dealing with other people's reactions about having an only child

[debido]

I'm quite new - and this is my first post. Its about only children. I have an only DS - just 4. It's not through choice really but I am coming to terms with it just about and in myself feel content with DS, feel stretched enough with him and DS is happy.

Finding it really hard dealing with other people's reactions to him being an only. Each time it gets to me that bit more and I feel so guilty and makes me feel that every 'bad' thing he does is due to him being an only. ie a friend came with her daughter aged 3 and baby son 5 months and ds was stand-offish at first, my friend kept on about DS being an only. Yet her DD didnt seem that interested in playing with DS in any case.

Another friend goes on about isnt it lonely for DS at christmas being the only child.

DH and I spend loads of time with DS, yet even there, this same friend commented that it's not good for DS. We do try really hard to get him to see his friends too, but obviously he spends more time with us as a family.

Dont know what I mean to say really except I dont know how to deal with other people's reactions to ds being an only child. Especially when we dont know anyone else with an only child.

Thanks for reading this far.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Well, there are 'pro's' and 'cons' for singletons and siblings. I dont think there is any real 'detriment' to a child not having siblings.

To be perfectly honest, your friend sounds like a total nob and you should probably start to distance yourself from her.

[BudaBauble]

Hi debido

I have one DS who is 5. Not through choice either. Am hoping to do IVF again in Jan/Feb though at 42 am not too hopeful. So DS may well be an "only". Haven't had any negative comments from friends as most of them know why he is an "only". DH happy for him to be an only as he was one himself and it never bothered him.

My Dad suggested we get a dog to keep DS company!

Your friend sounds as if she is fishing for info if she doesn't know WHY you have one child or just bloddy insensitive if whe does!

[Saturn74]

My sister gets lots of hassle from other family members because her child is an only child.
She gets told that her child will not be socially adept, because she doesn't have to learn to share etc.
I get hassle because my children are home educated, and I get told that they will become social outcasts because they don't spend all day in a classroom.
My children, and my sister's child are all bright, friendly, polite, sociable and happy children.
There will always be people who feel it is appropriate to criticise parental choice.
They are the ones who have to deal with their own opinions. We are the ones who have to practise smiling politely!
Ignore, ignore, ignore - and then ignore some more!

[GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille]

I think there are many only children and tbh don't see why there shouldn't be. It's different from having siblings but I can't see any argument that it is better or worse. It isn't difficult for children to socialise with other children of all ages through school, family friends, neighbours etc etc so need not impact badly on their social skills and friendships.

in fact quite often only children are very good at amking friends and sharing etc because they have less conflict with siblings.

Don't worry, don't feel defensive and enjoy your ds.

Friend is talking balls.

[olittletownofberolina]

I will follow this thread with interest. I have ds, 18 months, am hopeful for more but miscarried twice this year, so although I am still optimistic I do sometimes think about what if ds stays an 'only'.

Your 'friends' sound insensitive, prejudiced or both, debido. As long as your ds has regular contact with other children, which he does, I honestly don't think there'll be any issues with him being lonely, learning to share etc. Rise above it as far as possible - I'm your your ds is a very happy little boy.

[olittletownofberolina]

HC and [admiration]. I would love to home ed ds when the time comes, as I'm not happy with the German school system, but here you don't just have to educate, you actually have to, by law, send your children to school.

[Saturn74]

Yes, I knew school was compulsory in Germany.
I'm assuming that you have much better support for children with dyslexia in your school system though?
(Let's face it, it couldn't be any worse than here! )

[olittletownofberolina]

HC - no personal experience, but anecdotally, no, sorry. I have big problems with the whole school system here. (I teach trainee teachers atm).

[Saturn74]

[debido]

everyone - lovely comments and already made feel better. Yes I do need to develop a thicker skin.

My friend does know why we have just the one.

I think partly this also stems from me feeling lonely and not having many friends - tending to rely on people I have known for a long time to see socially but maybe not have much in common with now.

it is good to read of positive things about only children.

I think I need to make more friends and move away from the people I see now cos they do make me feel low.

[GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille]

i can't understand people who make you feel upset because you aren't a mirror image of themselves.

