did anyone feel guilty for your 1st child after having your 2nd?

(20 Posts)
glasshouses88 Thu 25-Jun-15 07:50:11

Hi everyone, I posted on her yesterday but I think I worded it wrong so I'll try again!
I just wondered if anyone had similar feelings of guilt and almost loss towards their 1st child after the 2nd came along?
Ds2 is now 6 months so I thought these feelings would have gone but they are strong as ever.
Ds1 is 4 and I was a single parent with him for about 2 years so we were such a team, but now I feel I cannot offer him the time and attention that I want.
It's so bad I don't feel "normal"....if I look at an old photograph or his old clothes from when it was just me and him I burst into tears, or if I go somewhere we used to go and hear a song. We went through so much together and I couldn't be prouder of him. I just miss him so much.
I do love my new baby and I get to get all of us involved but I can't help feeling this way.
Has anyone felt similar??xx

33goingon64 Thu 25-Jun-15 08:00:21

My DC2 is due soon and it's just occurring to me that I might feel like this. Do you know many families with more than 1 DC? Look at how they all probably love each other equally and for different reasons. That said, if you're frequently feeling so down about it and especially as you're parenting solo, is it worth talking to a gp about the possibility of PND?

Elllimam Thu 25-Jun-15 08:07:18

I did a bit at first but it's easier now DS2 is bigger and they are interacting together. They are so nice to watch playing and we feel like a team now smile

ZaZathecat Thu 25-Jun-15 08:13:03

It was the opposite for me. DC1 was always so demanding while DC2 was very quiet so I always felt a bit like I was neglecting DC2.

I can see why you feel as you do though in your situation but try not to worry you DS1 may have already forgotten there was a time without DS2 - if not he will after a while.

LivingInTheStateOfDreaming Thu 25-Jun-15 08:18:47

Yes, I also cried when when I looked at ds2 because I felt guilty that he would never get the same time and attention that Ds1 got. So it was a double whammy for me.

I don't remember at what point in stopped feeling like that though,

glasshouses88 Thu 25-Jun-15 08:22:32

I have a few friends with more than 1 child, I've asked a couple of they felt this way and they didn't, I darent ask the rest! So 33 there's a good chance you won't feel this way, I really hope not.
It's like mourning for the time you had together, of course not In the death sense of the word, but more a feeling of loss. He's 4 and it's such a wonderful age.
I'm not a lone parent just now, I'm with ds2 father x

fattymcfatfat Thu 25-Jun-15 08:28:15

I was the same. myself and DS were a team, just as you describe. it was me and him against the world. and in his short life he has been tthrough hell and back and come out the other side a confident happy, loving 6 yo.
when DD came along 18 months ago, I felt awful, like I was pushing him away but when she got older, started toddling and became more involved she has joined our little team. I am expecting even more guilt when DS2 comes along next month as I will then feel like I'm pushing them out and feel bad that DD hasn't had the same 1 on 1 that DS did. but it will pass, and then he will join our team too and it will be us four against the world

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Thu 25-Jun-15 08:41:16

Dc2 is due in 2 weeks and I'm so worried about this. DD is only 19 months and I'm really worried she's going to feel pushed out/neglected. I've been a SAHM since she was born so she's had my undivided attention all that time.

fattymcfatfat Thu 25-Jun-15 08:46:21

honestly, I think the guilt won't be as bad with a smaller gap, as they won't know any different as they grow. I think I only felt so bad for DS because he had me to himself for 5 years. I console myself with the fact it was him who asked Santa for a baby sister (and got her a week before Christmas) and him who decided a brother would be good too! (someone is definitely listening to what he wants!)

