advice on all the things I'm doing 'wrong'

[bambi07]

I am trying to remain confident in my own decisions but there are so many people telling me so many different things, I dont know if some are truer than others.

My DD is a big girl, she is 17 weeks old and 16lbish. She is breastfed and has followed a steady line since birth. I get a LOT of grief about the fact that my baby is "fat" from my in laws, apparently it is my fault she will be obese all her life because I "stick a nipple in her mouth everytime she squeeks". I feed on demand.

So many people have said that I should be weaning her by now, to the point that one family member has even suggested I might be "neglecting" her needs because of her size. She does not appear interested in food and I intend to wait till she is 6 months old. In laws have also given her chocolate when they have been watching her for me and when I found out I cried because I was so angry.

She is not a good sleeper and wakes every 2-3 hours on a good night, my own DM has even said "babies should be sleeping through at 3 months, I wonder what you're doing wrong?". I have tried everything to improve her sleep but have decided to not stress and ride it out, stick to a routine and keep at it.

I spoil her because I dont leave her to cry and I will ruin her, which is incredibly rich coming from MIL as she raised the 2 most spoilt people I have ever met! I dont want to leave her to cry as she is a tiny little baby and she needs to know that I am there for her. She still sleeps (I use this term loosely) in our bedroom in her next to the bed crib.

She is a hot baby and I only cover her in a light blanket at night because she fights like crazy in a sleeping bag. Apparently what I am doing is plain dangerous and I should be using a sleeping bag. This one I'm not as confident with because I'm not sure how best to dress her at night. Last night she just slept in her nappy and was very clamy.

Sorry its a long one, just after a bit of an unbiased opinion, I like to think I trust myself but all the opinions make me doubt myself. x

[RaaRaaTheLion]

What you're doing 'wrong' is letting your MIL have any day in how you raise your daughter; I'd be plucking up the courage to ask her to either respect your parenting choices or not let her be involved. Big babies don't need to be weaned any earlier, there is no set day babies sleep through, and there is nothing wrong with going to your child when they cry if it what you as a parent want to do.

OP, it sounds like you're doing a great job, keep at it

[Queenmarigold]

It's so difficult with your first child, you don't know who to listen too and everyone's full of 'helpful' advice. They also appear to forget how hard it is to think clearly when you are so tired, and that it's not that easy, babies do what they want!
If she's growing well you must be doing a few things right
I weaned mine at 17 weeks, because they were interested in food and waking at night. But when I say wean, they carried on with milk as normal and sucked the odd bit of food. It was a few weeks before I started with baby porridge and mashed veg.
Go with your instinct, if your baby is interested in food then you can try it.

[RaaRaaTheLion]

Oh, and in regards to sleeping. It's recommended all babies are in the room with their parents until at least 6 months of age as it can help regulate their breathing at night. DD is 7 months and in our room in her cot still. DD is also a very warm baby and for sleeping, I keep her in a short sleeved vest with a cellular blanket over her, tucked under her arms. You don't have to use a sleeping bag, what nonsense. Have you got a thermometer to check the temp of your room?

[luckiestgirlintheworld]

I can't see anything in your OP that is wrong.
Nappy and no sleeping bag is fine to sleep in.
Breastfeeding on demand is good practice. So is not weaning til 6 months.
Just print off the NHS stuff that backs up what you're doing and show it to them. Be confident! It sounds like you're doing great.
And point them to the sleep forum of mumsnet and they'll see that no, most babies don't sleep through at 3 months.

[bambi07]

Oh the other thing is that my baby "is bored just staring at the same 4 walls everyday" another DM quote.

I take her to 2 baby groups per week and try to walk with the pram everyday, we have a meadow which we walk in and garden everyday. I try to go to different places nice walks along the canal, to the duck ponds, to the shops. We are lucky and have a lot of lovely walks very close to home. There are some days however we stay home and I do jobs and potter about but I still try to entertain her as best I can. That comment hurt quite frankly! x

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Don't listen to your in laws. They're being nasty about her size but trying to give her chocolate? They want her forced into a hot uncomfy (for her) sleeping bag? This time last year my DD slept under a large muslin and nothing else. Breastfeeding on demand is good practise, especially when it's warm. Ignore your ILs.

[bambi07]

Thank you for your replies, Queen you are right about not thinking as clearly when tired, normally I wouldnt even give any of those things a second though but I have a nagging voice in my head that is telling me they might have a point and maybe I am making some mistakes.

[fattymcfatfat]

You are doing everything right! As for boredom is she happy? Does she scream when in the house 24/7? No? Didn't think so
You will know if she's bored and wants entertaining. And when she does you do so tell them all to bugger off and leave you to raise your child as you see fit
From what you've put here id say you're doing a fab job and a strong I know what its like to have a non sleeping child! (he was 4 before he slept through)

[chumbler]

sounds like everything your doing is fine. I can't believe they gave her chocolate, I would be absolutely livid!

you're completely right to wean at 6 months, I think the guidelines changed from 4 to 6 months sometime in the naughties, so lots of other mothers might have weaned earlier but you're right to follow current guidelines. sounds like you have a lovely week. everything sounds fine!! up to you about the sleeping bags but it's so hot now you could give it a go when it gets cooler but you don't "have to".

tbh the only thing that sounds bad is the amount of stress you must be under. first babies and in laws can be tricky anyway but yours sound awful. agree with pp about printing guidelines, or bring in laws to see hv and they can hear it from them. is there anything your partner can do by speaking to them??

you're doing great

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Some of the biggest babies I have seen have grown up to be skinny and tall.