Probably a good idea to expand you r circle a bit, there are plenty of people who would love to meet you and make friends.

We don't need people to drag us down with petty and foolish comments.

[BuffysMum]

TBH I think you should respond to comments with "Yes it would be lovely for x to have siblings if only we lived in a world where we could have what we want, I am so fortunate that at least we do have a lovely son" or something similar, something that you can say in front of your son without him thinking he may not be enough and that is why you would have liked more.

HTH

[gigwig]

Hello debido

I too have one DS - also he is 4!. Like you not through choice, DH isnt atall bothered by it although I was and sometimes still am.

I have had some quite personal and what felt like spiteful comments from people. I dont see those people now.

Please dont let other people's comments get your down.

[CatBert]

As has been said before on threads such as these - it seems the stress of parentdom in all its forms is continually being added to by people who feel that it is their right to make unsolicited comments on the choices (or not, regardless of whether they understand a situation) of...

whether you have ANY children
why you have only one
if you have 2 of same sex whether you are "going to try for a boy/girl
if you have 2, whether you will have a third and if you won't why? and if you do "are you mad"
if you have 3 or more "are you insane"

The answer to ALL these rude comments should be something really witty and clever like "fuck off and keep your comments to yourself"...

Usually they result in a polite smile from mothers/fathers and an addition to the angst and guilt you already feel just by having/not having children... REALLY don't know why people feel the need to comment.

As Batters says - you really have to develop a thicker skin. YOUR life is your own. So WHAT if you have another child or not - it's YOUR family, and YOUR life. These people certainly won't be around handing out medals if you do, and won't be there to help out.

I for one have 2. But even I spend a lot of time pondering how DD1 would be if I hadn't added to our family so soon, quite by mistake... I had masses of guilt at not being a good enough mum, because I was struggling with a newborn baby when she was not even 2 yet.

Gah. I got over it. However, here I am again - struggling with the purely hormanal and emotional yearning for another, stacked against the impractibility of having another and the fact I don't think I could manage, or am I enjoying life with no nappies and buggies so much I am being too selfish for another? Oh "What IF" regarding the unborn siblings I could produce.

None of us are immune to these comments. I do believe, however, that by having a child, regardless of how many, we are already on a path which makes us better, more empathetic and less selfish human beings. You only need one to make that so.

[jenkel]

Both DH and I are only children and it looked for a very long time that we would have only 1, DD was conceived after lots of IVF, eptopic etc. And we were more than happy to only have one. Then DD2 came along totally unplanned.

When I was pregnant with DD2 I had lots of problems coming to terms with it as crazy as it may seem. How could I love another child as much as DD1, are we being unfair in having another child. I know this may sound crazy but I was an only child and I never had to see my parents share their love for me with any other children. But it did all work out lovely.

When I was growing up I can never remember feeling sad that I had no siblings, I had a wonderful childhood, wasnt spoilt, had a huge group of friends and cousins. Mum said there were always children in the house (she desperatly wanted more but couldnt get pregnant again).

Sounds a very strange friend to criticise you over having an only child.

I'm sure your son will grow up perfectly happily and well balanced, enjoy him and dont put pressure on yourself.

[poinsettydog]

You know, some people can't help having a little go at friends with fewer children than themselves because they think their ffriends have it easier. And that is daft because they chose to have more and some choose to have one.

And some people are unable to empathise at all and will not be able to keep their gobs shut and understand that sometimes there are painful reasons why others only have one (or no) child.

It's a pretty stupid thing to do no matter what the reason for it. I can think of lovely aspects to having one child the same as there are lovely aspects to having two, three etc.

[cruisemum1]

my dd is 9 next month and we have just had our 2nd baby. We had given up on any sibling arriving and she was perfectly happy as an only child. We always had loads of playdates for her and she was well socialised in and out of school. We never found it a problem and neither did she. She absolutely adores her baby brother but she is no happier than she was before. Tell your mate to stuff off!!

[Blu]

debido - hello and welcome to MN!

