Pregnant with my fourth and DS3 only 6 months old - any help, advice or reassurance desperately appreciated!!

[xxyummymummy28xx]

So I just found out I'm pregnant with my fourth child. My oldest turns 7 soon, DD2 is 4 (starting school next month) . . . but my current youngest is only 6 months old. This was in no way planned and actually conceived while using contraception (as was DD1). I'm in a stable marriage with their dad, but like many men . . .he doesn't do a lot! I'm just so worried about how I will cope. It will be a big strain financially and we'll have to move before it's born. When I found out, my first thought was that I had no choice, I'd have to have a termination . . . which I know is what my husband would like me to do. I have an appointment booked Monday, but I'm more and more sure I can't go through with it. Anyone else been in a similar situation with this many kids and this small an age gap? Help! xxx

[ffffffedup]

No advice as such but just a bit of moral support. If you don't want a termination then don't have one, although scary I'm sure you'll manage you've done it 3 times already you can do it again. Do you have any other family support around? My dc are similar ages to yours and my dh works very long hours so isn't really hands on at all, if I were pregnant again I'd probably feel the same as you. It will be a struggle but I'm sure you'll get through it.

[MrsBojingles]

Again no advice, just support. I've had friends in similar situations- done having kids then surprise pregnant with twins! They've managed, and the kids are awesome.

If you don't want a termination don't have it. I think you need to be totally sure you want that option if you go down that route.

Have you talked to your DH about it? I personally think that's the most important starting point.

[KnockMeDown]

You say your DH doesn't do a lot? Well, he needs to step up and start doing his fair share. Do you both work or are you at home with the kids? Even if this is the case, doesn't let him off.

Is he OK with your decision to go ahead with the pregnancy?

[MadGrumblyGnome]

You always have a choice. Do you have a gut feeling about what is right for you?

Either way I second talking it all through with your DH. There's nothing wrong with asking him to step up a bit if you do continue with the pregnancy - lots of men are very hands on so being just male isn't a reason not to do his fair share.

[Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt]

Agree with everyone else about choices and discussions with dh. Having a penis doesn't entitle him to slack off on helping you. There are 2 responsible adults in your house so the responsibility shouldn't fall entirely on you.

With that said, my son was 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant with dd1.

You will cope. Personally, I didn't find having another baby around that hard. You're still in baby mode, changing nappies, doing bottles etc and they sort of slot into your normal routines.
7 and 4 is a great age to have the older ones help pass you things and take an interest in the babies. My oldest 2 are 8 and 7 and have chores.

Re use everything that you possibly can. All the clothes, moses basket or whatever, steriliser. You don't need a double buggy, you could wear a sling.

You don't say how many bedrooms you have. Can you have your children share bedrooms? My 7 and 5 year old daughters share. Moving seems like a last resort to me if they could share for a while.

[xxyummymummy28xx]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your replies. The hilarious thing about my husband is that he thinks he does a lot! . . . But I assure you he really doesn't.
In my gut I'm more and more sure that however difficult a new baby will be I can't go through with a termination.
My husband and I have barely spoken about it at all. I told him just after I found out on Monday night. He said 'We can't have another one' I said 'I know'. He said 'Reuben is only 6 months old' I said 'I know'. That was it! Next morning told him I'd made an appointment at the doctors in a hour. When I got back he asked me how it went and I said I had an appointment at the hosp Monday. We've said no more about it. At the moment I'm thinking to wait until Monday, go to the appointment, get scanned and make sure everything is ok, because if it isn't it may be that nature decides for me. Plus will be good to talk through my feelings with somebody trained. Then when I get home I'll just tell him I couldn't do it.
We only have 2 bedrooms which DD1 and DD2 already share. DS3 is in with us, so we are stretched already. We considered moving when we found out I was pregnant with him, but he was also a surprise and our plans before finding out were to buy land and build so in the end we decided just to squeeze him in for a bit until the land sale came through. The sale should complete in a week, but the plan was to live in a static caravan on site while we build, which I really don't think I can do with 4 so I think we'll have to rent and build which will make things financially much harder x

[Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt]

For what it's worth OP, I had 4 in a 2 bed house. The older 2 had bunks and the younger one was in a junior bed in the same room. The baby then had the cot in our room. It wasn't ideal, but it worked for a while until we saved and moved.

I think you will manage. It will be tough with limited space but you will get there.

You need to speak to your husband though. You can't just rub along in silence.

[ffffffedup]

I don't think you should move either if it's only short term put the ds in with your dds and baby in with you or even both babies in with you if you've got the room. You could always get a sofa bed downstairs for the 2 of you and put 2 dc in each room, yes not ideal but better than spending extra money on renting when you could use that money for the house build. You will cope. You need to be honest with your dh that you want to keep the baby

[Flottila]

What contraception were you using that has failed. Twice.

