HELP! Can men have postnatal depression!?

(5 Posts)
losingmyshit Sun 24-Apr-16 08:47:31

Hi everyone, this is the first time I've posted on anywhere like this but I'm literally at my wits end with my partner.

We had a baby 9 months ago. We had been in a wonderful relationship for 7 years before falling pregnant - baby WAS planned and it was my partner who told me he wanted a baby!

Our beautiful daughter was born in July and since then, my partner started 'distancing' himself from me. We barely spoke, he was always on his phone, always hiding it.

One evening I caught him deleting text messages whilst he was playing with my daughter, then another message came through from a male name, responding to a text. To cut a long story short, he had been texting a woman from work, but saved her name as a male colleague. He SAYS he was only talking to her about problems he's been having since we had our daughter. I don't believe him but what can I do...He said he was questioning his feelings for me.
I kicked him out, he came back the next day begging me not to leave him etc. Apparently that night away from us made him realise what he wanted...?!
Since then, he's been more distant than ever... I get the impression he doesn't want to be a part of this family, I know he regrets having our daughter based on comments he's made, he has no patience with her, no patience with me - he has such a short fuse and he's always losing his patience over nothing. He never wants to spend time as a family and on the rare occasion we do, he's miserable and he doesn't make any effort to make it look like he's having a nice time. He doesn't speak with any of his friends anymore (apart from one person from work - apparently ACTUALLY male!), he's always on his phone looking at football bets.
Before we had our daughter, we were so close and I KNEW he loved me more than anything and would do anything for me. I trusted him and never wanted to check his phone - just left him to it. Now I wonder if he's been like this all along but I'm only just noticing now.

Now he says his feelings have changed and he can't give me what I need but he doesn't want to split up.

I don't know what to do. I'm struggling with his short fuse and temper, I feel so insecure like he could leave at any minute and I'm wondering if he's struggling with depression or even post-natal depression (is that possible!?) I've even wondered if he's having an affair with this woman from work. He hates his actual job, and I've suggested new jobs when I see vacancies but he's not interested and gets annoyed at the suggestion - makes me think he doesn't want to leave because of her!?

Has anyone else experienced this with their partner since having a baby? Did you get through it or is it best to part ways? We have been together for 8 years now, since I was 16 years old and we own our own home and have a cat!! I don't want to just give up!

Any advice is appreciated and sorry for the rant sad

Baconyum Sun 24-Apr-16 08:53:11

Honestly? My ex is no longer in our (mine and dds) life.

We were together 10 years, dd was planned, when I was heavily pregnant he said he didn't think he was ready to be a dad. We had problems as soon as she was born, as you describe, he was unfaithful with 2 women and is now married to one of them.

That's my story, but with yourself, given he's insisting this is a guy he's talking to and you got together very young...could he be gay/bisexual?

You definitely need to do something but if you're to stay together he needs to make an effort as well.

lovewatchingrainfall Sun 24-Apr-16 09:11:59

In short yes men can get postnatal depression.

My husband suffered really bad it with when our DD was born. He would not talk to her or hold her for the first 8months of her life. I told him on more then one occasion that he had it and would not believe me. The trouble is it's not that common for men to get it but they do. When I finally marched him off to the doctor and got them to tell him what it was he believed me. It was not easy but after finding a dads group and other people to talk to it helped him.
Our DD is now 3 and their relationship is amazing.

The best thing you can do it talk to him and get him to talk to other people.

losingmyshit Sun 24-Apr-16 10:08:38

I have actually asked him if he's questioning his sexuality Baconyum and he denied it but I have seen a slightly disturbing message from this guy in his messages - won't go into detail but it would suggest he may be gay/bisexual - but could also just be stupid man banter... I don't know.

Hes suggested that maybe he's depressed but he says he doesn't really know what's wrong with him and he can't even explain how he's feeling himself. He refuses point blank to go to the doctors. He says he has tried to speak to other dads who have just told him to man up and get on with it and it's not meant to be easy etc.

He does show affection to our daughter, but at the same time, he doesn't have the patience for her.

It's such a horrible situation - I'm at the point where I think I may just have to walk away but it's not easy. And I still love him, even more than I did before we had our daughter, which makes it more difficult! He says he doesn't want anymore children because he thinks he's a rubbish dad and he knows he doesn't have the patience or time for kids! We'd always planned on two, so that breaks my heart too, that if we stay together I won't get anymore babies.

Baconyum Sun 24-Apr-16 21:05:56

It sounds to me as if he is struggling with his sexuality which can make someone anxious/depressed also (I'm bi I've been there, even though I'm not in a relationship it's still hard).

But it's not fair on you or your child for him to be cold and impatient.

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