How to deal with DS (4.6) blatantly favouring me over DH?

(3 Posts)
ExAstris Tue 09-Feb-16 20:42:25

DS1 is four and a half, and, in the interests of full disclosure, is awaiting an appointment to assess for Aspergers.

He's pretty much always preferred me, going through phases of more or less intense favouritism as toddlers do - only occasionally did we hear, "Daddy do it". We put it down to me being a SAHM so main carer, and hoped he'd grow out of it. He still adores DH, and they have lots of games etc they play together and DS prefers to play with DH, just tends to prefer me for comfort and everything else.

DS2 is 6 months, and I suppose it's not unsurprising that DS1 has started with the favouritism again (not that it ever really stopped) given that it's my attention he's having to share with DS2 (when DH is home I can take DS2 if DS1 wants DH, but during the day he has to share me).

It's really hurting DH though. DH has rock bottom self-esteem anyway, and this crushes him. Tonight DS1 said he wanted me to put him to bed by saying Daddy putting him to bed would be a sad face, and spoke of swapping Daddy for grandad (my dad), and said he didn't want to swap me or DS2, but a "Daddy shop" would be funny where he could get a different Daddy. I pointed out to him that it upsets Daddy when he thinks DS doesn't love him. DS said he does love Daddy in the morning, but at bedtime it's a sad face (DH responded that he loved him in the morning, at night, at bedtime, all day). I said that wasn't a nice thing to say and he realised he'd hurt DH and tried to reassure him by saying he loved us both and liked us both, but of course too little too late, and DH is now saying it'd be better if he wasn't here then DS could get a new Daddy.

DS keeps coming out with that sort of thing, saying he likes Daddy but loves Mummy more etc, and I can see every time is like a knife to DH's heart. I can't get DS to see that what he's saying is hurtful, and I think he's just clumsily trying to express concepts like preferring me for specific tasks like bedtime and being truthful as he sees it (even though it's not reality).

How can I fix this?

Sleepyandiknowit Tue 09-Feb-16 22:23:20

My son always preferred me and would openly say so. Ds2 however is all daddy. We just ignored it and just corrected him when/ if he was rude. He's still closer to me but the blatant favourtism has gone. We also used to ensure we split tasks such as bedtime story's trips out etc. if he objected, he missed out.

Think it's a phase they all go through. Try not to worry. With a new baby it's understandable he'd try and stake his claim.

ExAstris Wed 10-Feb-16 15:39:25

Thank you for the reassurance, Sleepyandiknowit. I just hate seeing DH hurt. Hopefully it's a phase, and when DS is old enough to join DH's hobbies that may help.

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