First post! Struggling with Grandparents overbearing/interfearing, at wits end!

[nursenicole83]

This rears its head periodically in our family. My Mum and Dad live close and we are close, they have always been around if I've needed anything and I am very appreciative of that.

However, every now and then they will make a decision that's really not their place to make or I feel they have gone behind my back with a decision or like last night I make a decision and tell them what and why and they basically tell me I'm wrong and make me doubt my judgement as a parent and make me second guess myself.

To make matters worse, the kids stepdad, Steve, who is normally laid back ends up getting upset because we are trying to make these decisions together but when my parents do this he feels like they are interfering because they think were not making wise choices, this makes him feel bad but doesn't feel he can talk to them about it because they're my parents, so I end up stuck in the middle and feel torn between the kids, my parents and my partner.

I haven't really tried to talk to them about how I feel because I am so appreciative and don't want to come across as 'butt out you're interfering' because I do want them to be involved.... just not take over!

I feel so exasperated by it all, any advice?

[Seeline]

last night I make a decision and tell them what and why and they basically tell me I'm wrong and make me doubt my judgement as a parent

Don't discuss it with them - you don't have to explain the reasoning behind your decisions. If they have to know that you have made a decision, then just tell them the decision. If they start to query it, tell them that you and your DP have discussed the pros and cons and this is the result. Don't discuss it further.

I think you probably need to take a step away from your parents, and rely on your DP a bit more. By explaining everything to them, you are virtually inviting them to pass comment.

[gandalf456]

I agree. That is what I have had to do with my family. I find too many opinions from other people confusing, too, and it clouds my own judgement. I just make the decision privately with DP and then tell them what we've done when it's too late for any meddling.

[nursenicole83]

I would love to do that but as the boys are close to them, ( we live half a mile away and they pop in and out on the way home from school etc) if anything is going on they will chat to my parents about it... I rarely ask for there opinion/help but once they know about an issue they are on the phone.
eg the oldest chose a music option at school but not getting on well, they offered to help him find a guitar to buy with his savings after he spoke to them about it, I said no, we needed to talk to the teacher about the issues and he needed to put in more effort, my dad said he thought I was making the wrong decision and bid on ebay for a guitar, although he didn't win the item I felt really upset he had done that against my wishes and cant just leave me to deal with it.
If they are unaware me and partner happily discuss and get on with issues.

[Seeline]

In that case - you really need to tell them how you feel. They probably consider that they are 'just helping' and do not realise that it makes you feel undermined and annoyed.
Also be firm - 'No Dad, we don't want to do anything until we have discussed all the issues with DSs teacher, after all they are the experts. If there is anything you can do to help after that, I'll let you know'.

[nursenicole83]

Thanks Seeline, will try that out :D