G'parents constantly buying for your littles

[littleraysofsunshine]

It's lovely and lucky but sometimes it's too much. And recently it's making our littles just not appreciate anything as they just get given stuff all the time by them.

How do you deal with this? Without offending

[onepieceoflollipop]

We are also blessed with very generous grandparents.
It is very very rare that we say anything other than thank you. I think once or twice in relation to food we have mentioned (for example) how absolutely delicious the Christmas chocolates were, all 12 boxes such a shame that a few items went stale before we had chance to eat them...
With clothes/toys we just have to keep decluttering, so the dcs keep the stuff they actually wear/play with, and we have to give some of the other stuff to charity.

[ShirleyYoureNotSerious]

I "deal with it" by accepting gracefully and with profuse, sincere thanks and by teaching my children to do the same.

How else should a well mannered, respectful person with kind, generous and thoughtful parents (or in-laws, perhaps??) "deal with it"?

[Guin1]

Maybe suggest something they could focus their generosity on? For example, we are asking the g'parents to put into a 'cubby fund' so we can get a really nice cubby for DCs - much better than loads more toys/clothes. Or suggesting they pay for activities (e.g. music/language/swimming lessons), or outings (e.g. cinema/theatre/museum/theme park). Acknowledge their kindness, but redirect it to where it is more useful.

[PeterParkerSays]

DS is the first grandchild all over the extended family so I agree, you say thank you but it can be a bit much.

I have a small pile of DVD to go back to granddad's with DS next time he visits so he can watch them there and I have sometimes suggested they just do things together, like visit the zoo or just drawing or watching a funny film, and stressing that they don't have to keep buying things for him.

If I know we're planning a visit I'll also mention what age clothes we're going to get DS next, as several of the grandparents will buy items of clothing for him as they see something, and they tend to take the hint and buy an age he will grow into in time.

I've also suggested to my mum that she pay for a comic subscription for DS (5) if she wants to get something for him on a regular basis then it's something that links DS to that person, not just another toy, and they can enjoy it together.

[IssyStark]

I have tried in the past, as has DH, to talk to the grandparents about such.

Both the dc have December birthdays so the place can seem like Hamley's come January.

We've tried the 'can we all club together for one big present so ds learns the value of stuff?', we've tried the 'dc finding it overwhelming, can we stick to a couple of small presents each for birthday?', we've tried the 'ds wants X and is saving his pocket money towards it, shall we all help him?', otherwise they get tons of stuff that they wouldn't have picked themselves. It rarely works. If we ask them to scale back at the birthdays then they get double for Christmas. We have also tried the Amazon wishlists on the excuse that the family is so spread apart this will help guard against duplicate presents after one year when we got several duplicates - that is beginning to have a bit of an impact with all the other relatives except pils & paternal aunt who buy stuff from the lists and more.

I also worry that they are getting awfully materialistic and are beginning to expect presents all the time. I've tried this tack as well but to little avail.

However the clothes thing is getting better - at least now the odd t-shirt isn't too much of a problem but before, when babies and toddlers, they used to buy piles of stuff.

We do try to declutter a couple of times a year and ds1 is of an age when he feels proud about getting together a full set of whatever to take to the charity shop or sell on eBay etc. but the 5 year age gap between them doesn't help as ds2 hasn't outgrown stuff that ds1 has. Don't really have the answer, sorry

[TheMagnificientFour]

little you have a point. Some grand parents are lavish with their grandchildren in a way they never were with their own dcs, maybe becuase money was tighter but also because their focus was on parenting rather than spoiling the child rotten.

I would try and redirect the gifts to something else, maybe giving some money for a big gift or something?
I would also tell them how it's just too much (claim the amount of toys in the house, the fact the dcs don't enjoy the toys anymore before they outgrow them etc...)
And sell the toys when they have outgrown and use that money what you think they need rather than toys etc..
Stop buying toys yourself!

[IssyStark]

Comic subscription is a great idea! Thatnks for the thought PeterPS

My mum does it for ds1 for Aquila (education magazine not in the shops) but I think I may suggest it to pil for the toddler who likes Cbebbies/Peppa Pig/Abney and Teal etc as then they get the thrill of something poppin through the letter box as well.

[rubyflipper]

I have tried telling my mother to stop buying so many clothes for my children, as they have more than enough already.