[xxyummymummy28xx]

Thanks for the supportive message Flottila. In answer to your question I was on Microgynon when I conceived my daughter. This time around at my son's 6 week check I asked to be sterilized and was told by the GP that they don't do it anymore, because the new coils are lower risk and equally effective (they're cheaper was probably the real issue for her). So my husband had agreed FINALLY to go for the snip, but hadn't made the appointment yet, so on the two occasions that we've had sex since having my son we have used a condom . . . any other questions? x
For those that have shown genuine support . . . here's an update. I went for the appointment, which I'm glad I did because I got to speak to a crisis pregnancy advisor, who was really good. Was great to talk it through and she agreed that I fit the profile of a person who will regret the decision. Also at the appointment the doctor was disgusted that I had been told that by the GP and has written to her to tell her as much and to tell her that sterilization is what I want and what I should get following this pregnancy. I spoke to my husband last night. He was very sweet and supportive, said he totally understands why I couldn't do it . . . but that having another baby is still just not something we can do right now . . . he'll come around I'm sure xxx

[foolonthehill]

I have 4 children. they are all 18 months apart. the last 2 were conceived whilst on microgynon....the GP said I was "very unlucky" ...I think we were just "very fertile" and microgynon plus breastfeeding is not as reliable as statistics suggest.

My Children are now between 8 and 13. We have had a lot of issues but they remain a joy...a real gang...you will manage. In fact the 2 youngest being little together probably won't be as tricky as the 3 year age gap that you already have....just get past the newborn weeks!

You will be fine and the house will be ok. save your pennies. we also had all 4 in a 2 bed house with bunks, cot and crib then 2 cots. baby in with us.

Good luck abd best wishes to you.

[xxyummymummy28xx]

Thank you foolonthehill. That's reassuring. I think we must be very fertile too! x

[ffffffedup]

but having another baby is still just not something we can do right now

What does he think is going to happen? Does he expect you to change your mind and opt for a termination or does he realise he'll have to buck his ideas up and get used to the fact no4 is on its way?
Do you know how far along you are?

[MadGrumblyGnome]

I'm glad you got a chance to talk it through with someone and that your DH sat down and talked about it with you too.

Ultimately OP, while your DH can state his preference, it boils down to the fact that it is your decision. Your body, your decision. Your DH isn't pregnant. You do what feels right for you. I hope he continues to be supportive. for you, I bet this is really hard. Come back and post whenever you need to.

[xxyummymummy28xx]

Thank you both. I think what he'd ideally like is for me to change my mind, but I think he realises that probably isn't going to happen. I'm only 7 weeks so the doctor at the hospital said I still had another two weeks to think about it before I would no longer be able to take the pill and would need the surgical procedure.
But for me I think if you're going to have a termination it should be as early as poss, because every day you leave it, that ball of cells becomes more and more of a baby.
He will come around I'm sure. If not during the pregnancy, then he always falls in love with his babies at birth.
I feel a bit guilty, because whilst I agree with MadGrumblyGnome that ultimately it is my decision . . . it is still a decision that affects his life massively and it must be awful for him to not really have a choice. Sadly, on this one there is no middle ground xxx

[ffffffedup]

Good luck to you I hope all goes well with your pregnancy, like you say I'm sure once baby is here he'll love it as much as the other 3. Perhaps as your pregnancy progresses you can get him to do a bit more around the house and with the other kids as being pregnant you'll be too exhausted to do much in the hope that it continues after the birth. Do you have any extra support from your families?

[ffffffedup]

Ps don't feel guilty you didn't get pregnant by yourself or on purpose, it must be fate that you were meant to have 4 children. Make sure he goes for that snip tho to prevent any more accidents

[MadGrumblyGnome]

I think you sound entirely sensible and I agree with everything you've said

It's just occurred to me that we have an unexpected 4th in our close family, bit different in that the 3rd was 7 when he arrived (so parents very much out of the baby stage) but it all worked out fine and he was loved very much.

Good luck with the pregnancy, enjoy your gorgeous babies and yes, make sure your DH gets the snip!

[PacificDogwood]

xx, just support from me too.

It looks like you have made your decision, and I hope it all turns out well for you.

I have 4 DCs, 7 years between oldest and youngest.
I had the v short age gap between DS1 and DS2 (12 months) and there's not denying it was hard in that I felt I had a 'big baby' and a 'small baby' (v small as DS2 was born at 31 weeks) for the first year or two.
My advice? Be realistic about what you can and cannot do, look after yourself, tell all around you what they can do to help, spell it out for your DH if necessary. Get a sling (Mobi or similar for the newborn). Lower your standards - no more ironing in my house.

My 2 are now 12 and 11 and are very close.
It can be done, but I'm glad not to have to do it again, I have to be honest.

