How did you decide to try for another child?

(20 Posts)
SunnyDays1987 Thu 17-Mar-16 12:09:51

We have a DS who is 14 months and we are struggling to decide whether to have another one. I think we both want another child but don't want another pregnancy or newborn. The thought of going back to the early days of no sleep and lots of crying is quite depressing and that's without thinking about doing it all with a toddler! I don't want a big age gap for lots of reasons but we keep deciding to try and then pushing it back another few months. We also keep talking about how much easier it would make our life to just have one, but then I wonder if we'll always think we should have had another.

I'm interested to hear how other people made the decision?!

nam207 Thu 17-Mar-16 12:29:26

Before we had DS we thought we'd want 2 close together as I was 35 when I had him.

It turned out DS was poorly when he was born and a very fussy baby. My DH got severe depression and I was anxious from lack of sleep.

All thoughts of having 2 close in age went out the window as there was no way we could add more stress to the situation.

By the time DS was turning 2 life felt calmer. I was more rested, my DH was in a better place mentally and having another seemed do able. We could also see how much DS loved being around his cousin and knew we'd like a sibling for him.

It ended up taking us quite a long time to conceive and we had one mmc but now I'm 26 weeks along.

DS will be almost 4 when bump comes along and we're the last ones in our antenatal group to have a second. At first I was upset by this and thought the age gap would be too big but we did what was right for our situation and I've relished the time I've had just with DS.

As DS is a bit older he fully understands that he has a sibling coming along and is really excited by it. He keeps coming up to my bump and giving it a kiss and can't wait for them to arrive.

SunnyDays1987 Thu 17-Mar-16 18:36:22

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Did you ever consider not having another?

Artistic Thu 17-Mar-16 18:48:43

I didn't want another for years. Until I did. Age gap is 7 years!! shock

nam207 Thu 17-Mar-16 20:23:38

I did consider not having another. In the first two years I felt at times, like you, that going back to the newborn stage would be unbearable.

So many people had said to me that by 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months it will be so much easier and it wasn't really that I just couldn't face it. But then by the time DS was around 2 I realised that it was actually easier then and I was finally getting a decent amount of sleep and knowing I'd have at least another 9 months before going back to that stage it felt OK.

I think also I was aware I might not have the opportunity if I left it because of my age. If you're younger you can afford to wait longer and have another if you change your mind. There are pros and cons to all different age gaps.

Overall I think you'll probably just know when you feel ready and then that will be the right time for you. You may on the other hand decide one is enough and that's OK too. My old boss at work just had one. They loved their DD to bits but just decided to focus on her and not have any more. The DD seemed really happy on her own and they always had lots of school friends over so she had lots of children to play with.

NickyEds Thu 17-Mar-16 21:11:44

We made the decision to have two close together when I got pregnant with ds (our first) and then just stuck doggedly to our plan! We now have ds who is 2.3 and dd who is almost 8 months. When I was first pregnant ds was waking every 90 minutes -2 hours and I had morning sickness all day long. It was grim. At the end of the pregnancy i really struggled with ds and the tiredness etc. However I'm glad we have two close together. They are lovely together already and I feel like we're getting the baby days over in one go (unless we go for a third- I want to, dp doesn't). Also I'm a SAHM so having them close together means that my overall time out of work is reduced. We have good days and bad days but the good far outweigh the bad and it gets easier every week.

NickMarlow Fri 18-Mar-16 07:46:58

We haven't actually started trying for dc2 yet, but we're going to in the summer. We knew we wanted a second and not a massive gap, but the thought of another new born terrified me when dd was under 1! Now she's 14 months its starting to feel a bit more possible, if I got pregnant by accident now she'd be nearly 2.

Ideally we'd love a 2 and a half year gap but I know it doesn't work that easily! It took us 9 months to conceive dd, so we're going to start trying when she's about 18 months. Hopefully that means if it happens quicker this time she'll be at least 2.3 when dc2 is born, if it takes longer she'll be 3ish.

jamtartandcustard Fri 18-Mar-16 12:29:12

I have 4 with age gaps of 5yrs, 3yrs and 4yrs. In my experience the 3yr gap was the hardest. You will know when the time is right. 14months is still very young.

kiki22 Sat 19-Mar-16 09:49:37

I always wanted 2 then after a horrible birth and a baby who never slept and cried a lot I said never again. Once ds was about 18 months I started to think of another he was 2.5 by the time I was ready and took another year to fall pregnant. Ds will be 4.6 when the new one comes and starts school days before I'm due its scary to think of going back but the upside is that ds will be at school so napping during the day will be possible.

I couldn't have done 2 at a time while ds was not sleeping, now I have hindsight on my side all the things that I wouldn't do over and knowing that it will pass and I don't need to force it. I couldn't have done it before 2/3 years old

scrivette Mon 21-Mar-16 20:04:35

I always wanted 2 or 3, however I had to return to work after 7 months and found working full time and DS hard work. I did consider not having another but decided that I really wanted DS to have a sibling.

