Am I being clingy with PFB or was FIL out of order?

(26 Posts)
LunaDott Tue 17-May-16 09:25:12

My DC is now 6 months old. Both sets of Grandparents live quite far away. To begin they came to us quite regularly and obviously are very excited and happy to have a Grandchild. When babies are tiny they’re happy to be passed around to anyone, and FIL was able to make her laugh a few times. He loves her very much and it’s clear he feels he has a special bond with her.

On Sunday we arranged to meet them half way at a pub for Sunday lunch, as PIL have not seen her for a few months. Now I have issues with taking a baby for a meal anyway as she’s too small for highchairs (we have one at home but the pub one was way too big for her) so she has to be held throughout the whole meal by someone.

So FIL was holding her, and she begins to cry. It’s clear to me that she isn’t happy being held by him as she has forgotten who he is. I ask my OH to please take her from him to stop her from crying in the restaurant. I stupidly said ‘she can cry as much as she likes outside but not in here’. To which FIL exclaims that he’s finished his meal and will take her outside! I’m obviously very uncomfortable with this as she’s clearly not happy with him. I get up to go out with them, my partner, his Dad and Mum all tell me it’s fine, to calm down and finish my lunch.

I sit down and try to finish my lunch feeling utterly powerless. Meanwhile I know my poor baby is screaming her head off outside. She does not cry usually, she’s so calm. I keep pleading with my partner to please go and check they’re OK, and eventually after about 10mins he does, and takes the baby from FIL. FIL comes back and states that ‘she has a good set of lungs on her’, so I know she’s been seriously upset.

Partner calms her somewhat, but I have to take her to the car to feed her feeling pretty distraught myself and not really wanting to return to the restaurant.

I cannot stop replaying the moment he takes her out of the pub. I feel like I failed her and I should’ve gone out with them regardless of how ridiculous it seemed. My insides hurt thinking she was so upset for so long.

On the other hand – FIL was screamed at for 10mins so do you think this will stop him from doing it again? Baby seems totally fine now, I however am not and wondering if I should say something to him to prevent it happening again. I have been with OH for 13 years and I always got on OK with his parents until we had a baby.

I told my OH that what he did was not OK as she can’t remember who he is. We have a family event in a few months and I’m now dreading it.

So am I being clingy with PFB or was FIL out of order?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 17-May-16 09:29:10

No,I think what he did was fine and feeling like to failed her is an over reaction. She won't be traumatised by it and neither should yousmile

justabigdisco Tue 17-May-16 09:30:03

You're being PFB. Sorry. FIL was trying to do you a favour by taking her out so that you could finish your meal. He obviously wasn't as stressed about her crying as you were, and it hasn't done her any harm! Let it go and move on.

Bambooshoots14 Tue 17-May-16 09:30:30

Pfb I'm afraid...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 17-May-16 09:30:57

Please don't say anything to him. She might've been grizzling as she was a bit bored/restless not because she'd forgotten who he was.

MyLocal Tue 17-May-16 09:31:33

Oh dear, I may get flamed here, but I feel MASSIVE overreaction on your part. Personally I see no issue with FIL trying to build on that bond and appease a crying child by taking her outside for a bit of fresh air and a look at the passing cars and birdies and letting you finish your meal in peace.

I cannot stop replaying the moment he takes her out of the pub. I feel like I failed her and I should’ve gone out with them regardless of how ridiculous it seemed. My insides hurt thinking she was so upset for so long

Really? at what point are you going to let her get to know other people and form other relationships, 1, 6, 18, 30?

Sirzy Tue 17-May-16 09:32:03

Sounds to me like a loving grandfather taking his grandaughter out to calm down while you ate.

No reason for you to feel bad, or to feel annoyed with him.

LondonStill83 Tue 17-May-16 09:32:31

Yes, 100% PFB.

MessyBun247 Tue 17-May-16 09:33:04

I don't think you're being clingy. I can't bare to hear my 4month DD cry either, and knowing she was crying outside would have made me uncomfortable too. How can you enjoy your meal if you know your baby is upset and you are the only one that can comfort her?

However I think your FIL probably thought he would be able to stop the baby crying, and after taking her outside he didn't want to admit that he couldn't! He hadn't seen the baby in ages and just wanted a bit of alone time with her.

Personally I don't think you should say anything, because he didn't purposely do anything wrong. He was just trying to help. I understand it wasn't nice for you though flowers

Don't stress about the family event, it might turn out to be great!

TyrionLannistersShadow Tue 17-May-16 09:33:27

Totally pfb ! Honestly, you will look back in years to come and cringe that you were like that grin. The baby was fine, your Fil was trying to help.

LunaDott Tue 17-May-16 09:33:39

Balls... I'll try to let it go and move on then. This parenting malarky is hard!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 17-May-16 09:33:43

You are being PFB. When babies cry, it's not as stressful to other people as it is to their parents - you are programmed to react to it. FIL took baby outside to give you a break and let you finish your lunch. Sure, maybe if you'd taken baby you may have been able to calm her down more quickly, but he was trying to help you. No harm done. Please don't say anything to him, you'll upset him for no good reason.

