Feel like I can't cope and I just want to put my fingers in my ears, run away, dump DD at her Granny's anything just to not have to hear the screaming anymore

(19 Posts)
NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 10:08:32

My DD is SO high needs and has been every since she was born..I thought it might get better and easier but it isn't ! She has started sleeping through the night after a brutal 1 year of awful broken nights sleep for me and now I feel just about able to hold it together in the day time & have some sort of life outside of being a Mum but me and DD's Dad split up about 3 months ago and after a year of dealing with a high needs baby, breastfeeding constantly, no sleep, a bipolar unmedicated addicted to weed borderline abusive boyfriend I am at my wits end.I am trying to hold it together for my DD but I am increasingly finding it hard to even cope with a whole of her on my own. I can't do any house work, eat, clean, get dressed, go for a wee, do anything on my own without her screaming at me in tears for daring to do anything that doesn't involve her or focus around her. I am just fed up with the constant screaming and now she is refusing her morning nap and only sleeping half an hour and I cannot cope if she drops this nap now...She has extreme separation anxiety and has done ever since she was born and it's not stopping...I am just in demand all the time, all the time. Breastfeeding all the time, I tried to stop but she had huge tantrums and I couldn't handle the 5 am wake ups on my own without breastfeeding. I am struggling to keep the house clean, keep myself sane, do food shopping, worrying about money as I basically cannot afford to live and missing me DP terribly even though he was awful to me...of course he's being really nice now though. I just don't know what to do. She's screaming (quite unconvincingly actually for once) as I have turned the hall light on opened her bedroom door so she knows I am here but I have left her to play with her teddies in her cot for a few minutes whilst i compose myself. I was literally just rocking and crying on the floor. I don't know what to do !!!!! :-( I feel like a shittest Mum and most incapable idiot in the world. I'm sure a lot of other Mums cope with worse than this but she just won't be happy on her own for even a second with me !!!! Her Granny is always telling me what an angel she is at her house...of course she is because Granny doesn't have to do any housework or eat she just gives DD her full attention 100 % of the time all the time. Maybe she should just go and live there so I can have a bloody break and lie in bed and cry for a week !!!!!

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 10:16:45

of course i love her more than anything in the world ....i just am finding it all too much now, i feel like i've been holding it together for so long i just can't deal with her like this anymore. she's 15 months by the way ....

dontaskdonttell Tue 20-Oct-15 10:19:49

That all sounds so unbelievably hard, I'm not surprised you're struggling. I have no real advice, but didn't want to read and run.

If you need to stop your dd at your mums, do it! You need some time to be you, as well as mummy. My 15 month old can be clingy at times, nothing like your dd by the sounds of it. To get things done I put fireman Sam on for half an hour. Is there a programme she likes?

Deep breaths... You're not a bad mum at all, it's a hard age but this will pass thanks

dontaskdonttell Tue 20-Oct-15 10:20:11

Drop your dd off, not stop!!

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 10:20:16

I meant I am finding it hard to cope with a whole day with her on my own. Her Dad does come for a couple hours either in the evening or in the morning. I know I've got it better than most. He is a really present Dad but even with him helping I am finding it so hard. I shouldn't be finding it this hard I should just deal with it. I know. I feel so weak and so awful.

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 10:22:41

I do put the TV on for her to get stuff ready to go out sometimes...but I feel guilty and I don't want to do it that often..It also doesn't work that well always - I have to put her into her highchair whilst she's watching it (it's a baby bjorn one so she can't climb out of it) otherwise she will just follow me around the house crying anyway. If she's in the highchair and TV on she usually doesn't notice if I leave the room for a minute.

dontaskdonttell Tue 20-Oct-15 10:27:22

Could you ask your health visitor to come round to talk? They can be helpful, give you some ideas perhaps.

you're dealing with a lot, it's ok to ask for help.

Do you get outside with her most days? I have 2 ds's, one is 2.5 and one is 15 months. If they are having a bad day, I take them out in the afternoon for a little walk or to the park, even just to the shop for a lolly pop. Have you got a garden?

sounds like you need to break the day up a bit, does your dd nap?

PositiveAttitude Tue 20-Oct-15 10:28:27

It sounds really tough for you. It is unrelenting and it feels as if it will last forever. If your mum will take DD for a few hours please let her. Then go home, feet up, cup of coffee and a bit of cake. The housework can wait and will still be there another day. Perhaps your mum could take DD a couple of times a week - one for you to totally relax and one time for you to have a chance to whip the hoover round, or whatever. It sounds as if she would be willing to help. It is no negative on you if you take up the help. You need it!! You have been coping with loads on your own with a demanding toddler. Once you can have that breather you will be able to then come back to DD and give her what she needs and wont feel as if you are not coping.

thanks cake brew just for you.

