DS hates me(9 Posts)
Me and DH both work full time. I spend slightly more time with the DC about two or three hours in the morning and usually a few hours just me and them on weekends.
DH has a much more extreme approach to parenting. Lots of
Mad really fun games, not much disciplining with very occasional unreasonable outbursts of him getting really pissed off with DS.
I'm much less fun, do drawing, stories silly games etc but not cool ninja super hero etc. and am quite firm often but never raise my voice.
DS won't listen to anything I say and is throwing a lot of Wobblies. I just asked him to calm down because it's bedtime. Was in DD cot throwing toys out. I took him out and said come on now it's DD bedtime lets play calmly. He went spare screaming for DH (not here) and won't talk to me. He went to his room, I gave it a few mins and said calmly come on get your pyjamas on and once DD is in bed we can play snakes and ladders together (fav game). No dice, just moaning and crying and doesn't want to do anything and just wants DH, occasional 'not fair'.
He is recently 4.
I usually don't pander and just ignore when he is like this with intermittent trying to talk calmly to him.
This is quite a good example of or standard relationship at the moment.
I feel very sad because he likes DH so much and not me. Which I know is pathetic and it doesn't really mean anything. But I need to figure out how to handle this and don't know where to start.
Your DH has opted for the popularity tart form of parenting, which always results in the PT losing their rag, because they think why the are you playing me up I give you/let you do what ever you want.
He probably hasn't even thought it through, so talk and form a co plan, which you implement jointly, work together , and remember that how ever bad it is from a four year old, if will be a hundred times worse from a fourteen year old bigger than both of you.
Keep it simple, reward positive behaviour, privileges(screens , anything non essential) are only available to children with good/ positive behaviour.
Explain to children this is what you will be doing.
Honestly you will be fine, because you have noticed the pattern, just form a battle/war plan, and you will gain control.
Does your son get much exercise when he is with you? We tend to be very active which wears the kids out so that there is not much messing at bedtime.
Drawing and reading might just be too passive for him so that the silliness and wiggles build up to overflowing.
Popularity does not at all have to equate to giving in to demands. Children like consistent calm parenting... But they also like what they like. In they same way as we have preferences as to how to spend our time so do children and maybe playing "ninja" is just more fun than drawing.
I do think you have to discuss these issues with your husband but your OP is not clear about what he would have done differently to you at the pinch point.
When you say " not much disciplining" what does that mean to you.
He does a lot of negotiating rather than no it's bedtime etc.
To be clear we don't just mooch about the house. I work FT so he's in nursery and childcare and doing a lot of activity in the day. On the weekends we go out a lot, I do lots of running around outside type playing just not as much at home.
My point is that ultimately DH is more fun than me and therefore preferred which is fine. But the hard part is that when DS doesn't get his way he wants DH.
Dh does lots of negotiating, I'm more authoritarian. Our children behave better for me although I expect it will work better for dh in the teenage years.
It sounds to me as if your ds is just testing the boundaries. Your boundaries. Of course he doesn't hate you - he's asking for daddy because he wants his own way and he knows it pushes your buttons.
As long as your husband isn't undermining you it doesn't really matter that you parent differently - you do more of it and children can get used to different approaches from different people very easily.
(Incidently, ds2 asks for me when he's messing his dad around at bedtime. God knows why - if I do show up he gets a rocket and straight to bed with no story. Actually, I do know why - it's a delaying tactic).
"the hard part is that when DS doesn't get his way he wants DH."
Honestly, you are taking this way to personally. He loves you but wants his own way.
No no I mean because he just screams for DH and won't listen to anything I say. Ie he thinks that if he can have the conversation with DH he will get his way. It is hard that way not hard on my feelings.
Ok, I'm glad I misunderstood. And would your dh back you up if he was there? If so, it might be worth you/he explaining this to your ds in this sort of situation. Very useful for kids to see you as a team.
On a separate note, have you tried bringing bedtime earlier? I find bedtimes go worse when dc are overtired.
We have an awful lot of "I don't like you mummy, I only like daddy" at the moment. But as soon as DH tells him something he doesn't want to hear, that gets reversed! Don't take it personally - kids will just profess to like whoever does/says what they want to hear at that age.
I also got yesterday "I don't want to go home, I want to stay and play at nursery." Normally I'd be a bit hurt by this but we'd been worried he wasn't happy at nursery since three of his best buddies moved up a room so I was actually delighted.
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