[xxyummymummy28xx]

I've already been working on training the oldest two on how to do jobs properly . . . whatever they are capable of. Before I would just run round doing it all after everybody . . . but no more! I don't think DH will ever take the initiative to do it himself . . . he's too long in the tooth . . . and he will never do it to my standards either. It irritates me keep having to ask him to do each individual job that I need him to do, but at least he does it when I ask and maybe if I ask CONSTANTLY (ha ha!) he'll get the message :)
My mum is amazing. We moved back to my home when I fell pregnant with our first (we lived about 3 hours away) to be near her and it was absolutely worth it! She helps me out loads. Also have a handful of very close friends and my two brothers nearby, so I do have a good support network. All my husband's family live overseas.
I know I didn't get pregnant alone, but I get to decide what I want . . . he basically has no say, I would feel bad if that were the other way around, so I feel bad for him.
Good advice PacificDogwood. My main worry about the close age gap is that unlike yours, mine comes at a time when I have two older children that have to be at school by 8.45!! School run will be a nightmare. I'll have to get up at like 5am. When you have a 1 year old and a newborn only you can stay at home in your pj's all day if you need to!
I'm really worried about just how hard it's all going to be, but just keep trying to remind myself how short lived it all is . . . even though it doesn't feel it at the time!
Thank you all for your well wishes
xxx

[PacificDogwood]

...and he will never do it to my standards either.

As I said, lower your standards

Re school run: you're of course right re me having the close age gap first. Otoh, when DS1 and 2 were in school, I had a newborn and a 2 year old to drag along - I can now laugh about it, but at the time it was a. really hard and b. I was a frazzled mess. I would not have coped without a double buggy and/or a sling (sometimes the double buggy was simply there so I knew where the 2 little ones were at any given moment, or to carry school bags/shopping). It was physically hard, never mind the added stress of it all.

It sounds like you have lots of support around you and that's great .
Take advantage as much as you need/want to - IME people want to help and are happy to. We had/have no family support (DH's parents deceased and siblings hundreds of miles away, and mine are not in the country) so had a lot of paid childcare. I don't really like to think about how much we have forked out on childcare over the years, otoh we have not had to feel 'beholden' to anybody iykwim.

Remind yourself that babies turn into children and grow up. Which is a lovely think IMO

[xxyummymummy28xx]

Yes I guess I'm already practised at the school run routine before the nightmare begins! Wasn't too bad when DS3 was a newborn. I got up at 6 to BF and then from 7 was business as usual. Had days when he went in his pj's but that's fine by me! He was a good boy though, where DD2 screamed her head off constantly! If I have another like her I literally will have a breakdown!!
I'm lucky too because we recently got a second car so I'm not doing it all on foot anymore.
Bless you doing it all without any family support! I dunno what I'd do without my mum! We call her the third member of our parenting team . . . although I'd be tempted to put her second before DH ;) xxx

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I have been through this situation OP, almost exactly. My DH did not want me to terminate number 4, that was never on the cards, but we both panicked about how we would cope.

When DC4 was born we had a 6, 5, 22month old. Everyone thought we were mental and took great delight in telling me how hard it was going to be. I had school runs for the bigger two twice a day and yes mornings were hectic, but honestly no more hectic than before she arrived oddly, mornings with three are hectic enough aren't they :) Honestly with things like running the home, being out the house on time, spending time with the DC, DC4 made no difference (maybe because I got a sling and carried her every where, often latched on, and got on with things that way?)

The real difference with 4 DC is things like the car, if you don't already have a 7 seater.. get one. We needed a double buggy so had to sell single and push one child in a double solo until she arrived (a few odd looks on that one!) We never had expensive holidays, so that wasn't an issue for us, but could be a thing to think about. Get used to camping :D

When we tested for DC 4 with such young children already I was crapping myself about how we would cope with her but honestly day to day stuff is no harder than it was before.

You need to give your DH a swift kick up the arse to do more though, I find lists work well :D I have a permanent list written on the fridge that I update every day of things DH needs to do, he wont think for himself but will do anything asked, it works for us.

Hope it all works out for you :)

[xxyummymummy28xx]

Wow! Thanks BabyDubsEverywhere! Feel loads better after that! I had gotten to the point in my head where I sort of thought, once the newborn stage is over, will it really make that much difference? . . . But to have that confirmed by someone that's actually been there is amazing! How old are yours now?
I have a sling and a 7 seater car and we've been going on camping holidays since DC1 was a baby so yay! Apparently I'm ready ;) Oh. I need a double buggy and it would be handy to have a boy as I only have boy baby stuff ;)
I will try lists with the DH too! Thanks xxxx

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I am only 17 months in with 4, they are DS1 (7) DD1 (6) DS2 (3) DD2 (17months). Its hectic, but not anymore so than before we had her, she just follows the others around and they LOVE her, they are into similar things and they play together more than not. Plus, its nice to snuggle with the baby when they others are driving you nuts
I BF number 4 until I went back to uni at 5 months, I didn't think that would be possible, I thought I wouldn't have time. There was time, plenty of it, lowered my standards a little but all in all still relatively clean and tidy and everyone was still alive last time I did a head count.

Big benefit of 4 so close is that everyone expects you to fall flat on your arse, so when you actually are just getting on with things, which you will, you look like supermom even without all the housework being done!

Beware of the laundry though - my god I do so much washing!