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Parenting

Effect on children when criminal husband is named in small town

23 replies

flubdub · 09/03/2016 16:58

Ok so to try and cut a long story short, in December my husband was sentenced to 16 months suspended sentence and 250 community service for selling cannabis. There were 4 people involved altogether. The others went to prison for nearly 4 years.
Fast forward to this Saturday, and our local police shared all of this information, including names, addresses and photos on their Facebook.
We live in a small town and everybody knows everybody.

Me and my husband have four children under 11 together. My eldest son has ADHD and lots of mental problems (VERY strong anger, anxiety).

His friends have seen this police post on Facebook and are giving him quite a bit of grief. His g/f of 18 months also told him today that her parents have told her to dump him because of what his dad has done.

To say this is affecting him is an understatement. He is a very sad/complicated child at the best of times. He has come home crying, won't speak to anyone, and is sat in his room alone.
I have just emailed the local police asking them to remove it, and telling them why. But the damage has already been done.

I guess I'm just looking for ideas of what I can do, or any way to try and fix this.

Also, for what it's worth, my husband moved out in December, so the address they shared with everybody wasn't even correct.

OP posts:

Report

coffeeisnectar · 09/03/2016 17:06

How old is the oldest son? I'd suggest talking to him about people tarring others with the same brush and that this is not his fault. Also explain that this will blow over in time and will be forgotten about. Talk to his school and make sure he has someone he can go to if he's finding things difficult.

Did you know what your husband was doing? Because as much as I'm loathe to say this is the sins of the parents affecting the children, I do think this is a case of liking the easy extra money and then moaning when the shit hits the fan. The police are under no obligation to remove his details. I apologise if you had no knowledge of his activities.

sugar21 · 09/03/2016 17:09

Oh I didn't think the police were allowed to post addresses on facebook. Why do they do that ?

OddBoots · 09/03/2016 17:11

Do you have any support form the school and/or CAMHS for his anger and mental health issues? If you have your best bet for support for him are to approach them, otherwise you might need to start that process with the school or GP.

flubdub · 09/03/2016 18:03

Coffeeisnectar
Thanks for replying. My son turned 11 at christmas and no I didn't know what my husband was doing. It definately wasn't a case of liking the extra money either.
He never made any money - otherwise he would have gone to prison with the rest of them. He did it for a few bits of free weed every week. Pathetic, I know.

OddBoots - Hi,
yes we go to CAMHS and he has therapy and an ADHD doctor. He's on medication also.

I just wish there was something in place to stop the children being hurt even further when the police decide to splash it all over the place.
My husband did the crime, not my kids.

OP posts:

flubdub · 09/03/2016 18:04

Sugar21 - it was his name and street, not the actual house number. But there are only 14 houses on here and it's a cul-de-sac.

It doesn't really matter here. You tend to know where most people live anyway.

OP posts:

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 09/03/2016 18:05

Your 11 year old son has a girlfriend of 18 months :/

Shutthatdoor · 09/03/2016 18:07

Your 11 year old son has a girlfriend of 18 months :/

^ this.

Would it not have been reported in the papers anyway?

lunar1 · 09/03/2016 18:11

I know it must be hard, but the blame lies with your husband, not the police. Name and shame is a good deterrent.

I hope your ds is ok, and that he gets all the help he needs.

flubdub · 09/03/2016 18:12

Yes he does. Obviously only a light hearted thing where they are too shy to speak to each other etc and are all giggly and shy.

No it wasn't reported in the paper. Just FB.

OP posts:

flubdub · 09/03/2016 18:13

Thanks lunar. I know it is my husbands fault. I've rung him at work and told him he needs to get round here and try and make this better. It is his fault.
But some thing just don't need to be made worse for the sake of it.

OP posts:

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 09/03/2016 18:14

I think one of the deterrents against committing crime is the fact that you can be "named and shamed" and the effect that this can happen not only on yourself but also on your family.

I do have sympathy with your son but think this is the price which is paid.

And to be honest I think it's right that drug dealers are named so that parents can tell their kids who to avoid. If there was a drug dealer in my village I would want to know and would tell my dc to keep their distance.

flubdub · 09/03/2016 18:41

Ah. Well I'll just go and tell him to "suck it up" then.

