New baby and toddler

[gubbinsy]

Have a 2.5 year old and a 3 week old and struggling with the guilt.
2.5 year old doing really well but sometimes just looks so sad - I know he's struggling as I can't often do bedtime with him now as DS2 is cluster feeding at that time and just screams if I leave him with DH which then makes me feel awful too (DS1 still needs is to stay while he falls asleep so takes a while).
Trying to give him as much one on one time as I can and also leaving DS2 to cry a bit sometimes so DS1 knows I can put him first a bit but so hard when DS2 is screaming for feed! Best way seems to be with DS2 in sling as he'll sleep and I can play but he's still then attached to me which is where DS1 wants to be.
Sure this will pass but can't help feeling like DS1 is feeling pushed out all the time - he's back at childminder 3 days a week and is much happier to go than he ever has been which I should be pleased about but feel like it's because he's not happy at home now. He's also called me by childminders name a couple of times.
Sorry for essay - not sure what I'm asking but is this normal and will he/I adjust without him becoming emotionally damaged? I am rubbish at leaving babies to cry for any length of time really!

[Mamameatballof2]

Hi,

Congratulations on your new arrival. I have 2.5 you and a 14 week old. We were in a similar situation re bedtime and it has settled down, ds2 has stopped cluster feeding right over ds1 bed time most nights, and will settled with dh.

I know it sucks abit now but hopefully it will pass soon.

You will get your time back with your eldest as the little one grows. It sounds like you are doing great xxx

[Mamameatballof2]

Ps I worry about not getting balance between the two children as well. Fingers crossed we all do our best and it works out xx

[gubbinsy]

Thanks. Congratulations to you too - good to know it's not just me!

[JuxtapositionRecords]

It's so hard at first! I have awful memories of when my DC2 came along - so much guilt towards my DC1! Everything seemed to change, it was so hard.

It will get easier and quickly. Time goes so fast when you have 2. Soon baby will be more responsive to you both and your DS will be able to have a bit of fun with him.

In the meantime, I used to do silly things like if I was helping DC1 with something and the baby was fussing, I would say "hold on DC2, I'm with DC1 at that the moment so you need to wait". Obviously the baby had no idea but the older one didn't know that and it made her feel a bit more up the priority scale. We got out of the house a lot, park etc. Also had people round a lot who could hold the baby or play with DC1 - is there anyone you could have round to help? Also (I'm ashamed to admit), far more TV for the oldest than I ever imagined which she loved as previously I had been a TV control freak.

It will get easier I promise. Remember you still have a lot of hormones flooding your system as well which won't be helping. I remember sneaking into DC1 room when she was asleep and cuddling her and crying as I felt like I was letting her down so badly and that we had lost our special closeness.

[EvansAndThePrince]

I'm due my second in Jan when DD will be almost 2 and this has me worrying so much every day. I still bf her at the moment so I want to keep that up (but down to 1 feed a day) so that she can come and lath on for closeness while I'm stuck cluster feeding. I'm so worried about exactly what you have said though

[Bertieboo1]

I have a 2.5 and a 7 month old DS. The guilt was horrendous at first. The big difference has come with baby napping upstairs and stopping bfeeding the baby in the day at 6 months. I can now spend lots of quality time with the eldest and even take him out on his own at weekends. The first couple of months were v hard but it will get loads better

[thescruffiestgiantintown]

I wrote a very similar post a few weeks ago so I'm sending you a big hug because it is hard, hard, hard.

We are now a little further in and, I promise, it has got so much better. DD (my oldest) is starting to see DS as a playmate - she loves it when he bats at toys she holds for him and she loves 'sailing' the bath toys on his tummy. At bedtime, DH does most of it and then I go in for the falling asleep part - luckily DS is quite happy to go an hour or so without a feed in the evening at the moment (he definitely wasn't at 3 weeks). He likes being on the floor having a kick now so he's not constantly in the sling and therefore DD and I can have proper cuddles in the daytime too.

And then there's me/you - at 3 weeks post partum, everything is so raw and hormonal and that really contributes to the guilt, I think. By 2 months it all feels so very different. Really honestly. I couldn't imagine it then.