LunaDott Tue 17-May-16 09:37:33

Messy I think you've totally summed up what happened from both perspectives.

EmGee Tue 17-May-16 09:37:47

You will look back on this in a few year's time and realise you are being PFB. But I think your reaction was pretty natural as she is still quite a small baby and you are, of course, very protective of her.

But babies do scream and cry for a long time and it won't have scarred her!

It sounds like you have lovely PILs so please don't let this spoil it. Remember they, too, were parents once.

BabyMonkeyMummy Tue 17-May-16 09:37:53

I would have felt the same as you. I know that others disagree but I just don't feel it's anyone's place to take your child because "they" think it's ok or the right thing to do. Even if they're right it's not their call. If anyone tries to take my daughter without my agreement it feels me with anxiety, regardless of who it is and how much I trust them. The difference is that if it's my family I feel I can tell them to back off, whereas if it's my OH's family I think they'd see me as being rude and perhaps think it's specific to them and I wouldn't do the same with my family (which isn't true). I feel it's my OH's place the set them straight in that situation but he doesn't always and that pisses me off but I just tell him afterwards how I wish he had dealt with it and why. Have you discussed it with your OH since? Maybe if you tell him how it made you feel he will be more receptive to situations like that in the future.

SpoonfulOfJam Tue 17-May-16 09:38:36

I understand your feelings but yabu. Amazingly I don't have the same feelings when it happens with ds2. Def a pfb thing.

It's lovely that pil is trying to get to know your baby and show that he is also a loving grandparent- by persevering and showing your baby comfort. Quite often, a walk outside I'd all it takes to calm babies down.

Ds1 was similar as a baby. Grandparents persevered and now, he adores them and can stay with them for long weekends and for emergency childcare. They have a wonderful relationship.

BabyMonkeyMummy Tue 17-May-16 09:39:53

fills, not feels.

BaronessEllaSaturday Tue 17-May-16 09:41:05

I think your fil was out of order. I do not think there is any reason to make a baby cry needlessly. He may have had good intentions but I never let mine cry when something could easily sort it.

SerenityReynolds Tue 17-May-16 09:48:39

I agree that FIL was trying to be kind and trying to let you have an uninterrupted meal while there were some extra pairs of hands to help with your DD. I completely understand how distressing it was for you to hear her upset outside though, so unfortunately his gesture didn't have the intended effect. Replaying the episode now does seem a bit of an overreaction however, but I think we've all been a bit pfb at one point or another!

imwithspud Tue 17-May-16 09:49:52

I understand how it feels, I've had it with both my DD's (even more so with DD2, oddly), it's like a primal urge, and I always found it frustrating when people didn't listen and refused to give baby back when they are obviously upset and their efforts at calming them aren't working.

BUT it really does sound like your FIL was trying to be helpful and I really don't think your DD will be traumatised by it so please don't feel bad or guilty - she will have forgotten all about it so no harm done. A lot of babies go through this phase, it's possible that in a few months time your DD will be happier being held by other people so the family event you have coming up might not be as bad as you envision.

LunaDott Tue 17-May-16 09:51:01

I think that it was just feeling powerless and out of control all of a sudden Baby, and feeling I should still be polite to my inlaws at the same time. I have brought it up once with my partner. I think before we go to the next event I'll try and make sure he is on my side a bit more as that kind of threw me off too.

It was needless Baroness. If he'd have given her to me when I asked she would've been fine - no tears at all.

MigGril Tue 17-May-16 09:51:50

I'm going to go against everyone else and say no your not over reacting. Mums have a strong bond with their babies if she normally doesn't cry like that then the crying has invoked a natural hornmal response in you to help her. That's total natural. People forget we are animals to, you feel wrenched that you didn't respond to your baby when you normally would have.

Even if your FIL was trying to help and didn't in effect really do anything wrong. Your right she, at this age doesn't know him and won't remember him. Totally different from when they are toddler's and can remember from one visit to the next.

Something I don't think you feeling upset about it is wrong. Do go to your baby next time of you feel you need to. It'll be different when she's a bit older and remembers them from one visit to the next.

For what is worth MIL used to get upset that DD would cry at her as a baby when they visited. But they only came every couple of months DD new my friends better then the il's at that point, it wasn't until she was a little older and could remember visits that she then thought the world of her grandparents.

LunaDott Tue 17-May-16 11:15:05

Thank you MigGril, I will definitely go to her next time regardless. It's not worth the sleepless nights even if I am being PFB! I guess I was putting the feelings of a 60 year old man over the feelings of a 6 month old - I was worried about hurting HIS feelings. Next time baby comes first and sod everyone else smile

Trooperslane Tue 17-May-16 13:24:12

You do sound lovely, but totally PFB

And if you're unhappy with who's holding her, take her off them. You're her Mum, end of.

kiki22 Tue 17-May-16 17:03:46

Seems to me like crossed wires I don't think I any of you where in the wrong here, next time just speak up even to say if she's not calmed down in a couple of mins give me a shout or I'll not be able to settle with her crying outside I will sort her thanks though.

In all honestly you were being pfb but she is your pfb so it's no wonder but try not to think like sod everyone else you can speak up for you and her without hurting anyone feelings.

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