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 10:34:21

She's just always trying to climb on me I feel like she wants to get back inside me !! ha. If I sit on a chair at the table trying to do something even like just eat my breakfast she has to be sitting on me and she has to put her fingers in my breakfast and be fed my breakfast even if she already had her breakfast and said 'finished'. She's just always whining to be on me pretty much all the time ! I can't even sit down for a minute without her there pulling on me and whining. I try and include her in what I'm doing if I'm doing a job but she still cries and screams and whines as I walk from room to room even if I am talking to her saying 'lets do this' and telling her what I'm doing. She's ok if I carry her but she's 15 months now and over 11kg I can't carry her around all day I've tried and I just end up doing my back in after a few days. I want to encourage her to be independent and feel confident on her own to play independently - I've got 10 years nannying experience with toddlers and babies and she is by far the most demanding, most high needs, most clingy baby I have even experienced. I thought by being at home with her and being close that I would help give her confidence to be her own person but I feel like I've done something wrong. I try and ignore her and say "Mama's eating right now I can't read you that book now, when I have finished eating I will" etc and just communicate with her a lot. But I don't know if that helps. Even if she is playing nicely for a minute if I dare leave the room or stop 'watching' her she just screams and follows me out of the room after a minute. So i have to always stay in the same room as her as I just cannot handle the screaming anymore. She had this obsessive thing recently where she always wanted to lean on the pram and fiddle with the straps intensely whilst babbling and it was really cute but then she would have a huge tantrum if I was to move away from her or stop 'listening' to the babbling...she was just not content to do it on her own, as soon as I gave her my attention again she'd be happy and resume the babbling for like 20 minutes. So I just ended up sitting on the floor listening to her which was sweet but I just found it so strange that she would have a huge tantrum if my attention was not 100% on her even though she was enjoying herself and supposedly 'in her own world'. I make sure she has stuff to stimulate her, snacks, water, cuddles, love, stories, fresh air, lots of different experiences, everything and she just never seems happy with me. She's happy at her Granny's but whatever I do at home it's never enough for more than 5 minutes. Even as a newborn she was like this - We couldn't lay in bed with her for more than 10 mins after she had woke up and just entertain her or cuddle her we had to get up and walk around the house with her and show her lots of different things to distract her. She's just always been a 'not happy with life' kind of baby. It's so exhausting and she's getting slightly better but just very slowly and it's got me to my wits end. I can't head anymore screaming today or I think I might just throw myself under a bus.

dontaskdonttell Tue 20-Oct-15 10:40:24

If I was in your shoes, I'd be calling my health visitor or seeing a professional who could help

CocktailQueen Tue 20-Oct-15 10:44:23

That doesn't sound normal to me. I'd make an urgent appt with my HV or GP. I don't know how you've manged so long... sounds very very hard. flowers

Getyercoat Tue 20-Oct-15 10:58:16

That sounds very hard.

Utilise the fact that her dad is around. For the times he's with her
do your grocery shopping, batch cook a few dinners, drink tea, have a bath, watch some TV in peace.

And your mum too. Can she take your DD for a couple of hours every few days? You can then schedule something for yourself, a swim, a run, something for you.

I know that feeling of suffocation where you feel you can do nothing. It does get better.

Getyercoat Tue 20-Oct-15 11:00:07

By the way, at around 15 months DS stopped two naps and instead went for a nap at around 11-12 for over an hour, sometimes two. It was amazing.... He had never napped for longer than 45 minutes before then.

DaggerEyes Tue 20-Oct-15 11:04:03

I've been there. It was without a doubt, the worst time of my life bar nothing. I hated life, I woke up and my heart sank when I realised I had to live through another day. Actually, my hv was amazing, just having an understanding ear (ie, not nana who thinks the sun shines out of the backside of the little terror) and being able to rant without being given odd looks was so helpful!
It was like my DC hated being, well, them. What worked for me, was parenting courses. It gave me that focus I needed to maintain that fake cheerful veneer, I made the extra effort to praise good behaviour (on the rare occasions it happened) because I knew I had class in a few days where I could brag about discuss my efforts that week. It took about a month of faking being cheerful and breezy before I noticed an actual change in the personality of my DC, but it's soooooo hard when you are already on your knees. I also made an effort to work out real crying, and noise. I mostly talked over fake crying, and comforted real crying. It's hard though.
The worst thing was that everyone else seemed to think I was lying about how hard it was!
I know you are telling the truth, I've been there. Xx