Re the CM. DD hasn't ever been in childcare but she is all about Daddy now, wants to be with him instead of me whenever possible (except for falling asleep!) I found that so tough at first. But now I am just grateful that there's an adult who still feels all hers, if that makes sense?!

Going to post a couple of links for you.

[thescruffiestgiantintown]

sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/05/02/two-under-two-no-problem-the-real-difficulties-of-welcoming-a-second-child/

[gubbinsy]

Thank you all - so good to know it's not just me. scruffiestgiant (one of DS1's favourite books !) that link has made me bawl but it is excellent !
All given me hope it will improve as well. Probably all seem better with a little more sleep too (glares at DS2 attached to boob)

[thescruffiestgiantintown]

One of DD's favourites too

Also for some reason my phone won't let me C&P but if you search in Mumsnet "tell me your loveliest sibling stories" you'll hopefully find a thread I started which is a very heartwarming read.

[EvansAndThePrince]

That article has made me feel even worse

[CityDweller]

Oh god, I found a toddler and a newborn so hard. And felt shit about it because everyone on here seemed to be saying that being pregnant and having a toddler was harder than toddler + newborn. DD was 2.5 when DS came along and we moved house when baby was 2 weeks old. Total madness and probably the hardest time in my life.

I felt completely unable to focus on toddler if the baby needed me. None of that 'read books with your toddler while you bf baby' stuff worked as DS was a wriggly feeder and DD used to just interfere with him (patting him, stroking him, sticking fingers in his ears - all in a loving way, but distracting nonetheless). I found getting out the house with both of them almost impossible as the baby would always need a feed/nap/change at awkward times and DD was/is not very independent, so would need a lot of attention and interaction from me if, for e.g., we were at a toddler group.

And we found it this hard even though DH works from home, so was around a lot. How we coped was getting more childcare hours for DD, essentially. And just accepting that for a while DH would be DD's primary carer at home (e.g. getting her up in morning/ doing bedtimes) while I looked after the baby.

Anyway, slowly slowly it got easier and now that DS is in a decent routine and taking long naps without much assistance (he's 7 mo now) it's a bazillion times easier. I'm able to leave the baby for periods of time to go off and do things with DD, so we're 'reconnecting' and the baby is better able to come 'along for the ride' when we're doing things with/for DD. And the wonderful upside is that DS and DD fricking adore each other in a major way. He's the first thing she asks about when she wakes up every morning and he lights up whenever she's around.

So no, I don't think anyone's been permanently scarred by the first few rough months. Hang in there. It will get easier. I promise.

[gubbinsy]

Thank you! The feeding bit sounds especially familiar - he likes to try and lie on his brother whilst I feed him
First full completely solo day tomorrow - imagine there will be tears from all!

[daisydalrymple]

Ds1 just turned 2 when dd was born. I too found it overwhelming, the constant feeding, juggling bedtimes etc. My midwife said to me 'daisy, ds1 will never remember a time when dd wasn't here' and now at 9 and 7 it's so true. I still went through the whole guilt / overwhelming stuff when ds2 was born 19 months ago though! - although at 5 and 7 at the time, they understood it all (and appreciated everything I did for them as babies ).

One thing I did find useful in the day was always having a box of stuff for ds1 next to the sofa, so we could easily grab stuff from it, and I would change stuff each evening (sticker, colouring and story books). I also listed simple activities we could do if the weather was good outside, and a list of toys indoors so if I had a magic 30 mins when dd napped I found look at the list and eg get the Bob tent out, instead of playing wit the wooden trains again etc.

Oh and I also got ds1 a doll for his birthday, so he wound walk up and down the living room with me, both winding our babas over the shoulder.

[daisydalrymple]

Ps and it can help to prepare packed lunch in fridge the night before in the early days c

[Mikethenight2good]

Ditto! 2.5 and 3 week old here. Recovering post c section too so poor firstborn has really seen a decline in mummy and PFB time.
Knackered too & crazy hormonal too!
I am bricking it taking both of them out on my own!!

[gubbinsy]

It is tough and must be really hard with c section recovery! We are having good and bad days like anyone with a newborn I guess! DS2 is really fussy at the moment which is making life tricky