Should I record her?(31 Posts)
Please don't judge me for questioning if this action is appropriate. I appreciate that to some this will sound extreme, but there is a big story behind me wanting to do this, but I'll cut it short a much as I can, I really need advice as I can't talk to my family about it of friends.
My son is 6 months old, I will go back to work in April. My MIL has offered to retire and look after him 1 or 2 days while I am at work, she offered to do this while I was pregnant, obviously a huge help for me financially. However since he was born she has become increasingly jealous of me and my relationship with my son. To cut a very long story short, I'll just bullet point just some of the things she has done since he was born!
1. Constantly referred to him as my SIL baby, who can't have kids and lost her baby last year. For example: 'Do you want to hold your baby'...'your baby is crying' 'here you go, here's your baby for a bit '. I found this beyond strange, not an expression of speech in my books, and completely inappropriate given the circumstances. I felt she did this deliberately, why else would she say it. My partner had to tell her to stop doing this because of how much she said it.
2. Making a point of repeatedly each time we see her to refer to my son as 'nannys boy' you're a 'nannys boy'. Or if my son smiled at ME, she'd say, 'you're a mommies boy, but you're going to be a nannys boy when she goes back to work'. Literally each time we saw her she'd say 'nannys boy' about 5-10 times during the time we were there. Why?!?!
3. She loves to say 'oh he's a Blackburn through and through....definitely a Blackburn 100%'. (Blackburn being the surname). Because God forbid he is any part of me and my family!!
3. She's got her own nursery for him. A cot, toy box, books, wallpaper, baby curtains. The cot was set up when he was 7 weeks old which wasn't nessecary. I find it a bit over the top.
4. Since he was 8 weeks she started to question WHY he hasn't had a bit of chocolate to suck on, I told her he was way too young and that I don't want him having chocolate. She genuinely didn't understand me and would say how her kids loved it and it wouldn't harm. From that moment on she made it her absolute mission to mention chocolate EVERY single time we saw her. She'd say things like, 'nanny want to give you chocolate...why won't mommy let you have some'. She would ask have I given him any yet and if not why, when etc. When he started to be weaned at 4 months she stepped it up a notch. She'd tell me that it won't kill him, and she will be giving him lots of chocolate and coke when I go back to work. Then one day when he was 5 months old she said 'oh sod it I'm giving him a piece, it won't kill him!' Well it all kicked off because she just didn't respect my wishes. She said that she wouldn't stop talking about it either, her response was so immature and it took a week for me to get an apology. When she did apologise I said I felt like she acted this way partly to piss me off and she agreed that was true. What the hell?!
I've told my partner I don't want her looking after him, he obviously got upset and says she's apologised about the food thing and u should get over it. But as per reasons above its not just the food thing, to me this woman is strange, there's an issue somewhere and i don't trust her. I think she will manipulate my child as she grows up whilst he's in her care. She may have him in a few weeks while I go on a spa day, well she's offered to. I want to record her, in hope I might get something that proves she's got an issue.
I was finished at telling you sil you baby was hers after loosing a baby. Putting all else aside that is so hurtful to all involved and bat shit crazy! Wtaf is she thinking.
Put your foot down and stick to the 'no way is your crazy mother looking after our baby' stance
I don't think you need to record her. You have plenty of good reasons already. Just say no.
What does your partner say about the SIL's baby and nanny's boy comments? Does he not find them odd (especially the SIL baby thing)?
He said the SIL thing was a figure of speech, yeah right. He says the nannys boy thing is her being excited. He doesn't side with me on much of it and is very defensive of his mother. Hence why I feel my only option is this but it sounds crazy to me really.
There is absolutely no way I would leave my child with the person you've described. I'm not sure I could even be in the same room as her.
Would you accept a place at a nursery if you felt this uncomfortable about it? Because the same standards should be applied.
You shouldn't leave your child with anyone who you are not 100% sure will be the best setting for them - whether that is family or a paid setting such as a child minder.
And FWIW she sounds like an A1 nutter
Using family for childcare can be extremely difficult, and that's if you get on with them. No way would I let her anywhere near my DC unsupervised, never mind providing childcare.
I Could afford childcare but I'm in a Really difficult position. My partner is very close with his family, and he's not in agreement with me not wanting to leave her alone with him. Can I ask you guys what part u think is the worst from the things above? I just don't know anymore! This whole thing is causing me anxiety, my partner knows this but he thinks I am being too worried.
OP did you post about your MIL before? I remember the chocolate incident!
I'd record her 100%! But you need to think what do you want to get out of it? Are you worried she ll do something bad to your DC? Cause if this is the case you simply cannot take the risk!
Or you just want to prove to your dp that she's a weirdo?
All the way through your post I was thinking "no way!"
It seems your MIL has a lot of issues and the thing with SIL sounds weird and very unkind.
Letting MIL look after your DC will bring untold problems.
