Can I please have some advice on bullying issue?

[craptastic]

I'm so fed up of this situation and need advice on what to do to help my 8 yr old daughter.

Daughter and ex friend (will call her A) were very close a year ago, and I was good friends with A's mum. A has always been very insecure in her friendships (A's mum has spoken to me about this) and clung to my daughter, and got into arguments with anyone that got in the way of their friendship. Daughter has always had a good group of friends so found it being difficult stuck in the middle, particularly with another friend B.

Skip to September, girl B is now A's 'best friend' and A cannot stand my daughter playing with B. Daughter and B get on very well and have been friends for years. It started as petty school girl stuff and I did my best to encourage my daughter to ignore, play with other friends etc.

First parents evening of the year, teacher tells me she has separated the girls in the classroom as A was telling daughter how rubbish her work is and teacher had noticed that daughter had lost all confidence in her learning ability. I didn't know any of this, daughter is quite a shy, private little girl, though I encourage her to talk to me or teachers.

A month or two later, daughter was coming home from school crying at least a couple of days every week due to A constantly picking at her; petty stuff, but I had a word with teacher to keep an eye on situation. A's mum works as a TA and lunchtime supervisor, and reassured me it was just normal, petty school girl stuff. It still continued and I told my daughter she had to stay away, even if it meant not playing with B. School said they would keep them separated as much as they could. A's mum was being quite cold with me at this point. I politely addressed the issue with her, and said I thought it was best that the girls avoided each other because the constant fall outs were getting too much for my daughter. A's mum, my friend of 6/7 years has not spoken nor looked at me since.

A few weeks ago daughter came home in a mess every single day, sobbing for hours, not sleeping or eating properly, all due to relentless bullying (I don't know if thats the right word really). For example, every time my daughter walks past her, A will put her arms out so she can't walk past, the filthy looks she gives which I have witnessed, constantly telling her that B is her best friend and to leave them alone, telling my daughter she is horrible for always trying to take her friend away.
A has said that her mum thinks my daughter is the bully.

I had a more formal meeting with teacher and the head. Both said that they had no concerns about my daughter being the problem, and gave my daughter some strategies to cope, and were very helpful. They boosted my daughters confidence, and assured me they were going to talk to A and parents.

It's been a couple of weeks and nothing has changed. I think the school are pussy footing around the situation because A mum works in the school, and I do not think the situation has been addressed with A or parents at all. Apparently there was a whole school assembly on friendship.

I dont know where to go from here. My daughter cried herself to sleep last night again. She is so frustrated and an emotional wreck at home. She tries to avoid A but A will follow her around making snide little comments, constantly trying to wind her up. Some of the things she has said sound quite grown up and I have a feeling some of it has come from her mothers mouth. This is ruining my daughters whole experience of school, her work has gone downhill and to be honest she is hard work at home at the moment too.

Any advice? I go from thinking perhaps I'm over thinking/over reacting, to that I'm not doing enough to sort this situation out!

[Lou9685]

Can't offer any advice as my 6 yo is having a bit of an issue as well, but just to say I feel for you, it's soul destroying to see them upset

[craptastic]

Thanks Lou, it's definitely soul destroying. She cried in school yesterday as A seems to have turned B away from her too now, B didn't want anything to do with her yesterday. She cried again at home.

Her teacher told me she was going to talk to A again today. Thing is, this is supposedly the 5th/6th chat she's had with her and it's clearly not working. If it was my daughter doing this to another child I would want her suitably punished at school as well as home. I think A thinks she can continue to get away with it as her mum works in the school.

[mistlethrush]

Does the school have a bullying policy - if so, what are they not following?

You do need to make them take more positive action in order to stop this happening.

[craptastic]

Well they say they are following protocol, I just have a feeling due to the mum working at the school (she's very good at her job and well respected among staff) they are mentioning it over a cup of tea in the staff room rather than have a formal discussion about what can be done. Knowing the mum very well, I'm guessing she's down playing everything or painting my child in a bad light. Of course I have no proof of this, I'm just assuming this is why the situation is not getting better, and experiences of friends in the past make me feel that the school are not great at dealing with these situations.

I really like her teacher, she's great and definitely has a soft spot for my daughter, so I don't want to cause an atmosphere, but I need to say more don't I?

[mistlethrush]

Yes you do. You can say that you realise that it puts her in a bit of a problematical situation, but that you, as a parent, have to do what's right for your daughter. You need to see the rules and find out what they're doing about it all - and an informal chat is not good enough.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Email the school specifically asking for a copy of their bullying procedure.

It might put the cat amongst the pigeons!