To be or not to be.

(8 Posts)
sugarplumfairy28 Thu 14-Jan-16 19:39:20

We have two children, DS is 6 (7 next week) and DD is 5 in April. We have always said we would like to have 3 children in total. We also said number 3 after DS starts school. Neither of our children have been planned planned, both wanted and the result of not being strictly careful, aka a few missed pills. The idea (no offence) of putting a label on it and saying we're trying makes the whole thing feel a bit clinical to me (I have a phobia of anything medical).

Having said that, since DS has started school there has always been a reason as to why not now, first off we emigrated in July 2014, adjusting, hubby being out of work (not is fault I might add) not to mention the snide remarks I get from my mother (who lives in a flat under house) about we better not have any more.

My concerns are, that there will be too bigger age gap, that one of the children will have to share their bedroom (even for a short period while we do some work on the house), that having one of each we risk making one or even both feel isolated.

Looking for any words of wisdom.

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Thu 14-Jan-16 23:07:21

About the clinical feeling - just go off the pill and see what happens - not exactly trying but not preventing.

Loads of kids share bedrooms. I shared a bedroom with my DSis for a while and if someone gave me a choice of having to share my bedroom for a while or not having my DSis, I'd opt for sharing my bedroom - that's what it boils down to.

The bigger age gap has good points and bad points, just like any age gap. Aforementioned DSis is a fair bit older than me, which meant we both benefitted from lots of 1:1 attention when we were little (I wasn't there when she was small, she was at school a lot when I was small), and our DM didn't have a toddler having tantrums while looking after a newborn - she had a kid who took an interest in the baby and was able to help out a bit (albeit a very small bit). I think the bigger age gap would also reduce the risks of any gender-based isolation.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but you sort of sound a bit like you don't really want any more. I think that's the more important thing here, you can definitely change your mind from what you planned out.

BackforGood Thu 14-Jan-16 23:40:10

I agree with everything wellies has said.
You can just decide to stop using contraception and see what happens - that's a world away from temperature taking / day counting / chart following clinically "trying" to conceive.

sugarplumfairy28 Fri 15-Jan-16 11:07:18

I think the problem is my mother lol. She lives downstairs and to be honest she thinks she is the queen of everything, all I have had for nearly 5 years is constant small lectures as to why I can't have 3 and with no-one else around saying anything to the contrary I feel like I have been brainwashed.

I keep being told I just want something to fuss, so I feel that now that we have 2 dogs, 10 cats, a fish tank and a bearded dragon it's more than that (although the ages of the animals range from 10 years to 6 months) and this deep rooted feeling is still there, it's not just wanting to fuss. Just as a side note I have a degree in animal management and none of my animals are neglected nor would they ever be.

Mum has told me I'd 'grow' out of it, but again 5 years on and I see friends having their children and I can't help but cry because I feel that I have lost a child I've never even had.

Mum told me I'd be being cruel and selfish to make one of the children share a bedroom, and she would know because she was one of 4 girls and I only have a brother.

That I simply wouldn't do it because I have this medical phobia and home births are not as straight forward here, and the language barrier. Plus lot's of other things she comes up with.

Despite all of that, I still have this dream of 3 children. Hubby is up for it, and is getting angry at how much my mum thinks she has a say. He has a brother who is 4 years older, and they have shared a bedroom and are still very close, even though we don't live in the same country anymore, in fact we lived with him when we only had DS.

I guess I just need some reassurance that my mother is just being unreasonably interfering and I'm not acting like a child.

BackforGood Fri 15-Jan-16 14:55:47

If your mother thinks it's SO terrible to have to share a bedroom with a sibling then maybe she will be willing to move out and give you more space? wink

Like your dh, I would think this is a decision for you and him, and is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

maybebabybee Fri 15-Jan-16 14:59:06

Mum told me I'd be being cruel and selfish to make one of the children share a bedroom

Your mum wants to get over herself, I am one of four and had to share a bedroom my whole life. Was totally fine, and I am a massive introvert.

sugarplumfairy28 Fri 15-Jan-16 17:02:32

Mum doesn't seem to be able to accept I'm not a child, even with 2 children a husband, have emigrated, have worked since I was 16 even if it was a weekend job when I was at college and uni. Because she only had 2 children, anything other than that is considered a direct proverbial 2 fingers up at her life choices.

It' been going on for so long, that I just need to vent these doubts she has put there, and feel like I have a much more rounded and well balanced head about it.

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Wed 20-Jan-16 00:34:27

You aren't alone in your DM thinking you're not a child! I will always be DM's 'baby' despite having a degree, a masters, a career, a marriage, a house and now a child of my own. She lives with us and the amount of times she's been annoyed that I haven't followed her parenting advice over the NHS's has been phenomenal! I think she's getting used to it now though, so I'm glad I didn't just cave whenever she rolled her eyes and went all silent. The only two people who have a say in this are you and your DH. Don't let her be the reason you don't have a third, as that will be no good for your relationship either.

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