Not sure how to handle this

(9 Posts)
DontCareHowIWantItNow Thu 04-Feb-16 05:26:41

As the title says really not sure what to do.

For a bit of back ground we have DSC living with us. Their 'D'M only has indirect contact and at set times and the DSC then reply indirectly.

It is now coming up to that time. We try not to make big thing of it and build it up too much. Their DM has been inconsistent with it so don't want to get them into a position where they feel let down again. She has done enough of that in their lives already.

DSS has been very quiet over the last couple of days and bit withdrawn. Last night when putting him to bed DH tried to find out what the matter was.

The bottom line is he doesn't want to her from his mum or reply.

He is a lovely boy and hate seeing him upset.

Question is do we 'make' him. We are inclined not to but as court ordered we don't want to end up going back again.

Any ideas?

ChalkHearts Thu 04-Feb-16 05:30:06

How old is he?

Could you reply on his behalf without showing him her message?

If it was typed she wouldn't even need to know it came from you not him.

DontCareHowIWantItNow Thu 04-Feb-16 05:34:07

He is 8.

That maybe an idea.

I also thought of maybe making it 'fun' like picking out pictures an doing a diary type thing.

I just feel sad for them. They have been through some horrible stuff and children of their age shouldn't be able to be just be able to be children.

hesterton Thu 04-Feb-16 05:50:37

Can you do a journal with them for THEM and quietly copy it for her?

DontCareHowIWantItNow Thu 04-Feb-16 05:59:37

Now that is a good idea. Thank you.

It's so difficult. DH and I just want to shelter them from any more distress really.

WhyDidNoOneWarnMe Thu 04-Feb-16 13:28:58

I had similar situation with my daughter's father (from whom I'm divorced). She would tell me aged 9 she didn't want to see him and he was really upsetting her and didn't love her, but she didn't want to tell him herself (didn't want to upset him). I didn't want to make decisions for her, and encouraged her to see him occasionally, if briefly, but that if she definitely definitely didn't want to see him at all for now, then I would tell him.

To cut a very long story short, she went through much distress, and had to handle too much too young, but it was good that I didn't cut off her relationship with her dad, because it meant she could be entirely clear about how she felt - and of course how she felt kept changing as the years went by - and kept things open. Now she's 14, she has to chase him to see him, he shows little interest, but they have a relationship and that's a lot better for her, aged 14, than not having any relationship with him.

But of course every child and every family is different.

Very good luck to you.

Superdry01 Sat 06-Feb-16 16:04:46

Hi all.
I'm not quite sure if I'm being unreasonable with my situation.
I have 3 girls one is disabled and has her own room the baby still in with me and my 10 yr old shares her room with the step daughter every other weekend now the thing is my daughter has asked for new things for her room and has chosen a colour but my partner dad off stepchild as go e mental and told me that I always think off my own children and that it's both off the girls room. Ive said that his daughter has her own room in her own home and this is my daughter home but he won't have it and thinks that his daughter should have a say what goes in the room... I'm stuck on this and don't know what to do

sepa Sat 06-Feb-16 17:08:50

OP without having background information it's hard to make a decision based on what's best for the children as I have 2 very different stories

My dad was violent towards me as a child which is why I didn't want contact. My mum didn't know and our contact was mostly kept to. I don't see my dad now as he refuses to change/accept that he fucked up.
On the flip side, my best friends daughter is actively discouraged from seeing her mum as he didn't want to get back with the mum. He has a court order to say about contact but this doesn't work. The daughter really loves seeing her dad when she does go but because the mum doesn't make her go when she is being a stroppy child it pushes it for months at a time where it gets to the point that the child doesn't want to see her dad as she hasn't spent enough time with him.

Superdry, of course you will put your children before a stepchild. Why shouldn't your daughter get to pick her colur scheme or have to agree with someone who doesn't live there?
Although the SD should feel at home at your house your OH has to realise that it isn't her home over your children!
I don't have step children though so I'm only going to look at it as a birth parent

Imeg Sat 06-Feb-16 20:54:16

Superdry - I think you might be better starting your own thread. But in the meantime, could you have a compromise where your daughter chooses the main things eg colour scheme and stepdaughter chooses eg a poster for the wall, new bedding for her bed? So that they are both involved in an appropriate way relative to the amount of time they spend in the room?

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