Bonding...

(7 Posts)
Bethany0509 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:28:06

I feel like such a bad person I haven't bonded with my baby, especially not like other mums have with theirs and i really do love him and I really am trying so hard to sort my head out but it's not happening. :/ What the hell is wrong with me!!

Lonz Thu 04-Jun-15 12:49:09

How old is baby?
Some mums don't feel a bond with their baby after birth, it's not uncommon. I didn't really which was a shock to me. Do you think that you have come to terms with the birth? It could be an underlying issue.

mumofboyo Thu 04-Jun-15 12:51:14

Nothing.

I bonded with my 1st straight away but it took much, much longer with my 2nd.
I struggled with having 2 dc so close together, with being needed and always 'on duty', with the damage her birth had done to my body, with the lack of time and money and with the fact that she had reflux and other health problems and cried a lot.

It wasn't until I'd had a course of interpersonal therapy (the health visitor referred me - if you're struggling with perhaps depression or feelings of guilt and inadequacy then talk to your gp and hv and they will be able to help you) that I started feeling better. That and going back to work so that I was me again, not just 'mum'.

I didn't actually fully bond with her and be able to truthfully say that I loved her until she was at least 12 months, if not longer.

You're not alone in feeling like this. What I would suggest is:
- speak to your gp and health visitor, especially if you feel you might be at risk of developing PND. They'll be able to offer advice and support and refer you on to other professionals, such as therapy, should you need it.
- Fake it 'til you make it. Every day, hold, cuddle and caress your baby. Learn baby massage and other forms of loving touch. Keep thinking about the positives, however small. Keep telling yourself that you do love your baby. One day you'll find that you actually mean it and that you're no longer faking it. Don't expect it to happen overnight but let it slowly and gradually grow and develop over time.

I've been where you are and it's not nice sad but you're not alone and there is nothing wrong.

Bethany0509 Thu 04-Jun-15 14:36:06

My baby is 5 months old. It's a real big shock to me too to be honest. It makes me feel terrible when I don't think I'm feeling the way I should :/ and my mum doesn't help as she thinks I'm really uncaring cause she's always bonded straight away. But I'll try that thankyou for the advice.

pastmyduedate0208 Thu 04-Jun-15 17:15:34

A lot of this notion of 'bonding' is romanticised like u r supposed to be overwhelmed with perfect love.
The reality is often different and everyone 'bonds' differently.

I was honestly a bit scared of my newborn , but i did everything that i thought i should, things gradually fell into place.

I doubt your mum thinks u r uncaring, that is stress talking.

Take each moment as it comes and take care of yourself, too.

My lo is 6months now. I found finding ways to make him laugh really helped a feeling of bonding.

Bobian123 Thu 04-Jun-15 17:49:38

Sorry you're feeling down about this. I definitely would say my love for DS has grown over time. I found things so tough to begin with and many people talk of an all consuming love the moment your baby is born. I didn't have that. DS is now 19 months and I am totally in love now, but it took time.
Agree with pp with doing some baby massage or similar-we did that and it's a lovely thing to do, just the two of you.

Good luck x

VikingLady Thu 04-Jun-15 19:45:20

Another one here who took a while to bond. I thought there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until 4m that I first felt anything much for her other than duty and possessiveness, and I'd say I really fell for her soon after that.

I volunteer at bf groups and it is so much more common than you'd think. I've met several mothers who took months, others who are still waiting. And one of my best friends' mums said she didn't bond with any of her 3 until they were talking - they are an incredibly close, happy family too.

Talking about it to someone non judgemental really does help though.

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