always left out

[themumfairy]

Please be honest and tell me if you think I'm over reacting
Ds1 is almost 9 and is always left out at school when they are asked to pair up. The class has an odd number of boys and it's always my ds who's the one on his own.
I feel so sorry for him and am nearly in tears writing this but am I being a little too sensitive? Dd is only 8 weeks so could still be hormones.
He is quite shy so how can I bring out his confidence because I'm afraid things like this is just knocking him back.

[pippistrelle]

I think you're not necessarily over-reacting. However, presumably, you only have his record of events and 8 year olds are not always the most reliable sources. So, I would have a chat with his teacher to see, first of all, if she can put your mind at rest. You can let her know your concerns so that you are sure she is aware. Then, if necessary, she can re-jig the way things are done in class.

[themumfairy]

Thanks for your reply.
When I casually ask who he's say next to on the coach to swimming he'll 9 times our of 10 say that he sat by himself cuz everyone else had a partner. I mentioned it to his teacher last week at parents evening and she said he usually doesn't have a partner but he plays with everyone at playtime so isn't worried. I've just drove home and saw his class walking down to the local church for their easter eucharistic and his partner was the teacher at the back.
I may be a little bit over sensitive but I feel so upset for him. He plays with the other boys at playtime so I'm sure it's not because they don't like him, I think it's more the fact that they've all got closer bonds and my ds hasn't formed that with anyone else. His best friend now has a new best friend.
Any tips on how he could form some bonds with others?

[pippistrelle]

Well, if you're at home with the baby at the moment (congratulations, by the way!), you could try some social engineering by inviting one or two friends home from school (one at a time is probably best). Is you son upset by this though, or are you maybe projecting a little?

[themumfairy]

He's definitely aware that he's the one who's left out but I don't think I'll bothers him as much as it bothers me.
I'm worried that his social skills aren't what they should be and this will lead to bullying later on especially in high school.
It's always been an issue but I've pushed it to the back of my mind for the last few years. But lately I'm noticing it alot more. He gets invited to parties still so I don't think he's being bullied I just think it's a case of him being the backup friend rather than the first option friend iygwim.
Ds2 is a social butterfly and has a large group of friends so I don't have any worries with him in that respect.
I'm going to invite a couple of kids over (different days) and see what happens. I'm on maternity so have more time than before dd was born. I work nights so they used to get home from school and I'd be getting ready to go to bed for a few hours before work.
I was that desperate a few weeks ago I thought about sending ds in with a pack of sweets to share with whoever he sat next to on the coach. I didn't because he'd of got in trouble and I don't want to teach him that you have to buy Friends but I felt so upset.

[pippistrelle]

I do see what you mean but, personally, I think there's a lot to be said for having a group of friends rather than a best friend. Yes, invite the boys - or maybe even girls - shock, horror he's most friendly with: he might develop stronger bonds over Minecraft or whatever non-school thing he's into. But, on the whole, if he's not that bothered, then try not to worry. (Easier said than done, I know.)

[Debsy1234]

You are not overreacting,poor thing it can't be nice to be on your own when other kids are in pairs. Like the other poster has said, ask him who he gets on with the most and would like to have round for tea and play or go to the wacky or laser quest, something fun and adventurous and help him arrange a date with their parents. Kids are funny creatures and will stick with the same friend and groups as its like their safety net so if he can invite 1 friend at a time he's got better chances of building better friendships and vice Versa too actually.

Also these outings may be a bit pricey but it'll be worth it in the long run for your son and help you feel more relaxed about it all.

[themumfairy]

Thankyou all for being so kind
I've had a light little chat with ds and he says that his mate was away and that he has already sorted out a partner for swimming. I've not made a big deal out of it and causally just slipped in that I saw him walking with the teacher. He doesn't seem bothered. I'm going to text a different friends mum tonight and make a playdate for in the easter holidays. I'm also going to plan lots of different activities to do so he's got lots to talk about when he does go back.
He's been telling me about different stories involving other kids pencil cases (apparently how popular you are depends on the fancy stationary you have) so have said I'll take him to staples and get him which pencils he wants. This has made his day
Also going to look into finding him a club on the weekend so he can make other friends

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

My son is 8 and as his teacher put it 'he is friends with everyone, best friends with no one' it doesn't bother him at all. He always has someone to play with no matter who is off sick, leaves the school etc. His friends still call for him to play out which they all do in a big group. I think boys tend to have larger more inclusive friendship groups than girls which took me a bit of getting used to.

[PerspicaciaTick]

I think the teacher, knowing that it is an issue, could try using some strategies so that the children take it turns to be the odd one out - perhaps by asking them to pair up alphabetically, or taking it in turns to be the first to pick a partner or something.

[themumfairy]

He doesn't go out after school yet, even though we live on the same Street as his school none of his classmates live close.
He has a ps4 so he could go online with his mates but unfortunately his mates all have the older ps3 so he can't play with anyone on there.

[themumfairy]

I was hoping she would of suggested that but she seems to think everything is ok.
Kids with the same problem on other forums suggest they could have mild aspergers. Never really thought of that but could he of got to year 4 without it being picked up

[pippistrelle]

Well, it's possible, I suppose, but it's equally possible that he's just sociable in a different way from you and from his brother. But it sounds like he's actively involved in what's going on at school, involved enough to know that he wants the right stationery!

See how he gets on when you invite some friends round.