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 11:06:30

cocktailqueen - what doesn't sound normal to you ? thanks for reply smile

dontaskdonttell - Yes i take her out every morning after her first nap - she has 2 naps a day still. We got to playgroup, soft play, park, sandpit etc. Then we have packed lunch out usually which I prepare whilst she is napping in the morning. I usually use this time to get myself ready, the nappy bag and lunch ready, do a tiny bit of housework eg washing or washing up. Then after her 2nd nap we read stories, breastfeed, have snack, play in the house then I usually have to take her out again to the park or round the block for a walk (i let her walk) before dinner so she gets more fresh air as she gets restless in the house . She is very clever, says loads of words...everyone who met her would describe her as a happy baby and very advanced...she is very happy in social situation when all the family are around and she has a lot of attention on her and a lot of stimulation. I feel like just me is never enough. Obvioously I am feeling very low today and she's been ill and been teething so everything has been worse so it's not as black and white as I;m saying like she's not ALWAYS 100% of the time like that. But most of the time ! I can recall very few moments where I've been able to do much autonomosly (I knw i spelt that wrong typing quickly) without her screaming. And it seems like every time i go for a wee she is running to me and screaming and crying loads even when she sees me on the loo and I'm like "hello I';m here! it's ok!" this is even when I prepare her like I said "Mama's going for a wee now" etc so it's not like I just walk out of the room and am suddenly gone. I don't know what I'm going to do when she only has 1 nap a day, I;ve been dreading it !

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 11:08:44

Also her Granny who has her sometimes (one afternoon a week at the mo) is my ex's Mum. My family are not here in London...I miss them. And I'm the first of my friends (I'm 26) to have a baby so I don't really have anyone to hang out with day to day with DD. I have tried to make Mum friends but one of them has just moved away and one of them is so flaky and her son has an opposite nap schedule to DD so I rarely see her,,,, I do sometimes work 1 day a week and I haven;t cos they haven't needed me the last 3 weeks..maybe that is why I am finding it so hard as well because I haven't had much time out away from her.

CocktailQueen Tue 20-Oct-15 11:11:07

Nancy - I'd be concerned at the level of clinginess, and the fact she has always been like this, I think. Often dc go through stages where they are more clingy/suffer separation anxiety more than usual, but I don't think it's common for it to be so bad constantly.

Most dc are able to amuse themselves for short periods by this age and don't need constant reassurance/attention - we'll, you'd know that, with your nannying experience!

If you feel that just 'you' is not enough for her, how about seeing if she could go to nursery a couple of mornings a week? She's have plenty of stimulation there and you'd get a break (but can imagine that she may find it hard to settle if she is so clingy).

Hufflepuffin Tue 20-Oct-15 11:30:27

That sounds really tough. I don't think there's anything abnormal going on though.

My 15 month old has times like this when he's crabby and I put him on my back in a carrier like an ergo (mine is the boba) and it's so nice because he's getting the closeness he craves but I can get on with stuff and (most importantly!) have a bit of brain space because he's content. It took a bit of practice to get him on my back on my own but it's really easy once you figure it out - is there a sling library near you, someone could show you?

NancyPiecrust Tue 20-Oct-15 15:30:37

I feel a bit better now we managed to get out of the house & spent some time at the sandpit. She was much happier. I just think she is a really high needs baby. Just found the high needs thread and I feel so much better having read it and realising I am not alone and there are loads of other babies like that out there and parents struggling similarly. I just wish there was a solution to her clingyness. Maybe it's just how she is. Maybe one day she will just start playing on her own and then I will be sad she doesn't want me to join in....I just find it really hard not having that hour in the morning when she's napping to get myself together, have some head space and get everything ready so we are ready to go out. It's stressful having to get ready with her as she is so whiny and impatient and demanding. It's much better when I just have everything ready and we can just get out of the house. I guess when she is having 1 nap I will just have to try and get up before she gets up..If she manages to consistently sleep until 6.30 (please god) then that is doable & will make me feel less stressed and more on top of everything. It's such a helpless feeling feeling so disorganised (I'm a Capricorn so it's so horrible for me to feel like that!) It makes me feel really incapable and her cries and screams just paralyse me and make me unable to think straight. It's always been like this.

I've realised I really do need to work 1 day a week for sure, for my own sanity. And I need to schedule my MIL to have her Tuesday afternoons (she's going there this afternoon when she wakes up from nap) and Thursday mornings. My MIL loves having her. My DD loves it. And I sorely need the time to regroup/do housework/batch cook/try and do some work from home. She;s also afraid of the hoover and screams whenever it's on so I can never hoover when she's home ! HAHA. Oh god. So I just need to make that a regular thing and not feel guilty about it.

Because we are still living at her Dad's house (he is living at his Mum's for now) it's tricky with doing stuff when he's here - usually when he's here I just either sleep in the morning (amazing) with the door closed and he explains to her Mama's sleeping and she's ok with that. Or in the evening I go out to the gym or just do the washing up but usually I try and give him time with her alone or he takes her to his Mum's on the weekend. But when I move to my own house soon it will be more simple. I think she might be too little to sleep in two diff houses regularly though ? I'm just very stressed about £ too with the house move and setting up on my own..having to buy new furniture, new stuff for house etc. But my landlords are being amazing and part-furnishing the house so I shouldn't complain. I just need some help and some space and maybe counselling again to cope with it all. I don't think she's ready for nursery unfortunately...Maybe when she's 2.

Thanks for all responses ! blush smile

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