Heartofgold25 Thu 25-Jun-15 08:46:54

I have to say for me I was excited and happy for my dd1 to have a new sibling, someone to play with and a companion for life. It was a great source of happiness that we shared the birth of dd2.
Glasshouse nothing will change that special bond you have with ds1 (I have the same with my firstborn) but you will not be here forever, and it is good for him to have a special bond with his brothers/sisters and have support and love beyond the years that you will be here/in good health. Once your little one has grown a little, your ds1 and ds2 will love playing together, so many happy days await you as they grow up together. Believe me they can play far better games than you! I can not believe some days listening to my children the wonderful world of play they have created between them. I am afraid it is a world difficult to access as an adult, but one they will cherish. A new sibling is gift rather than something 'taken away' and your best years are yet to come.

glasshouses88 Thu 25-Jun-15 08:53:07

Thank you heartofgold that's a thought I really ought to remember.
Fattymcfatfat (great name!) I agree with you...a smaller gap may not have as much of an impact, 4 years for me and 5 for you is a short time in the grand scheme but a long time when you spend all day every day together.x

Corneliusmurphy Thu 25-Jun-15 08:54:34

I felt horribly guilty, like I'd stolen dds 'babyhood' she was about 6 months old when I fell pregnant with twins and there are only 14 months between her and her brothers.
A one year old should never have to be the 'big child'. People kept saying I'd have to train her to help etc - she was only a baby herself.
What I found was that, as in most situations, you just have to get on with it and as they've all got older they've become friends and playmates, another baby now (they're almost 7 and almost 6) would upset the balance far more.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Thu 25-Jun-15 09:00:06

Yeah I think that's how I feel Cornelious, like I'm stealing her babyhood and will be forcing her to grow up too quickly. Like fatty and glass say though, with a smaller age gap it won't be long before they don't know any different!

glasshouses88 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:03:19

Just found these poems....I hope they touch you as they have me (especially if your pregnant with 2nd) x


I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in
the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me
that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how
could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you
feel at having to share me as you've never shared me
before. I hear you telling me in your own way, Please
love only me. And I hear myself telling you in
mine, I can't, knowing, in fact, that I never can
again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as
an intruder on the precious relationship we once
shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to
that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid
to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am
betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to
curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine
affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new
routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is
fading fast. But something else is replacing those
wonderful times we shared, just we two.

There are new times - only now, we are three.

I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at
each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores
you - as I have for so long. I see how excited you are
by each of his new accomplishments.

And I begin to realise that I haven't taken something
from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I
am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both
of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as
you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -
only differently.

And although I realise that you may have to share my
time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's
enough of that for both of you - you each have your
own supply.

I love you - both.
And I thank you both for blessing my life.


One Flaw In Women

(you will see what it is in the end)
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

SoupDragon Thu 25-Jun-15 09:18:17

I remember DS1 coming home after we brought DS2 home form the hospital and he had grown up overnight - chanced from my baby into a hulking 2 year old. I remember thinking "what have we done?!"

Then DS2 got older and I decided he was one of the best gifts we could have given DS1.

Then they both hit their teens, a sister arrived and grew up and I wondered if my initial instincts had been correct wink.

glasshouses88 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:40:07

So do you think that this feeling of sadness and guilt is quite normal for some people and that is does get better with time and the children bond and form a relationship?x

fattymcfatfat Thu 25-Jun-15 10:27:04

definitely normal and they do bond and you realise that it's ok to love them both and that they actually enjoy having another child around

SoupDragon Thu 25-Jun-15 11:29:55

Absolutely normal IMO. I think everyone I know has had that "oh!" moment followed by doubts and in every single case it has worn off when they realise they've gained far more than they lost.

As to whether they bond - no one can really tell you this. Once the younger sibling stops being a smelly, screaming ball of annoyance that does nothing they can start to play and start building a relationship. Until that happens, in the eyes of a 4 year old, a baby is somewhat cute but basically fairly dull and they'd probably far rather have a puppy smile

fhdl34 Thu 25-Jun-15 11:45:29

I felt guilty for DC1 when DC2 came along, I used to look at a photo of her while I was feeding and just cry. All those hormonal tears that come after giving birth were for my DD. it didn't last though because I was giving her a far greater gift in having a sibling, and that is what you have done for your son.

crumble74 Sat 27-Jun-15 10:09:18

Sorry I know the thread is 2 days old but I just wanted to thank glasshouses for posting that beautiful first poem. It had me in floods of tears (I'm pregnant with DC2). Thank you also to heartofgold for your lovely post. I could cry all the time at how much Iove DS1 and am worried I don't have enough left for no.2 but you've reassured me. Thank you.

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