So sorry you are having to deal with such rude and opinionated people - I'm afraid it is one of the occasional hazards of a one-child family as others have said. but of course, like any parent - child situation, no-one can make any generalisations about any particular children. I am lucky - my Ds is sociable, was sharing happily from a very young age, we're happy with the way our family is! There are as many of his friends who have heaps of siblings who are 'less sociable' as there are relaxed, sharing, sociable types! You can't generalise about spoiling, precocity, oe even if it is easier to have more to play with eachother, or whether that is cancelled out by the quarelling and referreeing thst might happen! No-one can generalise, and your friend may find that to her cost before long, anyway!

But you know what? I bet even if you had more children, your friend would be finding something else to be competitive / judgemental about! Some people just feel the need to do that...not on MN, not ever, of course.....but it's just another variation on a general hazard of parenting.

I can see that it must feel much more raw when it wasn't your preferred choice not to have more - it's easy for me, I can just think 'oh eff off you judgemntal nosey bat' - but tougher for you because it does hit a nerve. Tell her that it does hoit a nerve.

Enjoy your lovely ds and your happy family, and even if you can't stop your own feelings about what might have been, stop listening to the rude and ignorant on the subject!

[ParanoidSurreyHousewife]

I suspect that things should change when ds is at school. Firstly there are likely to be other only children there, and the children's relationships are less based on family set-up, and more on the children themselves.

But it does sound as if your friend is just plain insenstive and you may need to grow into some other friendships - again school may be a help here.

[fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares]

debido, I have one DS (3) and it will be staying that way. I honestly have never come across anyone who has made any derogatory comments about having an only one and my friends would never dream of it because they are just that, my friends. In fact they often say, jokingly of course, if they had to choose again they would think about having one and go on to cite all the pros of having one child, never the cons ( of which I am not sure if there actually are any). If your friends or people you know feel that they should criticise then just give them a wider berth if it genuinely bothers you.

[brimfull]

I have two children 11 yrs apart so dd was essentially an only child .She loved it .Ds was a surprise (and shock) to us.Gave up trying when dd was 5 because of the stress ,but I came to terms with her being an only child and we felt very blessed to have her.I did get a few comments like ,"she's very happy for an only child isn't she?"

FFs do they expect all only children to be morose mini adults?!

She was and is a very confident social child,she has quite a few friends who are only children,it is becoming more common apparently.
Think your friend is being really insensitive ,I would say something asking her to keep her comments to herself.Bloody rude imo.

[RantInEMinor]

I also have one ds aged 4 and am often accosted by relatives who think it very sad that my ds is a "lonely only". My dad and my dh are both only children and they are the most grounded, self-sufficient people I know and they also both have many more friends than the average person. My mother on the other hand came from a family of 5 sisters NONE of whom speak to each other any more.

There is nothing wrong with having one child and bollocks to anybody that says otherwise IMO.

[ChablisGlugger]

Hi there Debido

You're 'friend' sounds like an insensitive cow! It could even be that she's actually a tad envious; having just the 1 child is (I assume) easier to manage than having more than 1, and perhaps she's just trying to make herself feel better by having a go at you! Whatever, she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I'm an only child and have had comments made by various people throughout my life - but I just attribute that to them being flawed individuals! I actually had my ex-boyfriend's parents tell me that only children could never integrate properly - even though my ex and his 2 siblings all had major social problems (and I don't!!!).

I have 1 ds, and am not sure yet whether we'll try for any more. So long as I make sure he's brought up around other children, is taught the importance of sharing, etc, then I know he'll turn out just fine. My parents always laugh at the supposed selfishness of only children - apparently, I used to give my Christmas and birthday presents away to my friends - much to their annoyance!

There is no right or wrong with the only child situ - just make sure that whichever path life gives you works for you! (and ditch the 'friend'!)

CG

[franke]

Haven't read the whole thread, but ime whether your child is stand-offish (I prefer 'shy' myself) is nothing to do with whether they're an only child or not. Maybe your ds just didn't like this girl! I think this is your friend's issue and shouldn't become yours.

From what you have said, you have very clear and well-thought-out reasons for not having any more and that is all that should matter to you and your family. I know it's hard not to be affected by others' (ignorant) attitudes but do try to rise above it and certainly don't feel you have to justify yourself to anybody.