My child doesn't live with me but I still love them

(13 Posts)
MotherApart Sun 31-Jan-16 23:47:06

Im a long time lurker since my DS(8) was born but haven't much felt the need to post until now. My DS doesn't live with me and sometimes I feel like I've come to terms with that and other times I really struggle. The internal shame that I'm a parent living apart from their child is almost as bad as the puzzled looks and awkward questions I get when people first realise I have a child but don't live with them.

I don't really know why I'm posting but I know I'm going through a tough time right now with my exh moving in with a new partner soon and some ructions that happened over Christmas. I just hoped that someone out there would be able to reassure me I'm not alone feeling like this and that maybe things might get better one day.

DollyTwat Sun 31-Jan-16 23:54:31

My ds1 lives with his dad. I know how you feel.
It was necessary from my point of view, his behaviour was dangerous towards me and ds2 but I still love him and feel sidelined now, where I had all the day before

DollyTwat Sun 31-Jan-16 23:54:53

*say

MotherApart Sun 31-Jan-16 23:58:56

Thanks for taking the time to reply dolly. How old is your ds if you don't mind me asking? I don't know anyone in rl in this situation and its not often mentioned on here so it can feel lonely a lot of the time.

Brokenbiscuit Mon 01-Feb-16 00:08:29

My cousin hasn't live with her son for years. For various reasons, she and her ex felt that he was better off living with his dad. She is still his mum, and of course she loves him.

Nobody bats an eyelid when a man lives separately from his children. They are still his kids, and he is still their dad. It's sad that women get judged differently.

DollyTwat Mon 01-Feb-16 00:43:17

He's 14
He was violent towards me and ds2 so he had to go and live with dad. Who is probably the worst person really, but I had no other choice.

MotherApart Mon 01-Feb-16 07:50:43

Dolly that must have been really hard for you. Maybe as your ds1 gets older the violence might lessen. flowers

I see my DS most weekends (2/3) and half the holidays but I still feel like the gap between us is widening as time goes on. The latest blow for me was that he calls exh's new partner Mum even though she's been on the scene for a very short time.

DollyTwat Mon 01-Feb-16 12:53:07

How old is your ds?

DollyTwat Mon 01-Feb-16 12:55:14

That's really upsetting for you, he shouldn't be calling her mum. I have no answers though, my son can be lovely and I think we're getting along well and in a second he can change.

MotherApart Mon 01-Feb-16 13:47:17

He's 8. I try my best to act like it doesn't affect me but it is hard. When we split I was working full-time and exh wasn't. He manipulated me and put me down so much over the years I didn't have the fight in me to just take charge leave with ds so we ended up how we are now. Afterwards I took him to court hoping for 50:50 but the court ordered the contact we have at the moment to "keep the status quo".

DollyTwat Mon 01-Feb-16 19:09:10

Now he's older you could change that you know. Contact orders aren't meant to stay the same. If he enjoys spending time at yours you could have him more

MotherApart Mon 01-Feb-16 20:54:15

I've considered going back to court but at the moment DS says he doesn't want anything to change. I know that's partly exh's influence and partly the excitement of having a "new step-brother" of a similar age at his dad's house whereas he's an only child with me and DP. I feel like it would be making a change for selfish reasons to make myself feel less of a failure.

The strange thing is if I hear of another mother living apart from their children I feel sympathy and curiosity about their situation, and also some admiration that they are strong enough to cope. But when I think of myself and my own situation I can't translate those thoughts. I just feel that people must judge me and wonder what I did wrong to warrant the judge's decision.

DollyTwat Tue 02-Feb-16 19:32:11

This is the 2nd time my ds1 has lived at his dad's. The first time was his choice. That was really hard to cope with. I had some counselling and I felt OK about it. It was his choice, he wanted to try it, it wasn't done to upset me.

This time it's different. I can't see him coming back to me and that's ok. We clash and I won't tolerate his behaviour. I'm hoping we can improve things as he gets older.

Enjoy your time with your ds when you have it. You can't worry about what happens at your ex's house, there's no point. If he's happy then that's all that matters

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