DS2 was born just after DS1 turned 4 and he started reception a couple of months later. The age gap and the timing with starting school worked really well for us.

minipie Mon 21-Mar-16 20:19:11

DH and I had always wanted 2.

then we had DD, she was premature, stressful time in NICU, difficult feeder, terrible sleeper, very demanding. I swore no more ever. By 6 months she was a lot easier but still hard work. By 15 months she was fun and I started to but I still had the memories of her early months seared into my brain. Could not face the small baby stage again.

Then slowly I began to convince myself that any DC2 would be much easier. Saw a dr who said prem again was unlikely. Resolved to get tongue tie sorted immediately this time. Resolved to use a Sleepyhead/night nanny/whatever it took to get sleep this time. Saved up for childcare help during mat leave.

And so we started TTCing... and DD2 was conceived very quickly. Felt a bit shock at such a small age gap (2y 4m) and definitely did not look forward to the baby bit, but at the same time I was glad to be getting it over and done with and glad the two DC would (hopefully) play together more and sooner due to small age gap.

I would not have considered such a small age gap if we were not able to afford lots of childcare help (and have helpful GPs too).

Terrifiedandregretful Wed 23-Mar-16 11:05:34

I thought I wanted two or more but there is no way I am doing the baby stage again. I still have nightmares about the first 6 months. I also think life with just one is pretty lovely. My best friend is an only child and is evangelical about how great it is to be a only, which has helped me feel comfortable with my decision.

Mumchatting Wed 23-Mar-16 23:46:23

I am an only child and I have great memories from my childhood. I always had lots of friends at school as a child and never felt lonely.
People usually think that if you have one child then you will hurt him by not giving him sibling but I don't think it's true. Only child gets undivided love and attention from his parents and what else can you wish for.

I have noticed recently that there is some pressure to have more than one and of 2 years gap as if it was the only right gap. My son was amazing as a baby, hardly ever cried, was always happy and cheerful but I never felt I must fall pregnant straight away just because 2 years gap is thought to be very common. I wanted to have that very personal one to one experience with my son when he was a baby and now is a little toddler.

OP, the best age gap is when you are ready.

Sparklingsky Thu 24-Mar-16 00:07:42

I agree with Mumchatting. The best age gap is when you're ready. I had a 2 yr gap first and it was exhausting for me and stressful for DH. Friends who had 2.5 yrs + gap seemed to find it a bit easier initially.

Then I had a 4.5 yr gap with number 3 which was great. I could focus on the new baby during school hours. They also get on better than the two who are 2 yrs apart.

Definitely when you are ready. I thought 2 yrs was right for the children. I don't think it is necessarily so any more.

ayesar Thu 24-Mar-16 03:09:54

I always knew I would have 2. It was just a given. So after having my first I started planning out when to get pregnant next. I got pregnant when my son was 14 months and I would recommend that you wait longer if you decide to have another. Have at least a 3 year age gap between your kids. It was hard for me and I wish I spaced them out more. Now I am thinking about a third but husband us totally against it, so I'm done I guess.

minipie Thu 24-Mar-16 07:33:28

Yes I also don't understand the expectation of a 2yr age gap. I'd say that a gap of at least 2.8 -3 yrs is a lot more forgiving in the early days, and I think siblings with that slightly larger gap are just as likely to get on well as those 2yrs apart.

Artandco Thu 24-Mar-16 07:39:36

Always wanted two. Started trying soon after first was born. 15 month gap

SunnyDays1987 Fri 25-Mar-16 11:50:03

Thanks for all of the comments, it's been really interesting reading them. One of the big factors for me is that I've ended up being a SAHM and I don't think we will end up putting DS in any kind of childcare until we have free hours so having a big gap isn't really possible. I also don't think I would want to get out of the baby stage, only to have to get back in to it again. It just worries me how hard it will be. One baby was unbelievably exhausting at times, so I really don't know just how hard it would be with two shock!!!!

donajimena Fri 25-Mar-16 11:59:51

I dont know if others will agree but I found it so much easier second time around. I have an accidental gap of 2.2 years. The newborn was so much easier than the toddler. It stayed where you left it for a start! Even the night wakings didn't feel so bad. I think going from zero to one child is such a shock to the system that by the time number 2 comes along most of the hard work (ie the transition to being parents) is done.
Because you already have a child that needs looking after you crack on with it!
I don't think there is an ideal gap as there are so many pros and cons but even if my timing was accidental I am glad with hindsight that the baby stages were done close together.

SunnyDays1987 Fri 25-Mar-16 12:08:53

I've had this discussion with a friend recently. I did wonder if the transition isn't quite as hard because you kind of know what you're doing and it's not such a shock to the system as it is going from a couple to parents! Glad to hear that can be the case sometimes!!

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