As much support as ever on this forum!

OP posts:

mouldycheesefan · 09/03/2016 18:45

Your husband should have considered this before he became a drug dealer. Of course the impact on family is negative. That's his responsibility not the police. I would,limit the contact with the twatty husband as much as possible. You say he has moved out so presumably you have split up and with his conviction you would hopefully be able to limit access to the kids.
It's very tough on your kids poor things though and people shouldn't be giving them a hard time because of their dad. Speak to school if it becomes bullying.
Good luck To you it sounds like a really hard time.

mouldycheesefan · 09/03/2016 18:46

Also I would discourage children age 9-11 from having 'girl friend', just be friends at that age no need to put a romantic label on it.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 18:50

This is your husband's fault

I am sick of posting on threads where if you dare to remind people that it's sale and use is illegal you are painted as some kind of uptight joysucker

This is the reality of drugs. Families get ruined. Kid's lives get ruined. I am sorry, OP. It is shit that your son is likely to suffer but there has to be a deterrent and your husband is the one that crossed a line.

I presume you are sticking by him ?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2016 18:51

Sorry, have just reread your Op and missed the fact that he moved out in December.

IAmAHologram · 09/03/2016 18:52

flub, it's not your fault, it's not your kids' fault.

All I can suggest is that you keep telling them that. Probably a good time to remind them about good choices and bad choices and how you can only really be responsible for the choices you make, not for those that other people make (which would include drug dealing and tarring everyone with same brush).

In a few days, it'll likely be old news, especially if he's not living there. Don't be afraid of pointing that out to people if you need to.

(And yes PPs, it is a deterrent, but pointing that out to OP is hardly helpful...)

AnneEyhtMeyer · 09/03/2016 18:52

^ What AnyFucker said.

Also, surely this has been in the local paper and the local paper's Facebook page already anyway? Everywhere I've lived this has been local-paper fodder.

Blu · 09/03/2016 19:09

Your H needs to apologise to the children, IMO.

Tell them that he did wrong and that a well as being sorry he did something so stupid and illegal he is separately sorry that he has attracted this sort of attention to the family.

An apology goes a long way.

I think all you can do is keep repeating that it was not them, show strength and dignity yourself, and set a strong example that if people think you are 'of a kind ' then they have judged you wrong.

I am v surprised that in a small place it was not in the local paper. I don't blame the police: they get flack from all sides and irrespective of any name and shame purposes they probably want to demonstrate how many crimrs they wrap up,

mamabluestar · 02/04/2016 23:47

I'm guessing that you you alreadyvhave CAMHS involvement from some of the issues that you highlighted in your op. I would suggest contactingvthem to discuss your worries for him. I know it may be hard but I would also ask to speak to his head of year so that they can be aware of any changes in his behaviour and to support you all.

at the pp's who have missed the point of your post

ReallyTired · 03/04/2016 00:06

At eleven years old "girl friends" are not really girl friends in an adult sense. They are friends who happen to be girls. What is horrible for the op son is that the parents of his classmates have told their children not to mix with them because of his father. Although it's possible to understand why, it must be horribly painful for an innocent child to lose their friends because Daddy is a drug dealer.

Is there any possibility of moving, divorcing your husband and getting a fresh start?

I think you are right to write to the police or even the police commissioner outlining the harm they have done. They haven't even shamed the criminal as he had moved away. It might not help your son, but it may make the police think twice about the name and shame policy. If an eleven year old is labelled bad by association by the village then the chances of him growing up to be bad are higher.

Floggingmolly · 03/04/2016 00:17

Write to the Police Commissioner? And say what? Your 11 year old has been dumped by his girlfriend of 18 months because she found out his Dad is a drugs dealer?!
That's the reality of drug dealing. It destroys lives. All the blame lies squarely at your dh's feet.

ReallyTired · 03/04/2016 00:29

The reality is that the naming and shaming policy has hurt an innocent. The drug dealer is completely unaffected by being named and shamed as he has up sticks and left. A punishment that has no affect on the criminal is pointless. If the police are going to name and shame then at least they need to get the details right.

I think you forget that a dad who is a drug dealer often doesn't give a shit about their family. He is unlikely to care about the happiness or welfare of his son.

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