Getting a reputation for violence

[BYOSnowman]

Ds is 8 and has been having a bit of a problem at school being told off for things that have been misinterpreted

Eg two boys are holding his hands and making him hit one of them. Teacher turns round and they tell teacher he's been hitting
Eg one boy sitting on top of his friend who ds believes wants the other boy to get off so tries to push him off - teacher sees ds and he gets told off
Eg boy is poking him in the back - ds turns round to say stop and the boy cries out and tells teacher ds hit him

Now I know ds and he hates rough play and will avoid. I've observed him with his friends enough times to know he is unlikely to be instigating these things. A few times another parent has commented 'oh I hear poor ds got in trouble for xx when it was other boy'

He is the same with his sister - he will say mean things and hide her toys but he never hits - even when she is hitting him. He does give back chat and is a chatterbox so when he is told off for things like that I can totally believe it!

The problem is that he feels the teachers think he is a bully and he is not wanting to go to school. He has also become a bit nervy recently and tries to stay on the outskirts

I obviously support the school but I'm not sure how to advise ds on how to overcome this. He often gets told off because the others have told on him (it is the same 3 or 4 boys) but he is unwilling to tell on them in the first place iyswim

Sorry this is all a bit of a stream of consciousness - I hope it makes sense! I hate seeing him unhappy! Wwyd!

[BYOSnowman]

Bump? Any advice that I can pass on to him would be great. I told him this morning to just make sure he isn't next to them in line etc

[Rosenwyn1985]

I guess he could try to ignore them? If they poke him just try not to get involved and if it's at break tell him to walk away? All else fails you could talk to the school. Or if you're worried about coming across as pushy, ask one of the other mums to. They could pull the teacher aside and say "my son has said that X keeps getting told off when it's the other boys pushing him. I know his mum is worried but too upset to say so I thought I would". Yes I know this is sneaky but it might help!

[BYOSnowman]

I will speak to his teacher at parents evening. He is having no issues academically so behaviour is the part I want to focus on.

He seems to be caught in a cycle of not doing right for doing wrong. It's probably more a case of not reading situations properly eg some boys were teasing him in pe lesson so he walked away and then got told off for walking away. So we had the talk about walking away being find at play time but in a lesson he needs to position himself near the teacher.

Jus to add - the teasing was more gentle ribbing but ds hates people laughing at him so I don't think he's being bullied - just struggling with interactions he isn't comfortable in.

The more I think about it the more I think I need to somehow get through to ds that he needs to think about these situations in a different way.

[MAsMum]

Keep a record of all of the incidents so that you can give the teacher specific examples when you go in.

My son got put on the mat first in the first week of September and it was as if the teacher automatically assumed that he was at fault and so he got put on the mat 18 times in the first 6 weeks despite the fact that none of the other colourful characters in class had been sent to the mat.He went from a super enthusiastic kid to one who cried and didn't want to go in.

When I spoke to the teacher I was able to go through all of the incidents and explain what happened and the teacher was shocked that he was upset and was surprised that his view was "Why bother trying it's not going to make a difference because the teacher is just going to send me to the mat anyway?

We went in before the parents meeting and by the time the parents meeting came she thanked us and said that he was an entirely different child and she was getting to see his enthusiastic side and work wise he was brilliant.

The other thing I asked her to do was to move him near to her desk because I noticed that the kids near her never got into trouble whereas the majority of the kids sitting at the back of the room were the ones getting into bother. The beauty of this was that he was moved beside her and she got to know him and his traits and 5 months later he has only been on the mat once.

[Scattymum101]

MAs mum that's really good advice. As a teacher myself I sometimes don't get to see the same side of the child as a parent who obviously knows them much better so it's really useful to work with parents to understand a child better and know how they're feeling about school and interactions with teacher and other pupils. I would definitely speak to the teacher and try and resolve it.

[BYOSnowman]

The problem is that it's different teachers. I think his form teacher knows all the boys well enough to know when there is some fictional tale telling going on but the other teachers not so much. I have two weeks of school before parents evening so will see what happens and put a list together

Not helped now by the fact ds recently realised the teacher he believes hates his guts will be his form teacher next year!

Thanks for all the advice - was worried I was worrying about nothing!!

[BYOSnowman]

I thought I would update

We mentioned the older boy at parents evening and ds went and spoke to his form teacher which he was very brave to do!

We followed up a week later and got called in to see the dH who has handled the whole thing brilliantly and totally believes ds etc

We will see how it goes after the break but so far so good!!