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[cheekymonk]

Hi There,Hope everyone is ok!
I would be grateful for some advice. An uncle of mine recently died and I attended the funeral with ds aged 22 months against my mum's advice. I was well prepared and we managed to survive it even with praise on how well behaved ds was. Trouble is was I selfish to take him? My mum feels I shouldn't have taken him and that it was distressing for him. I obviously didn't take him to the the crematorium but attended the wake where I ran after him for 2 hours. What do people do- accept that you cannot attend some events or go with it knowing how difficult it will be? I just felt so alone as my husband was away and my family were giving support to the immediate family. A friend helped me thank god, I couldn't have done it without her but I just felt torn between trying to support my family/show respect and being a good mum?

[Mumpbump]

I doubt a 22 month old would really understand what was going on. It might have been difficult, but it sounds like ds behaved well, so I don't see that any harm has been done...

[cheekymonk]

Thanks for answering mumpbump, sometimes you just need another opinion!

[bluejelly]

I agree, there's no way a 22 month old would have a clue what's going on
DOn't worry about what happened, it's done now

[cheekymonk]

Its awful as I am on a loser really. My mum and I differ on parenting but I secretly always seek her approval! Thanks bluejelly

[tissy]

was he distressed? If he wasn't, what's the problem? I've taken my dd to funerals, and I think some of the mourners like to see kids around- reminds them that life goes on!

[DizzyBinterWonderland]

i think what you did is fine. death is part of life and i do find it daft that people try to hide it from children.

[cheekymonk]

He wasn't distressed at the service, no and when he was overtired at the wake I took him home.
I do try and find a balance between protecting him but not lying to him about life...

[shouldbedeckingthehalls]

I don't see why you can't take small children to funerals. I'm not sure how I'll handle it as mine get older (and perhaps more likely to be upset), but I took my dd to my Grandfather's funeral when she was about 22mths and then a couple of years later took dd (almost 4 by then) and then also ds (18mths at that time) to my other Grandfather's funeral. I didn't feel it was necessary to exclude them and although I explained we were going to church to say prayers and remember great-grandad that's as far as I took it. There was no need in either case for them to go to the burial and neither of them were upset or worried or have asked much about it since. Lots of other people at the services were very pleased to see children there as it showed new life contiuning within the family. At the 2nd funeral a church warden was on hand to provide some colouring to sit and do on a pew which was a great help!

[doyouwantfrankincensewiththat]

I think your children are as much a part of that persons life as any other person there, and funeral's are 'better' if they are a celebration of a persons life.

When my mum was dying my SIL refused to let my nieces see her (they were 10 & 12) to say good bye. I was more upset by that because it was her decision not theirs.

[cheekymonk]

Thank you for those last 2 posts- I found them helpful and reassuring.

[doyouwantfrankincensewiththat]

glad to hear that cheekymonk - when I've been to funerals surrounded by family & friends, nieces, nephews, children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren I've had a sense of a life well lived surrounded by people they loved who loved them back.