Perhaps you can get around it by saying you'd rather MIL get to spend quality time with your DC rather than have it as a "job" to be done.
Your DH needs to grow a pair and have words with MIL
The chocolate would be the worst thing for me - not the chocolate itself but the absolute refusal to respect your right to make decisions for your child. If she can't follow that, and won't even pretend she cares whether it upsets you or not, then she'll never follow any of your rules once she's in charge. All grandparents bend the rules a bit, I know my DM does, but this is ridiculous. I think you have to make a stand with your partner now or it will become a habit for him to take your MILs side in every disagreement about your DC and you will get increasingly upset/angry. My DM had a similar issue with her MIL (my dad just agreed with his mum for an easy life) and they almost split up over it.
I feel very sorry for your sil, this must be very hurtful for her.
Unfortunately the main problem is with your dp, as he cant see these weird things as an issue.
I wouldn't leave my DC with someone who behaved like this, but I know that dh would back me up, unless I was being unreasonable, but you have very valid points and he's not backing you up.
She doesn't respect you. That is your reason. She doesn't think that she has to follow your rules. Because of this you don't trust her to care for your son in the way you want. And you can't go back to work knowing he may be shoved full of Coke and chocolate despite saying no. Personally I wouldn't back down on this one.
Basically OP if you have a bad feeling don't do it! You should trust your instinct and you should do your best to convince your dp for your own sake! You'll go mental otherwise!
Don't try to satisfy her for the sake of it!
I'd stick with:
I'm not comfortable with it
I think it's a lot for MIL to take on
I think MIL would want to holiday etc during the year and I don't want her to be tied down
My DM would be envious
I'm not comfortable with it
It's a lot to ask
I'm not comfortable with it
I'd rather pay so I don't feel bad if there's a problem or it doesn't work out
I don't want to affect our relationship
I don't want to mix business with family
I'm just not comfortable with it
Rinse and repeat....
It is really hard but I think you need to tell your partner that, even if he doesn't fully understand, he needs to respect your feelings and support you in what feels right.
You shouldn't have to convince him, your feelings should be enough of a reason and he should back you up. Often when our gut feelings are telling us something we can't pinpoint why and that's OK - just trust the feeling.
We have the opposite situation. My mil is retiring this summer and wanted to do one day a week childcare for us when I go back to work. I was up for it but my dh said he'd rather not. We both trust his DM completely but he wanted to keep her as Grandma and not confuse issues by her being in a childcare role or put us in a position where we're reliant on her. I found it a bit frustrating as I would have been happy with it but I respected my dh's feeling and supported his decision.
I think the "nanny's boy" thing on its own would irritate me but not nearly as much as the chocolate thing. I get that older generations have different ideas about weaning (my Dad struggled to get his head round me waiting until 6 months and made comments from about 3 months but respected my choices). I'd be constantly worrying which other of your wishes she'd be disrespecting when you're not around if she's that bad when you're there. The SIL thing is on another level though. How did your SIL feel about it?
I'd also be annoyed with your DP, yes she's his mother but he needs to see how this is impacting on you and his child. Yours and the baby's needs come before his Mother's feelings and batshit behaviour.
I don't know which part of it is the worst - the SIL thing proves she's batshit and has no idea about how other people feel (your poor SIL - if someone had done that to me after my mc I'd have cracked up). However the chocolate thing shows her complete disregard for your parenting choices. PP had a great point - you wouldn't leave DC in the hands of a child minder who acted like this. I know it's not as simple as all that though as there are relationships you need to look after too. If I were you though, I wouldn't leave DC with her (regularly anyway) but you'll have to work hard to find a way to break it to her gently and also get your DH on-side.
In these circumstances I would find alternative childcare. She doesn't seem to like or respect you and will never stop the behaviour.
Its the fact that she doesn't respect you or your wishes, and is going to overide the lot when she is in sole charge. Personally I'd find a child minder or use a nursery. Insist that you think its better for your child to mix with other little ones which won't happen with mil.
I'd definitely not use mil. It's a crisis waiting to happen. Young children are better in a group setting IMO, not with a batty mil.
Listen to your instincts on this one. They are screaming at you and rightly so!
No way should you acquiesce to this.
Go with ewbank's suggestion and just repeat ad nauseam.
I wouldn't record her. It's very clear that you don't trust her to look after him and give him good, positive messages about mummy and daddy. This in and of itself is a good enough reason to make other childcare arrangements. I love my m-I-l but wouldn't want her looking after my baby full time instead of me. I think you need very well matched parenting styles and lots of trust to make grandparent care work.
Honestly OP I'd be saying she's not of sound mind and that would be the end of it for me,I would never let someone that behaved in that way look after one of my DC let alone a very young baby.
What would be the point of recording her if she goes and gives him coke she could make him really ill,recording her would prove you right but it wouldn't help your poor DS if she's given him something he's far to young to have and made him poorly.
Your partner needs to understand that your DS has to come first above everyone else!
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