Don't like motherhood

[anonymiss]

I have an 8 week old baby, but am not enjoying motherhood at all and am scared that I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My DD is beautiful and healthy and I should be so happy as she was a much wanted baby. However, since she was born she has been colicky and difficult to settle. I have tried all the usual remedies with little success and it seems that I am just going to have to wait for this to pass.

I am so low about not being able to have a shower or a bowel movement without hearing her crying. I am fed up of not even being able to go to a supermarket without her screaming, and of people coming up to me asking me why she is crying and what is wrong with her (I don't know and this is one of the things that upsets me a lot).

I have a lot of support from my partner and mum,as well as friends and HV, and feel so guilty about how low and anxious I am - I know many people have to cope with much worse, and by themselves. I know that I should be happy and coping much better, and am too ashamed to talk to people about how I feel; it was ok to admit to being low in the first few weeks after DD was born, but I think I should be over the baby blues now. I also feel guilty that I resent the restrictions on my life, and I know how selfish I sound just typing this. I am crying as I am sat here typing this. Does it ever get easier? I feel so ashamed and low.

Not really expecting a respone, just feel alone and felt in need of venting anonymously.

[Tortington]

me either. hated the baby part.

couple of things.

it might be PND. if so seek medical advice or tell your HV.

it may be a medical thing for your baby - get her properly checked out.

secondly. kids cry. when you do all you can do and they still cry - you have done your best.

a crying baby is not a wrong thing to hear. Some perspective is needed.

say you go to the crappola for a stinkie, you could put the baby outside in the basket. if she is safe, warm, fed, changed, winded - and cries.

carry on with your crappola - guilt free. read a cosmo article whilst your there.

it does get easier. babies are the hardest thing in my opinion.

[CountessDracula]

Do you think you might have pnd?

To be honest I (and a lot of others) had similar feelings, it is a bizarre thing having a first baby, we had tried for 3 years and dd was so longed for and I found myself HATING it for the first while.

If it is any consolation it does get better. You are in the right place, mumsnet is for exactly this sort of thing xxx

[lemonaid]

Really, that's pretty normal. I have friends who warned me before my own DS was born that when their first child was born they spent three months thinking they had made the biggest mistake of their lives (they went on to have two more children, so it was only a transient feeling although it didn't feel like it at the time). A lot of people feel this way with a new baby, it's just something that doesn't get talked about much. And it really does get much better.

If you think you might be depressed, though, and things don't seem to be improving, it's worth talking to your GP about it. Post-natal depression is really very common, although if I had to guess I'd say you are "just" having a very normal reaction to dealing with a high-needs baby.

Also recommend "The Fussy Baby Book".

[pianist]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Please be reassured that MANY MANY mums feel like this too. Some babies just do cry a lot. As long as you know you're looking after him/her properly, which I'm sure you are, you've got nothing to feel bad about. I know it's not what you want to hear in some ways, but it's not uncommon for first time mums to feel out of place. In my own case I don't think I will ever feel 'at home' being a mum, ie, I constantly find it a struggle. However, it DOES get easier as they grow up and can do more things for themselves. You are lucky that you've got a mother to help out - that makes a huge difference. Try to plan just one time in the next week when you can have some time for yourself - even if it's just you mum taking baby for a walk while you have a bath! Just a tiny break will help you cope. Also, I know everyone says this and it's not always what you feel like doing, but sleep when the baby sleeps! Lack of sleep makes anyone depressed.

You're not alone in feeling like this. Don't panic, you're doing fine and you'll gradually feel better about life.

[bakedpotato]

PND online questionnaire here .

Take care.

[suzycreamcheese]

major culture shock, no matter how prepared you think you are / and looking after baby is one of the hardest jobs, hardest actually, that i've ever done, it can be long lonely day

try and focus on the help you have at hand, and utilise them - an hour babysitting whilst you have a bath, meet mate for coffee, linger in library etc..

illness & weather permitting get out the house, fresh air brisk walk, does a power of good.
its a real problem, dont kid yourself, but they do grow and are fun sooner than you think but major adjustment to make, give yourself time, girl!

[winestein]

Baby blues can go on for months and months if they are not acknowledged/treated. I wish I had found Mumsnet before I did (5 months). I thought I was going insane - you are not alone and it isn't selfish. I would support the idea of offloading on to your HV. She is after all a health professional and is there for you as much as your baby. Offloading here is a good start

[Mumpbump]

The only form of communication that babies have is crying and I even read somewhere that it is essential to the proper development of their lungs. It will get easier - by about 4 to 5 months, they are quite good fun and ds (11mo tomorrow) is adorable. I would get a sling so you can cart the baby around with you - it worked a treat for getting our ds to calm down/go to sleep...

Good luck!