Waste of time. It goes in one ear and out the other.

I send the excess to the charity shop.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Tell them if they put the money they'd spend aside in an account, your kids might have a house deposit by the time they hit 20.

[TheMagnificientFour]

Shirlye surely it depends on how much is given to the child?
If they see the grand parents every 2 weeks and each time, they get a toy or a gift, it soon becomes 'the norm' and instead of having a child that is grateful for is given to them, they see it as 'normal' and get grumpy when/if it doesn't happen.
Also, as the parent, you end up dealing with all the toys (and tat because there is only so many toys you can buy before you just replicate what they have), the fact they don't appreciate what they have and develop of strong materialistic sense (ie what counts is the things you have).
None of which I wanted for my dcs.

[TheMagnificientFour]

honey I love that idea apart from the fact that the answer is often
'But we want to do something for them and make them happy, smiling and know it's thanks to US'
Unfortunately, the grand parents don't get that with an account, even if they proably wouold geta real appreciative thanks from a 20yo trying to buy their first house...

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

With my parents I say 'please stop constantly buying the children plastic tat, it breaks and I have to throw it away. If you must spend on them then they are saving for xxx'

With in laws I just quietly seethe.

[FreeButtonBee]

It's total pain. I was expecting my mum to be the worst but my in law are terrible. They rocked up last week with 100 Thomas the sodding tank engine books for my 2yo twins. Plus a load of Mr men and Beatrix potter as well. It's not generosity, it's a compulsion which they believe is totally fine and altruistic if directed at their grandkids and my house but god forbid that they should spend some money on themselves in something basic like, I don't know, something other than sainsburysbasicsfoodand reduced to clear stuff

[ShirleyYoureNotSerious]

TheMagnificentFour despite being blessed with exceptionally generous grandparents I can honestly with hand on heart say that my DC have never been and still aren't materialistic nor did/do they ever come to expect anything or get grumpy if/when it doesn't happen. In fact they're prone to telling their grandparents that they're too kind and that they really shouldn't (and meaning it).

Maybe that's because I take 'the attitude of gratitude' about their generous and kind grandparents and model polite behaviour? I don't know.
shrugs in genuinely not knowing why manner

[seaoflove]

I have the same problem. Our house is exploding with toys that never get played with. Toys are basically meaningless because she gets so many. It's getting to the point where I'm chucking out a lot of the useless tat/age inappropriate stuff (thanks MIL) as soon as it arrives, because I just can't keep it all.

I also insist that a lot of it stays at the grandparents' house

[lexyloub]

I said that whatever toys they buy for dcs has to stay at their own house when they visit, they've got more than enough toys at home and also it put an end to all the stupid big toys as they didn't want them cluttering up their houses either.

[rootypig]

It's not generosity, it's a compulsion

I'd agree with that. My MIL has been out of control at various points and I wonder why it is. I suppose part of it is that she has more money than when OH was small, and things are cheaper and more readily available. I swear she spends half her night on Amazon. But it is, too, controlling. She is rather overbearing when it comes to DD, and this is just part of that. Filling my house with things of her choosing is just another way in which she doesn't recognise my status as an adult woman with her own family.

I don't have a problem with being direct. I told her that we didn't have space for more, that DD had so much stuff it was negatively affecting her play, and like lexyloub that anything that she bought had to stay at her house (DD is there fairly often). Well, that gave her pause.

[seaoflove]

It IS a compulsion. Possibly over compensating for not being arsed to visit, in the case of my MIL. She's literally bought every piece of Chad Valley shite that Argos sells. I now know to avoid Chad Valley toys like the plague, because it's all so poor

Like anything, it comes from a place of love, but DD doesn't appreciate any of it. It gets played with for all of five minutes, then lies ignored for the rest of the day.

Equally, my mum gave DD a doll that she'd originally bought for another child's birthday. She knows DD doesn't like dolls. DD opened the box and then ignored it. Total waste - but your fault, Mum!

[honeysucklejasmine]

That's a shame Magnificent. It's not really about the kids in that case, is it? Just about the gratification the GPs get from appearing generous.

I was mucho mucho grateful when I found out about the fund, aged about 15, and even more grateful when I moved in to my 3 bed new build at the age of 22. Can't recommend it enough, it changed my life!