[chumbler]

also I'm sure you know this but obviously the in laws don't, but breastfed babies cannot be over fed. keep feeding on demand. and you cant spoil a baby. stuff what they say!!

[bambi07]

Thank you again this is all giving me the confidence to tell them all to fuck off respect my choices and keep their opinions to themselves, I have tried but maybe I need to scream say it a little louder!

[PosterEh]

It sounds like you are doing everything right!
About 4 months is peak time for bullshit "advice".
Also, your baby doesn't care about going out at that age so go out if you want to but don't feel like you have to go out all the time.

[JudyBlumeRocks]

bambi you're doing a brilliant job. Brilliant. Everything you describe is normal. Your in-laws and DM really, honestly, are in the wrong here. Sleeping through at 3 months is definitely the exception, not the norm. They're supposed to be in your room with you until at least 6 months (I kept DD in with me until nearly 8 because I strangely quite liked the company!). There's no need to wean early unless there's a medical need to do so, which for you there isn't, and it sounds like your DD is perfectly happy as she is.

FWIW, I would have been FURIOUS at my MIL giving DD food before she was weaned, especially chocolate. Maybe this is precious, but she's your PFB, and you are allowed to be precious with her.

She isn't bored, she isn't hungry, she isn't being spoilt - she's a BABY FGS. She has a loving and attentive mum, who is knackered and vulnerable (as we all are with a new baby) and should be being supported, not undermined. I, luckily, have had some sleep, am thinking clearly, and can confirm that they do not have a point. Tell them all to shut it. You are doing fantastically.

[chumbler]

lol completely agree with this age being peak for "advice"!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Actually just googled as I was sure I had read somewhere something about weaning early being not good for the baby long term and it came up as a link to obesity. your Mil feeding your dd chocolate is the one who could make your dd obese not you.

[daisychain1991]

You sound like you are doing everything right. My dd is 14 weeks. And we are doing everything your doing. I found this article really interesting about sleeping etc www.buzzfeed.com/patricksmith/its-evolution-baby
Keep doing what your doing and tell MIL to keep her nose out. Or do what I do with mine, smile and nod, then ignore. ;)

[lexyloub]

Your not doing anything wrong if your baby Is happy and healthy your doing everything right. Ds1 was a very chubby baby he's now 8 and as thin as a rake ignore daft comments about her growing up to be obese once babies are on the move walking running and crawling weight gain starts to slow down as they're burning it off.
Go with your gut instinct regards weaning you'll know yourself when she's ready that could be next week it could be in 3 months time.
Ignore all these comments and keep doing what your doing you sound like a fab mum.

[BentleyBelly]

What does you partner say? Is he ok with his mum having a pop at you? Sounds like he needs to have a word! You are doing everything right. Nod, smile and ignore x

[bambi07]

OH always defends me to them but not as much as I would like, they are a family that argues endlessly about everything and nothing so are used to confrontation. When we are away from them, he also begins to question if we are doing the right thing or if they might be right but I cant be too hard on him because I do the same thing. He does always tell me he thinks I'm a fab mum but is not as forceful with his parents and grandparents, as I would like. We have discussed this and he says he will tell them to butt out, they wont listen. Although he has really told them off about feeding her chocolate, he was as cross as me but didnt cry like me, I was so angry and unfortunatley that is how I deal with it annoyingly. It was my birthday too and they only had her for about 10 mins. They wont be having her again for a long time!

[CheeseEMouse]

You sound like you are doing really well. You can't spoil a baby. They cry because they need you in some way, and if that need is a cuddle, then so be it. And if it helps my daughter didn't sleep through until 7months and it's pretty erratic now and she's nearly 2.

[JassyRadlett]

There is utterly nothing you're doing wrong, except for having as much contact with these people as you do.

Honestly, I'd distance yourself. If you have to see them, disengage. Don't discuss or argue with them. Calm 'I'm not really interested in discussing that', repeated ad nauseam. Or 'Interesting. I'll discuss it with the GP/HV.' Or if they're being total arses 'gosh, hasn't thinking and research on paeenting changed?'

Poor you. Don't let them spoil this time.

[RiverTam]

I can't see a single thing you are doing wrong.

[mrstothemr]

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly, even if you don't feel like it sometimes. I can't think there's one thing in your posts that's either not advised or completely normal.

Is it perhaps, specifically, older female relatives who are pitching in most?

My dm and dgm were very much like this, it's tough to remember (and frankly they are also sometimes being rude!) but guidance changes vastly over the years, they remember their experiences almost completely innaccurately, and they all probably want to feel they're helping out somehow. The chocolate thing is a bit different, but you get my point.

One of the strongest things I ever came back with was guidance from the health visitor, gently but factually rebutting their advice. If you can maybe pick something that you could ask for advice on from each of them they'd probably divert attention there, and otherwise practice a mean line in listening and ignoring (I found that bit very hard, but then I'm quite opinionated).

One other thing I try to remember, one day our babies will be having babies, and even if they're well into middle age I'd probably be a little concerned they'd be ok at it, they'd still be my baby!