steals one form his 8 month old brother.

Can anyone offer advice on how to get rid of the dummy?

[luckiestgirl]

Does your MIL look after DS while you work? Or is he just visiting?

[Heratnumber7]

Simples. Don't give a dummy to the 8 month old either.

[Littlefish]

Tell your MIL that unless she supports your stance on the dummy, she will not be able to see him unsupervised. Make sure your DH is the one who both tells her and enforces this.

Take th dummy away from the baby too.

[Throughthewardrobe664]

Unfortunately because I work part time, and dh works full time we can't supervise mil all the time she has with him. Ideally, I would like the baby to still have the dummy because it is very useful for settling him.

[Littlefish]

How often and for how long is he with her?

[Casmama]

How about saying to your MIL that you are worried about your 6 year old being bullied? I would imagine she wants to make him happy so the thought if him being unhappy may be effective.

[Throughthewardrobe664]

It really varies the amount of time he is at her house, as it depends on my shifts. It is normally 2-3 days a week, but it can be 4, on a school day it is for 2-4 hours, but if it is on a Saturday it can be 6 or 7.

I might try to mention the bullying thing but I am not convinced that it will have an effect on her. Some of his friends at school already know, and she knows that he isn't picked on about it.

[starry0ne]

I would get DH to talk to her.. Tell him to tell her it is completley unacceptable.

I do also think maybe look at getting rid of dummy for 8 month old too.. I do know dummies are great for settling babies but he will give it up quickly at this age and you don't want to be in same position. At some point they have to learn to settle without a dummy in their mouth.

Lots of praise ( even though it will go over 8 month olds head) for not having a dummy.

[Littlefish]

Has your dh spoken to her about this?

[Believeitornot]

Get your dh to talk to his mother.
Failing that I would actually threaten to look for paid childcare.

[Littlefish]

I agree with Believeitornot.

Either she follows your instructions, or you find paid childcare.

Has the dummy already affected your ds's speech? You say that it has already affected his teeth and mouth. I really am not trying to make you feel bad, but your MIL seems to be completely ignoring the serious effects of the overuse of a dummy.

[Throughthewardrobe664]

I have talked to her about this a lot, but dh hasn't done it so much. Admittedly he isn't completely decided that we should get rid of it, and he doesn't really mind if he ds has it or not.

I really don't want to go down the route of paid child care, as mil is cheaper and is available at very short notice. But if that is the only option then I would consider it.

Ds has slightly delayed speech and a minor lisp. I have pointed this out to mil, but she says that it will sort itself out, she has the same option on teeth.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Can you show your MIL (and your DH) photos of children with dental problems after prolonged use of a dummy. I am sure there will be some on the Internet.

[Writerwannabe83]

I am gobsmacked at this.

You absolutely have to find paid childcare. It's great that MIL is cheap but is it worth damaging your child's teeth for and causing speech delays and impediments?

There's no way I would be sending my child anywhere to be looked after someone who deliberately went against my wishes and was causing problems with my child's development.

She sounds awful.

[BertieBotts]

At six, I wonder if you could bribe him to give it up with the promise of some much wanted toy. That means no taking it from the baby and no accepting it from Grandma even if she offers, for a set number of days/weeks. (Not sure how you would check though unless he's terrible at lying?!)

[Mamabear12]

Temporarily restrict him seeing his nan. I'm sorry, but if she is not listening to your concerns about the dummy you have to. And you prob have to stop you baby from using. Or just make sure u have only two dummy's and keep baby w u at all times and at night so U know ur son won't steal his dummy and extra dummy keep w u at all times. But really u prob best to get rid of for baby. Hard for three days w baby and he will forget. The older one it prob take a week. Just tell him stories about the sick monkeys who need dummies. Say dummy fairy will give dummies to sick monkeys to make them happy and better and give him gifts. I did this for my two year old and printed off photos from online to help tell my story and explain (just googled different photos) and it worked a charm. No tears for dummy. He understood and accepted. Only asked once a day during his old nap time (we also dropped napped same time) and I would tell him story again and show photos so he understood. He accepted and I'm happy we did it now! I delayed bc I felt bad, when in reality it's prob harder on parents! But now that your boy is six, he prob has deeper attatchment. Do him a favour and get rid of it NOW

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

You need to pay someone professional to look after your son. A 6 year old having a dummy is completely unacceptable and your husband and mother in law are being dreadful by promoting it.

[NapQueen]

Can your dh swap to weekdays only? Then if you work weekends he is with the kids. Meaning she only has to have the kids A couple of hours weekdays at most?

Kids learn very quickly what is allowed with one adult and not another so I would go hard line with no dummy aside from bedtime at your house, tackling the bedtime bit in a month or two once the daytime rule has become the norm.

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

The health implications of this are of massive consequence to your son and I am afraid you are just facilitating this because you are taking the easy path with childcare. If you really want to get rid of the dummy you know what needs to be done. I am sorry to be harsh but you have to take charge here.

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

OP, I've just managed to get rid is ds dummy on his 4th birthday. He was very attached and, like your ds, old enough to argue, hide the dummy etc. It was much much easier than I anticipated. It just went, no gradually weaning off, no deals, no rewards - just a simple 'dummy's gone now you're a big boy'

At 6 your ds will be even more attached than my ds was, particularly if he has it when out and about. Cold turkey is the only way I think, he'll be over it in a few days. You need to do it when he won't see mil for a while so by the time he does see her it won't be the first thing in his mind. But, she needs to be on side. If she won't be you need to find alternative childcare (I do know it's not that easy -me and DP both work weekends and bank holidays and use a combination of nursery and two different childminders)

[Throughthewardrobe664]

I will try to change my shifts temporarily to get this sorted, and I will get paid child care for the days I work. I didn't really want to get rid of the baby's dummy just yet, but I suppose that is really the only way to do it.

Should I go cold turkey or should I restrict it to bedtime first?

[NapQueen]

I don't see why you should have to take the dummy away from the baby too. Presumably at six (SEN aside), he should understand that soem things are for babies and some things are for big boys.

The baby most likely still naps, uses bottles and wears nappies. All things that most 6yos no longer have or need. He should be doing things which the baby can't, or going places the baby can't because he is a bigger boy. The dummy is for babies. He isn't a baby.

[NeedACleverNN]

We did gradual retreat with Dd (3)

When we went cold turkey she really struggled and we ended up giving it back after two weeks. She was constantly in tears, fretful and just really insecure.

With the gradual retreat we removed it in the day time and let her have for bed time. We did that for a few weeks and then took it away completely. She has asked for it maybe twice but that's it. I think it helps ds has never took one (he doesn't like them)

Your MIL is completely out of order. Put your foot down. Make your dh do it too.

[Mamabear12]

Go cold turkey. Going slow drags on process and makes it way harder. And the reason for having to stop baby as well is bc the older child will have better success of kicking his habit. Just bc u tell a six year old something is for babies doesn't mean they will listen! Any lost dummy from the baby will prob end up w six year old and six year old can easily hide dummy in room and use during night etc. So do really good look around and get rid of all dummies