7 year old son meeting his mum for the FIRST time!

(21 Posts)
CraigN2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 15:46:36

My son is 7 years old and has autism, global development delay and epilepsy and has never met his mum, simply because it's been his mums choice and gave him up the moment he was born, however due to my sons needs he doesn't understand.

However she has started trying to try and see him and at first I said NO and told her to clear off however now I am thinking every child deserves to know their parents ... Even if the parent is terrible! I have been in contact with his mum and said she can see him however she can't tell him she is his mum and she cannot be let alone with him ... I am scared stiff, I don't want her to let him down!
Has anyone got any tips/ advice with this? Thankyou!

mehbridezilla Mon 11-Jan-16 15:53:20

I'm surprised this can happen if your adoption is a formal,adoption, eg your son hasn't been adopted within the family. I have a son with ASD the same age and there's no way he'd be able to handle something as huge as this. Think very carefully.

mehbridezilla Mon 11-Jan-16 15:55:13

Sorry I think I may have misread, are you actually his dad? I think letting her see him but not letting in that she's his mum is a truly terrible idea.

OurBlanche Mon 11-Jan-16 15:57:13

Have you had any legal advice, Craig? Or any well being support?

I think your desire to let her see him but keep her identity form him is well meant, but may store up some unexpected problems for your son in the years to come.

Can you tell her no. not until you have sought advice from his whole support team and can put a framework in to support him?

Her needs, at this point, are of no interest whatsoever. You need to make sure that, whatever arrangements can be made are in your son's best interests.

Itisbetternow Mon 11-Jan-16 15:59:04

I'm not sure if I understand the question but I do believe that every child has a right to know of its biological mum.

PirateSmile Mon 11-Jan-16 16:01:04

There is an exception to every rule itisbetternow

Itisbetternow Mon 11-Jan-16 16:11:15

I agree.

OneWordTwoSyllables Tue 12-Jan-16 10:19:20

I agree that meeting mum but hiding her identity sounds like a bad idea.

I think we need to understand more about what makes her a "terrible" parent.

OurBlanche Tue 12-Jan-16 10:22:14

From the OP, I am guessing that walking away from a disabled kid on the day he was born, was the reason!

OneWordTwoSyllables Tue 12-Jan-16 10:51:49

I don't think you can label someone as terrible though. We don't know the context or what the situation was at the time.

I know, generally speaking, it sounds like an awful thing to do. We don't know anything about the mum's health or situation at the time.

I'm not defending her, I just think it would be helpful to hear more about the circumstances and why OP considers her to still be terrible as it sounds like she's trying to build up a relationship with her son now.

OurBlanche Tue 12-Jan-16 11:10:55

I can't, I don't know her. But OP does, and did!

I wouldn't ask for more details. It feels too nosy and it is possible to give good advice without knowing!

OneWordTwoSyllables Tue 12-Jan-16 11:18:05

I understand he can label her as terrible and I wouldn't argue against that as I don't know her either. I was never saying she shouldn't be called that. I was merely asking why she is as, in my opinion, it wasn't stated in the OP.

As terrible as leaving your child sounds to a lot of us, sometimes there are circumstances that mean it is for the best (certainly not saying that was the case here, I can't know that!). I'm assuming there has been more done/said that means she is still viewed as terrible. Without knowing what that is I wouldn't like to advise for or against contact or how that contact should be arranged. As I don't know what kind of person the contact will be with.

Just my opinion. If the OP doesn't want to divulge anymore, fair enough!

BarbarianMum Tue 12-Jan-16 12:32:09

How much does your son understand? Has he ever asked about his mother? Would he be excited about meeting her?

I would be wary of raising my child's expectations of a relationship only to have them dashed, if she's off once she's 'had a look'. To that extentstart off by telling him "mummy is coming to see you". But if she does start to be in regular contact with him then he will need to know that "X is your mummy."

I agree that she shouldn't be alone with him until he's comfortable with that and she can manage his needs.

TeenAndTween Tue 12-Jan-16 20:32:00

I'm an adopter.

Could you go with 'this is XXX she gave birth to you' rather than using the more emotive terms mother or mummy? That would be accurate but the term may go over your son's head? (Depending on his level of understanding of course)

I think letting the birth mum meet him would be an act of kindness to her, but maybe stress this will be a one off (or maybe yearly) unless she feels able to commit to try to build up to regular contact?

What would not be fair would be to let her drop in and out as she fancied, and have your son build up hopes/relationship only to be dropped.

CatWithKittens Wed 13-Jan-16 11:06:31

I hesitate to offer any advice myself but think if I was in your shoes I would want the best possible professional advice from a child psychologist with experience of autism and it may be that the National Autistic Society, with whom you may well already be in touch, will provide help in getting that advice or may have advice itself which is likely to be better evidence based and come from far greater experience even that the collective heads of Mumsnet members.

RevoltingPeasant Thu 14-Jan-16 21:34:19

Blanche I am no expert but surely you cannot tell that a just born baby has autism or GDD? I mean, by their nature aren't they things you find out when the baby is older, a toddler even?

If so the mother probably had no idea her son was disabled.

I also don't think it makes you a terrible mother to say you can't keep your baby and look after it well, or to walk away. I also don't think it stops you being a mother. You may not be the child's ONLY mother but you are still a mother.

Let's not forget lots of women experience PND, postpueral psychosis, and MH is not exactly well resourced. Walking away could be the act of a monster. Or, the act of a desperately sad and ill woman who thought she was doing the best for her baby.

CuttedUpPear Thu 14-Jan-16 21:38:18

Are you saying that she gave him up because of his needs? I didn't realise they could be diagnosed at birth.

You could also clarify whether you are his biological or adoptive father for us to get the whole picture.

Noeuf Thu 14-Jan-16 21:40:05

I was thinking the same as Revolting Peasant, unless the conditions are part of a wider syndrome that's easily identified early on?

Itisbetternow Fri 15-Jan-16 15:41:40

Yes I agree with RevoltingP. As I said at the start we don't have enough facts. A woman that walks away from their baby isn't always terrible.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 15-Jan-16 15:48:03

It's not clear what the op's relationship is with the child either

Op are you the child's dad?Adoptive parent? Grandparent?

Whatever you are it sounds like one hell of a thing to handle so I wish you good luck

CraigN2016 Wed 20-Jan-16 14:03:26

Sorry I haven't been able to reply until now as we have has family problems however she gave him up because she " desperately wanted a princess" we didn't know he was a bou until he was born because he was very stubborn and always had his legs crossed! The moment he was born she handed him over and told us she didn't want to see us. Since the birth of my son she has had a girl that she spoils however she has just started to show interest in my son and I am not happy about it however every child deserves to see their " mum".

I am his biological father.

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