[Tortington]

so anonymiss? how dya feel

[anonymiss]

Firstly, thanks to everyone for replying. Some of your replies made me smile. There is a huge sense of relief in knowing that I'm not alone; one of the worst things about going to the post natalmeets has been all the other mums telling me how much they are enjoying it and how good their babies are.
The general consensus seems to be that things will get better at 3 months; I am counting the days, weeks and hours.

[Tortington]

70% of them are lying, they go hope and weep.

be happy!
they lie

[IntergalacticWalrus]

Custy is right.

I spent far too long with uber0mums after the birth of DS1 (who as a babay was a bloody nightmare, quite frankly)The brought me down. Take everything other mums say with a pinch of salt, and if you want honsty, come on here!

Remember. This too will pass.

Hope things start lookingt up for you

[CanSleepWellSometimes]

Ok - some great advice here already about how you're feeling, so lets look at how baby is feeling. Are you using a sling/baby carrier? I couldn't do anything for first 4 months without dd screaming unless she was in this (wasn't guaranteed that she would stop then, but it helped).

When you say you've tried 'all the usual remedies' for her screaming, does this include cranial osteopathy, putting her on dairy free diet (you giving up dairy if she's bf, or hypoallergenic formula if she's ff), and doc considering reflux?

My dd's screaming turned out to be a combination of squished head from the birth, silent reflux and milk intolerance. I was fobbed off with 'colic - she'll grow out of it' until 15 weeks .

[beckybrastraps]

Custy's right. SOme babies just cry. Ds did. There was nothing at all wrong with him,
but he cried all day and all night, with brief pauses for feeding. I would just hold him, and watch the television with the subtitles on, or stick a book over the top of him and read. I did become in a way desensitised to the sound of crying after a while. It makes me sound heartless, but it was the only way I got through it. And find some other mothers who are more honest about their children. The company of other people saved my sanity, but you have to choose your friends carefully, or you'll be comparing developmental milestones forever...

[BuffysMum]

My 3rd screamed a lot it was a very difficult time, I stopped enjoying motherhood for many months. She will stop screaming and it will get better. You sound very normal, make use of your support network.

My screamer became one of the easiest older babies & toddlers, perhaps yours will too.

[3sEnough]

Gosh you remind me of me! I was exactly the same with my ds when born and wondered what on earth I had done - it can be great but it can also be lonely, depressing, boring, knackering etc, etc. It DOES get better and personally speaking it really improved when I had more than one child - it surprised me as I didn't much like having ds, so much so that I considered keeping at one child...I didn't as he was the sort of child who I felt would really benefit from a sibling - sensitive, shy etc. Now I have 3 and it's not perfect but 1000 times better than with one and more to the point - I realise that it's generally fairly cr.p for the first 12 weeks or so with each child - they're just darn tiring! Good luck and keep going - you're doing wonderfully.

[beckybrastraps]

See! These are the mums you need to be talking to. Ones who let you know you are not alone. And it gets better. Or at least you get more used to it...

[Tortington]

yeah we are real mums. not face to face 'pretend' mums.

we tell it hopw it really is becuase we cant see you! believe us.

your face to face mummies are lying

[anonymiss]

Thank you so much to all of you. YOu have really helped me. Have to go now as DH is home and I don't want him to see this post. Thanks again, I can't tell you how much it means to know I'm not alone. XX

[morningpaper]

I hate motherhood, well a lot of it

But I do love my children, they are the best things that ever happened to me

I didn't like them much when they were 8 weeks old though

It is the trappings of motherhood that are very hard, the constant hamster-wheel of life, getting up to the sound of screaming, doign the same crap, going to bed knackered to the sound of screaming, then getting up the next day to the same old GAAAAAAAAAAH

It's good when you can get back to work for a day or two

You can vent here

[bakedpotato]

Why not try to tell your DH how you feel?

[KezzaG]

I havent read all of the replies but definately agree with general gist of them. Babies are hard hard work, and I found that a year down the line, those same mums who seemed to be coping actually admitted that they struggled too. I think there is pressure to sayyou are enjoying it. I remember clearly thinking that if there was the option to return my ds after a trial basis I would have taken it. It gets soooo much better, hang in there.

[MABS]

I am not a 'natural' mother, am way to selfish and dislike my kids quite often. Fortunately dh is a brill father.

[Troutpout]

Aww...been there...just wanted to give you a bit of support anonymiss.
I actually had a problem even hearing ds1 cry...i couldn't bear it..somehow i felt he was doing it as a reflection of me as a mother....so i couldn't leave him or even get to the point of being desensitised.
I had pnd...didn't know it at the time (in too much of a fog)...but i did.Not saying that you have pnd mind you...but maybe you can talk about it as a possibility with you hv and dh?. I wish i had...i would have been able to cope much better and who knows maybe enjoyed that early baby stage a little too.
good luck

[Judy1234]

It's quite boring sometimes. I went back to work when ours were 2 weeks old and it was then much better and easier. Some women just do better going back to work. There's absolutely no reason you have to be there 24 hours a day with the baby unless you think that's best for you and the baby.